End of Hk on 29° Celsius Cold Snap End of Hk on 29° Celsius Cold Snap Justin on MTR Music Rosey hampton on Sushi Buddies – Hong Kon… End of Hk on 29° Celsius Cold Snap
- April 2014
- March 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- October 2013
- September 2013
- June 2013
- May 2013
- April 2013
- December 2012
- November 2012
- May 2012
- April 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
This post brought to you by Hong Kong neighbours with the power of PROJECTION! Voices so ridiculously loud they barge out their closed door and right in through yours! It’s almost like having them in your own living room :) and no…the wailing voice doesn’t belong to someone waiting outside the lifts or in the corridor…she’s in her home…with her door shut…
Minibus drivers in Hong Kong don’t get the best of press…and rightly so because the overwhelming majority are boorish morons. But here’s one of the greatest videos of all time showing that even when minibus drivers do get something right and behave in a reasonable fashion there’s always some other boorish moron ready to step in and fulfill the Hong Kong creed of selfishness, obliviousness, ignorance, anger, spite, thoughtlessness and good old fashioned wild lashing out.
Early reports state that the driver refused to let the passenger off in a restricted zone…makes sense…but then all hell broke loose. The passenger…or Minibus Psycho as I like to call him…just flipped out…completely lost his shit. A fantastic display showcasing what Hong Kong is all about…your narcissistic right to do whatever you damn well like up to and including putting human lives at risk because you might have to walk 10 extra steps or because somebody you probably consider your subordinate (a term shamelessly used in the HK workplace, by the way…along with ‘minor staff’) didn’t obey your command. This is what happens in Hong Kong when adults don’t get their lollipop.
Anyway…awesome stuff! I’d like to think that when the van came to a stop Minibus Psycho was dragged off by his fellow passengers and beaten to an unrecognizable bloody pulp…each stinging blow reinforced by stern teachings….you BANG stupid SMASH stupid BANG fucking SMASH dumb SMASH fuck faced RIB KICK cunt SNAP who the SMASH fucking BANG hell TEETH SMASH do you CRUNCH think BANG you SMASH are? SMASHBANGCRUNCHSNAP…but that’s just me…
Keep on truckin’ everyone
How’s it going nature lovers?
Tired of trundling through the same old HK shopping malls? Had it up here with your neighbour’s favourite hobby: drilling? Want to maim meandering Aunty Ma as she obliviously stymies your best efforts to get around her on the footpath? Sick of the smog, scum, filth, noise, stink, skank, rank, crowd, loud, rude, crude food, grey, drab, choke of the city? Need some fresh air, the happy snap of twigs under your feet and the sun on your back?
Well in Hong Kong, you’re fuck out of luck because the hiking trails and country parks here are abominations.
You can’t really knock a person, I suppose, who likes to get outside and do something a bit active. But in Hong Kong…you can…and I will.
Chances are in HK, anyone you’re going to see out on one of the hiking trails, whether they be walking, running, flying a model plane or chasing butterflies…is an absolute hands down annoying prick.
Hong Kong hikers like to fan out shoulder to shoulder on trails perfectly oblivious to everything but their fear of insects, their sun paranoia and their own raucous conversations about food. Nature is something to be hated and defeated to these people. They blot out the sun because they don’t want people to think they’re ditch squatting farmers, they mock nature’s harmonious frequency with objectionable B-Grade Cantonese radio music blaring from their heavily laden specialty hiking utility belts…they litter like it’s a sport, they laugh at cattle, fear dirt, run away from flies and generally combat any semblance of peace and tranquility by clapping and squealing and yelling about the latest Cafe de Coral discount vouchers they got with their recent herculean toilet paper purchase.
Hong Kong people are so puzzled and intimidated by nature that an hours bush walk, often on fully paved paths, requires store bought, titanium trekking poles, deluxe backpacks, heavy duty hiking boots, skin tight lycra suits emblazoned with corporate slogans and logos, mosquito patches, thousands of tissues, heart rate beepers, loud radios, enough food & drink to sink a battleship, surgical face masks to fight dust and full scale walkie talkie communications systems. Basically, the idea is to dress like you’re about to tackle K2.
When it’s not too hot the paths are choked with scores of these nuts making their way like lemmings either to a seedy BBQ pit where they can give new meaning to the problem of disposable utensil waste or to some restaurant at the end of the trail where they will wail and cry and jump up and down and clap and squeal ecstatically when they are served a warm cup of water with a flower in it.
Sometimes the best thing you can do in HK to get away from it all is just to stay at home with your fingers in your ears and pray that Mr Chan next door hasn’t bought a new set of drill bits he wants to try out for a few hours or so.
If you do bite the old bullet and decide to have a crack…here’s the HK Country Parks complaint hotline number:
Evening Hong Kong lovers.
Thought we might take a look at just how fast Hong Kong is…because wow…the pace of life is just so fucking fast in Hong Kong I just can’t believe it. But that’s not all…as a bonus I’ve included…just how fucking slow Hong Kong is and as an extra bonus…just how fucked in the head Hong Kong is. Let’s take a squizz…
1. The super fast local who snags a seat on the MTR against all odds and at any cost. It’s quite something to watch the precision, the single-mindedness, the drive, the purpose and the determination locals muster when bagging that all important seat. Their slick nimbleness belies their pasty translucent pallor and drink of water posture.
2. The speed at which locals speak is so damn fast, with so few pauses for breath they’d give a group of Filipino maids a run for their money.
3. Feeling hungry? Hong Kong people are always hungry and enjoy nothing more than satisfying that hunger by gorging at break-neck speed. Chopsticks blur like pistons as they attack their feed and stab it into their greedy mouths until it’s all gone.
4. Everyone’s a racing car driver in Hong Kong..and you crossing the road enrages them. They won’t allow it. If you try, they will accelerate from as far away as 100 meters just to head you off at the pass. They dive bomb corners like Chinese Kamikaze, roar down narrow crowded roads and gun their car in 10 meter bursts when it’s bumper to bumper. They recklessly speed to make traffic lights even if it means just missing the green and having to sit moronically idle in the middle of a pedestrian crossing engulfed by people.
5. They are quick to judge. Westerners are shockingly loose and open minded hedonists out to get what they can, ‘black people’ are scary monsters, Indians stink and can’t be trusted…Filipinos are all psychopathic bus murderers. Hong Kongers are the masters of preconceived notions, gaping generalizations, stereotypes, cliche, group think, suspicion and no questions asked stigmatization. They are staggeringly ignorant and they’ll prove it to you in a second.
6. Hong Kong people are the fastest people I’ve ever seen (and the only people I’ve ever seen) to whip out their calculator to painstakingly and fastidiously split their Yum Cha bill after a gathering with friends to try many delicious food.
1. After whipping out their calculator, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bigger cluster fuck than watching 5 or 6 Hong Kongers struggle to work out who pays what. Bills are checked in triplicate by each individual all to the tune of some of the most horrendously disturbing Cantonese cackling you’ll ever want to hear. You’ll wish you never came and swear on your mother’s grave you won’t make the same mistake again.
2. Asshats at the ATM? Some of the most clueless individuals in HK can be found staring and tapping away at ATM machines completely oblivious to the concept of other people.
3. Footpath fools. For a fast paced city shit there’s a lot of clueless ambling clowns who excel in going slow, wandering all over the place, stopping abruptly, standing in groups in the middle of the sidewalk or walking zombie-like right at you.
4. Very slow to take a hint. Ever make the mistake of browsing a shop in Hong Kong only to have staff begin to shadow your every move and lurk distrustfully right behind you? Should you turn to give them an I’m ok thanks look, they just won’t get it. They’ll move again into your blind spot hovering like the annoying prick they’ve been trained to be.
5. Work in Hong Kong? If you have, then no doubt you’ve endured a workplace meeting where decisions are finalized and issues are covered only after as much hair pulling and tedium as can possibly be imagined has come to pass. I think it’s called circular decision making or something. Outcomes can only be reached after the discussion has gone around and around and around and around and around…again and again and again and again and again…
6. Slow to grow up…which could be a good thing I suppose…but…
…and The FUCKED IN THE HEAD…
Evening FOOD lovers!
You know there’s a lot that spells DELICIOUS in Hong Kong…Ox tongue on a cold winter’s night can’t be beat…chicken feet around the clock hits the spot…the bigger and more horrendous the pork knuckle the happier I get…everyone knows Hong Kong is a great place to eat FOOD.
But if there’s one thing that spells DELICIOUS more than anything else here its fish dying a painful and humiliating death in the bottom of a restaurant tank. There’s nothing more mouth-watering than seeing a once majestic Red Emperor cowering for its life in the corner of a bare glass death tank…eyes so cloudy, beaten and deformed it looks radioactive…skin so torn and mutilated it looks like it’s been hit by a truck.
FUCK KING D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S
From time to time you see such fish trying to hide behind the tank filter, behind other frightened doomed fish or amongst schools of ever paddling but going nowhere prawns. Sometimes the cagiest ones even try to float upside down and play dead. Idiots! The ones praying for a swift end to life aren’t even guaranteed that. Chances are they’ll wind up sliced in half on display with their mouths sucking the wrong kind of oxygen and their hearts beating a slow and sorry death.
But none of that shit crosses my mind when I get near a death tank. It’s all I can do to stop myself from diving in holus-bolus so I can start ripping scales off with my bare teeth, sucking eyeballs out of their crushed sockets and tearing fins off left right and center. A fucking fish feeding frenzy. What a delicious spectacle that would be.
But I control myself and point out my victim so the guy who’s well practiced at shooting fish in a barrel can chase my meaty brain food all around the tank while the kids delight in watching every fish go collectively absolutely and utterly bat shit crazy, churning the water, smashing their skulls on every possible glass panel many times over…scales everywhere…bloodcurdling clouds of urine and afterbirth.
It comes to me cooked well and riddled with cysts and sores. Just how I like it.
Just how everyone in Hong Kong likes it.
Why carry your own bag to school when you can stride out confidently and unfettered in front of your very own human mule?
This post brought to you by…