Circular Queuing & Bindling

Mindless lemmings

Mindless lemmings

Back in my day, if you wanted to collect glamour and fashion magazines to sell to pulp recycling merchants for fistfuls of magic beans, you’d scour the city on foot, from end to end, squirreling away your paper stuffs and other people’s trash in your makeshift bindle. When you got tired from all the trampin’, you’d slump in an alley, passout in a hobo park or go and hide under a rat infested bridge with one eye closed and the other eye on your precious bindle.

But it doesn’t work like that in Hong Kong. In Hong Kong, it’s much more orderly and practical. All you have to do is join a circular queue and recycle yourself to the head of it over and over again, collecting as much sweet, sweet paper as you can. Talk about practical! This plush setup is a scavenger’s dream. Not only are your scrounging needs conveniently localised, but the mint condition fashion magazines are laden with ink – their weight attracting anybody who isn’t above looking totally ridiculous by going around and around and around on the same 10 square metre spot like a human lemming, filling up a bag one magazine at a time.

Hong Kongers are super practical. Just ask one. They won’t be able to agree fast enough. The proof is in the circular queuing I suppose. We never would have thought of a circular queuing magazine scam like that back when I was a panhandler, tin can collector and street recyclist, though. We weren’t practical enough. We mooched our scraps the hard way.

Me back in my bindling days

Me back in my bindling days

Posted in Hong Kong | 9 Comments

HONG KONG: Elevator Frottage

Could a penchant for frottage be the reason for elevator obsession among HK people?

Could a penchant for frottage be the reason for this ungodly obsession with elevators?

Sometimes, when I have a free hour or two, I enjoy nothing more than getting out on the happy, bubbling streets of Hong Kong for a nice old stroll. Talk about fun. More fun than lancing a boil! More fun than a clown on fire! It’s the most frigging fun you can have with your pants on…

…which is interesting, as we will see, because in Hong Kong you often find hoards of people queuing up to jam on in, skin to skin, into public elevators that travel…one floor. And, I ask myself why…why are these people so keen to avoid a few stairs in favour of lining up and cramming into a small enclosed space only to stare blankly into the eyes of a bunch of strangers while other strangers spoon them from behind?

Well, the answer I came up with, of course…is that they enjoy it. It’s fully clothed fun for all…and the more the merrier, as they say. The smaller the room…the tighter the spoon! A cube full of cushion…the sweeter the pushin’! It ends up that what I think is happening here is a bit of good old-fashioned frottage…or as enthusiasts like to call it…elevator frottage.

Let’s take a look at the evidence…

Orderly anticipation of 4 seconds worth of frottage action?

Orderly anticipation of 4 seconds worth of frottage style elevator action? LOL you couldn’t swing a damn cat in that elevator…but the frottage…ohhhh the frottage…

Here’s what we can observe:

1. Too many fucking jackets and jumpers and wind-breakers. It’s not cold yet. Restricts frottage.

2. A strange, willingness to queue up. Half these people probably joined the line instinctively…petrified that by not getting to the head of it, they would miss out on something.

3. The other half are anticipating the coming frottage possibilities.

4. People at the end of the queue who have already done the maths and realised that there are probably too many people ahead of them to be guaranteed a spot on the next trip down…and who are happy as Larry to stand there in line like a moron while the elevator goes down, empties a pile of frotteurs, picks up another pile of frotteurs, comes back up, empties them out and is only then finally ready to take them the one floor trip down to the MTR that they have been avoiding like the plague in favour of lining up and spooning with people they don’t know.

5. A lack of invalids or anybody who looks like they actually need an elevator. Sure there’s one or two old people in this particular picture…but as many of you no doubt know…age has nothing to do with queueing in Hong Kong. Nor does the love for cramming into tight spaces with strangers.

6. Sloth. Just bone idle laziness.

Going down?

The only human contact some busy Hong Kongers get (because FUCK ME Hong Kong is FAST OK!) is in the elevator with stone cold strangers…and they love it. PS. Frottage is not to be confused with ‘mopery’, which as everybody should know, is exposing yourself to a blind person.

Anyway…there it is…my question answered. Why do Hong Kongers love to queue up so that they can jam themselves into small public elevators to travel a couple of metres? In summary…because they are stupid lazy fucks, queueing is instinctive and they enjoy rubbing against strangers to satisfy the lack of human warmth and humanity in their dirty, soulless city…happy & bubbling I mean…happy & bubbling city.

Ohhhh the humanity...thousands of locals line up for the one floor trip up to the Apple shop to buy phones.

Ohhhh the humanity…thousands of locals line up for the one floor trip up to the Apple shop to buy phones. The frottage was intense.

Finally, how could we leave without a cheerio to our democratic friends fighting the good fight all over the streets of Hong Kong?! God speed, peace & love my buddies…only you can save HK from these barbaric mainland tourists and their designer shopping suitcases…

…and with a little help from Mr Democracy, we can vote these loathesome, filthy savages out too…

Hong Kong for Hong Kongers!
Frottage of the HK people, by the HK people and for the HK people!

See you in the elevator ;)

Posted in Hong Kong | 24 Comments

Hong Kong Conspiracy

Look at these cunts. With felons like these negotiating your future, you know you have no chance.

With felons like these negotiating your future, you’ve got no chance.

Strap on your tin foil hats movers and shakers and let’s get greasy! Oh yeah, I’ve been eating this whole Hong Kong protest thing up with a spoon ever since little Josh Wong almost got sconned on the noggin with an errant tear gas canister back on the 28th of September. It’s been an action packed 3 weeks or so watching people in the protest and online froth at the mouth, do the straight arm finger-point, gnash their teeth, bleat, lie, cheat and whore themselves (I’m looking at you 60 y.o. surgical mask wearing money grubbing taxi drivers…and you throw a bottle for $1000 agitators…and you $500 to tear down supply station saboteurs…you opportunistic entrepreneurial capitalist ratbags!). And it’s been fun watching hearts bleed, people kid themselves and fawn over the heroic democratic deeds of protesters (hello expat sympathizers, and other soft-brained western media types…democracy great, hurray…China horrible, boo!). Stepping back, it’s been like spending 3 weeks watching a frog try to jump its way out of a greased wok, while spectators stand around arguing over its chances. It’s hard to pick an outcome. Mass head cracking? A compromise riddled with stalling lingo and long distance promises?  Who knows.

Wok a nightmare

Wok a nightmare

So anyway, with heavily layered aluminum moulded all over my head and coat-hangers dangling from my ceiling to deflect electromagnetic radiation and brain infiltrating gamma rays, the coast is clear to wade into the muck and inspect some of the opinions related to the great Hong Kong Protests of 2014…no matter how fantastically crazy they may seem to be or how kooky they get. Let’s start with this outrageous timeline I came across somewhere way, way, way out…deep in the internet:


This is totally outlandish and I, for one, won’t tolerate such an outrageous conspiracy theory. China wasn’t ass fucked by Britain in 1839. It was between 1839 and 1997 that they were continually ass fucked by Britain.

Why won't people listen to me?? The Hong Kong protests are all about democracy, peace and loooooove!!

Why won’t people listen to me?? The Hong Kong protests are all about democracy, peace and loooooove!! The protests have nothing to do with disgusting Chinamen or the extermination of locusts. That was the old protest…this is the new one…with extra looooooove! Hurray!

What’s next? Some insane conspiracy theorists out there have been contending that the whole Hong Kong protest episode has been fuelled, funded, trained and backed by creepy world giant, America, all for the purposes of undermining China and strengthening world democracy…or some shit. These are seriously deluded nuts who probably still live with their parents and haven’t been out of their bedroom in 17 years. If they knew anything at all they would know that local Hong Kong citizens don’t need any help whatsoever to fuel their white-hot rage toward the mainland invasion that has been destroying their city and standard of living more and more every year since 1997. Their revulsion needs no backing or inspiration at all, thank you very much.

These protests aren’t to do with democracy or US skullduggery…oh no…that’s conspiracy theory nutjob stuff and won’t be tolerated here…these protests are about good old-fashioned hate. And why not? If someone came into my house and pissed and shat on the floor, stole my toothpaste and shampoo and gave birth to a mewling cabbage in the spare room I’d put aside for Aunty Gin, I’d want to show them the door too. The Chinese media, who are reporting this idea of US backing, are not to be trusted…nor is the German media or the Russian media who are reporting the same thing. Crazy fucking nuts. Even America’s official foreign policy, which gives support for the democratisation of HK under the Omnibus Appropriations Act of 2009  (provision of $17 million for the promotion of democracy in Hong Kong) should only be taken with a grain of salt. If it was possible to identify the influence of CIA spooks within the Occupy Central ranks, what are we going to do? Cry ‘conspiracy’ like some deranged lunatic? CIA assets would only be responsible for the supply of delicious apples and water bottles for a couple of supply stations here and there anyway. Big deal! So, yes…I diligently block out all reports that try to demonise creepy world giant, America…no matter how hard they attempt to infiltrate my protective tin foil defense systems. Conflicting views and outrageous conspiracy theories simply aren’t to be tolerated. Apples and water bottles however, don’t do any harm at all and can be tolerated. Why, Uncle Sam says we can all have a free apple whenever we want. Hurray! :)

Captain America overseas the protests on behalf of creepy world giant, America.

Captain America overseas the protests on behalf of creepy world giant, America.


What else? Lately, there has been a lot of frothing at the mouth about thuggery, hired mobsters and gangsters causing problems for innocent, defenseless, peaceful protesters.  Thousands of boring broken records are out there using up precious internet space playing Where’s Wongo – spotting, identifying and calling out paid agitators and gang members who they say are in the employ of diabolical CY Leung to break up protests…these ignorant bores are literally tripping over each other as they post images online captioned with stammering comments like ‘there is no way he is from HK look at him he’s a paid mainlander!’ or ‘look at his tattoos, he is a gangster!’ and ‘CY Leung ought to be ashamed!’ Well, this sort of conspiratorial quackery is hardly fit to print. CY Leung tossing a few Hong Kong dollars around among some of his good friends for a few favours is nothing compared to the gargantuan budgets western leaders have at their disposal to control information, silence dissent, bribe, blackmail and extort whistleblowers, imprison dissidents and crush opposition.

Hk$500 to tear down a supply station full of water bottles and crisp, juicy apples? Are these kooks for real? How does that even compare to the kind of institutionalised corruption and felony western leaders commit each and every day? You think China is a den of corruption…stand in AWE at the all time, undefeated  world champions of hard-core corruption…the west. Those fuckers wrote the fucking book. At the very least…how is one better than the other? We’re talking greasy politicians here. You’d have to be a dangerously unhinged lunatic…a conspiracy loving nutcase…to imply that one group of politicians are better than another. What’s CY  to do anyway? You think he’s going to say no to China? Fuck, they’ll curb-stomp his jawbone or take his thumbs or something. Maybe these crazy conspiracy nutjobs should try for a second to absorb comrade Leung’s own comments on the issue of thuggery and use of intimidation tactics:

“What would you do if thousands of painfully idealistic students camped out playing ping pong and ordering McDonald’s on streets all over your city for 3 weeks? What would you do if you were part of a supposed ‘minority’ NOT hoodwinked by this whole democracy love and peace bullshit? What if you saw it for what it is…a spiteful, elitist hate campaign, originally known as ‘Occupy Central Against Locusts & Chinamen’, run by spoilt self-entitled milk-sops against their own people…all disguised as a virtuous love-in? How could you possibly explain the futility and irrationality of such a tantrum to thousands of protesters who are scandalously unable to admit or probably even see their true motivations? They want democracy? What the fuck are these deadshits on about? Hong Kong never had democracy before anyway, so why should China ‘give’ it to them now? Are these people fucking insane? To the average Chinese man or woman with any shred of insight, all this humping at the western leg must really make them swoon. Here’s a city, originally designed to serve the drug pushing, bullying, lying, cheating, money-laundering British Empire, by emptying it of resources and prosperity and consolidating it all on behalf of criminals in London…for over a hundred years, mind you…begging, just begging, the instant their home nation passes a bit of inevitable legislation about the 2017 elections, to basically go back to their old swindling, forked tongued masters. Talk about knee jerk, ungrateful cunts.”

– CY Leung
(Excerpted from an impromptu morning assembly speech delivered to The Hong Kong Jockey Club Mother of the Weeping Virgin Widow Presbyterian Catholic Leung Shau Ping Old Boys’ Association PWSCC cum Memorial Primary School Number 2.)


Classic straight arm finger point tactics

Classic straight arm finger point tactics

Anti protest agitators dismantle barricades while thousands of peaceful protesters look on

Anti protest agitators dismantle barricades while thousands of peaceful protesters look on


And the conspiracy theories roll on…what about this piece of paranoid, misguided, ill-conceived propaganda…

The Real Issue in Hong Kong Protests

How dare an upstanding institution like CNBC sully the name of good, honest, hard working journalists everywhere by daring to suggest that the Hong Kong protests are much more nuanced than most reports would have us believe? How dare they suggest that the true motivation for Occupy Central is not a heart warming pining for democracy, but a much more complex issue hinged on rising economic uncertainty in Hong Kong and ‘misguided colonialist nostalgia accompanied by ugly discrimination of the mainland Chinese & even virulent bullying’?

Strike me down! It gets even more oddball from the CNBC madmen. My tin foil hat is literally buzzing like a beehive. How can they look at themselves in the mirror and use phrases like ‘according to the narrative in the west’. Narrative? Are these nutcases implying that the western media is making up stories? I won’t hear of it. Let us not tolerate these outrageous conspiracy theories. What else have they had the gall to say…

when under British rule from 1841-1997, the UK did not promote democracy. That begun, conveniently, after the handover.

– huge discrepancy between HK’s economic gains and its eroding social fabric

– the real precedent for the HK protests is the Occupy Wall Street movement in the US

– HK’s income inequality is worse than Zimbabwe

– What HK needs is responsible political development..yeah…not students sitting around singing kumbaya and gnashing their teeth because mainlanders are dirty

Fuck! I think I just lost the rear deflector shield in my tin foil hat! It sounds like someone is frying bacon in my brain! How dare CNBC spread such grossly accurate, impartial, fair and balanced information? This is just another deluded opinion that must be avoided at all costs. Don’t mess with our peace and love CNBC, mmmk.

Far enough removed from mainstream media to spread a little truth?

What about this? Talk about whacko…

Good god…the gamma rays are slicing at the back of my eyeballs and lazering my skull into diced bone! Must…increase…foil…

It gets worse…listen to the music! It’s got to be true…

Head imploding…coat-hangers melting…

Then there’s this article…and a million more out there I’ve been avoiding, all trying to bring down my feel-good buzz. I can’t take it. I got to get out of here and get back where I belong…back to the streets to play ping pong and eat KFC on the road…with hundreds and thousands of my other democracy buddies…buddies?…hey…where’d everybody go??

People power

Democracy. The people have spoken with their feet…and nearly all gone home


Get the fuck off the street you dirty hippies, we're trying to get through to Cafe de Coral

This post brought to you by some of CY Leung’s closest friends. “Get the fuck off the street you dirty hippies, we’re trying to get through to Cafe de Coral.”

Who's up for some ping pong?

Who’s up for some ping pong?

Posted in Hong Kong | 10 Comments

Democracy Comes to Hong Kong!

Yay democracy!

Hurray democracy!

China’s going to crack. You can just feel it. It’s 1967 again all over…the Summer of Love baby! The streets are alive with the sound of hope and change. Ignorance has turned to bliss, selfishness to generosity…boorishness to downright pleasantness. It’s totally groovy, man. Any day now that communist maggot, CY Leung, will step down, Beijing will roll over like a frail old man trying to get some sleep and Hong Kong will get what it’s heart desires…what every man woman and child has always desired and cherished…glorious, glorious democracy. Democracy. It’s far out, brother.

Never mind what the haters say. Hater’s gonna hate, ah huh. Never mind that the Chinese media has given our mega love-in a total of 6 seconds air time and totally misrepresented it or that ‘netizens’ there have been beside themselves with sanctimonious glee over these comments highlighting western media hypocrisy:

Currently the #1 trending microblog post on Chinese microblog platform Sina Weibo, with over 60k upvotes, 110k forwards/reshares, and 25k comments, by British academic, John Ross…

@JohnRoss431: It’s inconvenient for me to comment on Hong Kong’s 2017 Chief Executive general election issue, because I’m not Chinese after all. However, Western media reports on the Hong Kong issue have been too hypocritical. In the United Kingdom’s 150 years of colonial rule over Hong Kong, the UK never permitted Hong Kongers to elect the Governor, and the United States did not protest against the UK for it either. Now when the system designed by China for Hong Kong is far more democratic than that allowed by the UK, the United States instead strongly protests against the China’s government.

We don't need this kind of negativity

We don’t need this kind of negativity


And never mind the thouands and thousands of supportive replies and comments like these:

深海一细沙: After you go back to your country, people are definitely going to say you’ve been brainwashed by the Chinese, hehe, but I support your fair and objective comment. Those troublemakers in the Hong Kong SAR should be punished through lawful means. The SAR government departments should firmly pursue legal liability against the troublemakers in accordance with the law.

晓辰:Haha, this laowai is perceptive/insightful! Although in the minority, he has hit the nail on the head, seeing things more clearly than many Hong Kongers…

许聃_Ender: I really don’t understand, why are there so many people who support the fenqing-ism of Hong Kong students? Their American father has fattened up ISIS, and their British mother can’t even deal with Scotland. A bunch of children who haven’t even grown all their public hair wanting to cause a disturbance? Laughable!

夏天michaelia:Wanting democracy is no cause for blame, but those saying the UK wanted to give Hong Kong democracy a long time ago were it not for mainland pressure need to shut up. Go look at when China and the UK began their talks and when the British colonial government of Hong Kong proposed giving Hong Kongers democracy. Are you people really that naive? If they sincerely and genuinely wanted to give democracy, why didn’t they give it earlier, or has British democracy not been around long enough? I respect every person who fights for democracy, but despise those who deliberately whitewash British imperialism.

悠林林976:Hong Kong, you spineless cunt, back when your parents were being insulted/humiliated by Western nations, you were taken away to be slaves, and instead of doing your best to resist, you actually thought it was great. Your parents worked hard to finally bring you back and you instead spend every day looking down on your parents, constantly cursing them, calling them cunts, and when they don’t agree to your unreasonable demands, you threaten that you want to go back to being a slave dog. This kind of trollish argument definitely won’t work, and I hope the central government will adopt unyielding measures.

改个名这么难呀:If there are any Hong Kong friends [people] here, please pass this on. If there is anyone in the Mongkok Nathan Road area, I don’t oppose your peaceful protest, but can you guys please keep it down and not use loudspeakers? Brother [referring to self] has an early shift tomorrow. Otherwise, I’m going to piss out the window. [怒] So annoying.

Don't bring down our feel good buzz

Don’t bring down our feel good buzz


Hong Kong doesn’t need this kind of negativity or difference of opinion right now, man. We are marching for democracy and it feels good and if it feels good…we’re gonna do it! We don’t need no bum rap, sister. What we need is good, honest, hard working, fair and just individuals who want to contest true democratic Chief Executive Elections in 2017…and we want them to stand up right now…that’s right…go ahead and stand up right now and lay your campaign on us. Get those gums a flappin’ and chins a rappin’ and hit us with your slogans for election soul brothers and sisters. Put ’em together ladies and gentlemen…let’s hear it for…


Soul Brother Jimmy

Jimmy Wong

Slogan: Vote for me and I’ll get mainlanders the fuck out

Whoah, Jimmy…them sure are fightin’ words…pretty direct…but we really like it!


Soul Sister Yan

Slogan: A vote for me is a vote for tighter mainland entry stipulations.

Slogan: A vote for me is a vote for tighter mainland entry stipulations.

Sing it to me sister!


Little J. Wong

Slogan: Vote for me and I'll single handedly catch and exterminate every last locust

Slogan: Vote for me and I’ll single handedly catch and exterminate every last locust with my bare hands.

All the way with Little J!  ;)


Dr Lee

1Vote for me and I'll restrict the entry of so many mainland scum you'll never get stabbed in the eye with an umbrella again

Slogan: Vote for me and I’ll force so many restrictions on the number of mainlanders on our streets you’ll never get stabbed in the eye by an umbrella again.

Well, we’re just gonna have to call you Dr Feelgood! We like it Doc! We like it a lot.


Gasmask Gary

Slogan: Vote for me and I'll build an army, invade southern China and turn off all the factories that are choking the life out of our city.

Slogan: Vote for me and I’ll build an army, invade southern China and shut down all the factories that are choking the life out of our city.

Holy shit, Gary, why didn’t anyone think of this before. We love it.


Mr Long

Slogan: Vote for me and I'll slash the amount of years a double income family needs to work from 1345 years to something more realistic

Slogan: Vote for me and I’ll stop cold massive influxes of mainland home buyers driving residential property prices out of the reach of local HK families. Vote for me and you may even be able to rent a home without having to pay off gangsters and loan sharks.

You have our total support.


Soul Brother Chan

Slogan: No shit. No piss.

Slogan: No piss. No shit.

Thank you…Jesus thank you.


Soul Sister Kathy Wong

Slogan: Vote for me and I'll make residencey rights through birth for mainland mothers illegal and punishable by up to 400 years in prison.

Slogan: Vote for me and I’ll make residency rights through birth for mainland mothers illegal and punishable by up to 400 years in prison.

Harsh but fair, Kathy, harsh but fair.


.Soul Brother George

Slogan: I'll do what it takes to keep mainlanders OUT and return the standard of living that they have robbed from us. Vote for me.

Slogan: I’ll do whatever it takes to keep mainlanders heavily restricted and return the standard of living that they have robbed from us…starting with a Suitcase Shopping Gestapo. I’ll make it illegal to haul a suitcase that contains anything but your travel luggage. Mainlanders buying milk powder, chemist products, shitting in the street, hoarding or crowding will be shot on sight. Vote for me.

Music to our ears George.


Soul Brother Harry

Slogan: Vote for me and I'll brind a brand of democracy to HK so fair even Philippino maids will be treated as human beings.

Slogan: Vote for me and I’ll bring a brand of democracy to HK so fair that even Filipino maids will be treated as human beings.

Vote for me and I'll ensure that ethnic minorities including Pakistani, Nepalese and Sri Lankan communities are not treated with callous disdain.

Vote for me and I’ll ensure that ethnic minorities including the Pakistani, Nepalese and Sri Lankan communities are not treated with callous, racist disdain.

Vote for me and I will put an end to systematic discrimination where designated schools mostly enrol ethnic minorities in order to keep more 'local' schools pure.

Vote for me and I’ll put an end to systematic discrimination whereby certain designated schools mostly enrol ethnic minorities in order to keep more local schools ‘pure’.

Vote for me and I'll put an end to the shameful use of belittling, stereotypical and racist textbooks in HK schools!

Vote for me and I’ll put an end to the shameful use of belittling, stereotypical and racist textbooks in HK schools!

Ok...fuck for me and I'll kick the Chinaman so hard in the ass he won't sit for a year, let alone consider lobbing into our city to buy armfuls of chemist supplies.

Ok…fuck it…vote for me and I’ll kick the Chinaman so hard in the ass he won’t sit for a year, let alone consider lobbing into our  wonderful world city like the dirty disgusting locust he most definitely is, eyes glazed over…one thing on his mind…to buy fistfuls of chemist supplies, assorted trinkets and other meaningless trash.

Fuck yeah!

Fucking A!


Oh yeah! We like this democracy thing…we like it a lot. The only problematic thing about democracy is which awesome candidate to choose?! They all share a similar policy platform…there’s a common thread to their vision for the future. They are all so good. Anyway, that’s what true democracy is all about isn’t it…the pleasure of quality choice…the smorgasboard of excellent options at your fingertips. Nothing can go wrong once we have democracy. These Commie pricks won’t stand a chance once we elect the right man for the job and let him clean up this shithole.

Get the fuck out you dirty locusts

Get the fuck out you dirty locusts


The British guy is an overweight white slob. The Swedish are blonds yodeling in the fjords with their cuckoo clocks. The grinning South African kid looks like an extra from the Cosby Show. The Australian Aborigine is some paint-covered cannibal with a bone through his nose. The book’s authors actually have no idea what Brits, Swedes, South Africans or Australian Aborigines look like, any more than they can get their head around a British street cleaner or a Filipino airline pilot. The cartoon white kid (tall nose) has a baseball cap; the brown kid (thick lips) has tribal tattoos and probably a collection of shrunken heads.

The British guy is an overweight white slob. The Swedish are blonds yodeling in the fjords with their cuckoo clocks. The grinning South African kid looks like an extra from the Cosby Show. The Australian Aborigine is some paint-covered cannibal with a bone through his nose. The book’s authors actually have no idea what Brits, Swedes, South Africans or Australian Aborigines look like, any more than they can get their head around a British street cleaner or a Filipino airline pilot. The cartoon white kid (tall nose) has a baseball cap; the brown kid (thick lips) has tribal tattoos and probably a collection of shrunken heads.

More hilarious info here about racist Hong Kong text books





Posted in Hong Kong | 2 Comments

Hong Kong Protests China Lies

Power to the people

Power to the people

Poor little Hong Kong. The one country, two systems formula has been turning sour by degrees for some time now. What a shock! Under the terms of its return to Beijing rule in 1997, Hong Kong was guaranteed a great deal of autonomy until 2047. That means freedom of speech, assembly and religion. It means a free press and a local government that represents the interests of the local people…a government for the people, by the people. But with the announcement by Beijing that the Central Government will hand-pick and approve all candidates for the 2017 Chief Executive Elections, tear gas canisters and pepper spray flying 2 seconds into pro-democracy protests, a thinly veiled pro-Beijing media chipping away at the legitimacy of Occupy Central and a flagrantly unsympathetic Chief Executive, the reality looks like the hundreds of thousands of desperate protesters trying to stand up for the future of their city are hitting nothing but dead ends. The city they love…their home…is being overrun in every possible way and is at risk of becoming just another city in China.

CY Lacky

CY Lacky

An awesome display

An awesome display

But it’s not really so much 2017 that Hong Kongers are worried about, that’s just solidified their resentment…it’s what is happening in Hong Kong now, and what has been happening in Hong Kong for some time that’s united this current awesome display of people power. These massive peaceful protests are about local Hong Kong disatisfaction with having to live as virtual second class citizens in their own home while hoards of wealthy mainland Chinese consumers strut the streets of Hong Kong buying everything that’s not nailed down, driving property prices and rent through the stratosphere, taking hospital beds, welfare, school places, jobs and automatic residency rights through birth…in a nutshell – lowering the standard of living for Hong Kong local residents. It’s a free-for-all…an unlimited mainland pig trough. Hog heaven.

Over the last few years particularly, Hong Kong/ mainland relations couldn’t be much lower. Who could forget class act, Kong Qingdong, the Chinese Professor who called Hong Kongers bastards and running dogs? Or the ‘Mainland Locust’ campaign? The D&G protests, milk powder, public urination and defacation, hard core chemist shop product hoarding, overcrowding, shameless suitcase shopping and a host of other niggling issues that underlie a more serious problem. Hong Kongers fear an encroachment on their way of life, a slow suffocation as they are swamped and crushed, invaded and infiltrated. Anti-mainalnd sentiment dominates Hong Kong opinion and rightly so, because China is a treacherous bald faced liar.

Fuck you Dolce & Gabbana.

Fuck you Dolce & Gabbana.

Everything that's not nailed down

Everything that’s not nailed down

Straight shooter, King Qing

Straight shooter, King Qingdong, discusses dogs and spanking…in a raw manner

Get the insecticide

Get the insecticide


Far be it from me to say…but if I was a local, I wouldn’t be occupying Central for democracy, peace and love…I’d be occupying it for complete independence from one of the world’s all time major players in corruption, greed, inequality, authoritarianism, hypocricy, persecution and crime.

Too bad HK is so dependent on China…or that might just work.


All the best Hong Kong…may the force be with you!





Posted in Hong Kong | 4 Comments

Hong Kong: Breaking News

What a scoop! Hong Kong Sucks has just received a leaked document purporting to detail the short list for the 2017 Chief Executive Elections. I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. Talk about spoilt for choice! It looks like Beijing has kicked nothing but goals in hand picking the candidates for Hong Kong. Each one is more eligible than the last and the public exposure of this explosive document is sure to not only send a pleasant ripple of calm and satisfaction through the protesting masses…but send them dutifully on home, chuckling bashfully, at their rash mistrust of righteous China. So, here it is…or should I say, here they are…the 2017 nominees for Chief Executive of Hong Kong. Happy voting, voters!

Candidate 1: Mr Wang Shoxin

Minister of Finance Wang Shoxin

Minister of Finance Wang Shoxin

Name:              Wang Shoxin
Position:         Minister of Finance, Sociopath
Strengths:      bribery, kickbacks, theft, misappropriation, misspending of public funds, graft,  embezzlement, backdoor deals, nepotism, statistical falsification, money laundering
Weaknesses: hookers
Philosophy:   More money equals more hookers


Candidate 2: Yan ‘Dancing Dave’ Binyu

Procurators-General of the Supreme People's Procuratorate Yan Binyu

Procurators-General of the Supreme People’s Procuratorate Yan Binyu

Name:           Yan Binyu
Alias:            Dancing Dave
Position:     Procurators-General of the Supreme People’s Procuratorate (Alibi Fabrication)
Hobbies:     Perverting the course of justice, official deviance, misuse of power, institutional structural corruption, precognitive thought crime retribution, dancing
Prediction: Quick on his feet, nimble and evasive, Dancing Dave stands a good chance.


Candidate 3: Chan Liangyau

5th Member of the Politburo Chan Liangyau

5th Member of the Politburo Chan Liangyau

Name:                  Chan Liangyau
Achievements: Failed to adapt to a changing environment in the post-Mao era, successfully perverted the legitimacy of data collection of standardised surveys aimed at documenting the scope of corruption in the CCP
Interests:            ‘hits’, character assassination, fraud, swindling, pyramid schemes
Personal Goal: to shoot a tiger and have its head mounted in my kitchen


Candidate 4: Jackie Chan

Let's clean up this town!

Let’s clean up this town!

Name:             Jackie Chan
Occupation: B-grade actor
Strengths:     Is well known
Weaknesses: has no credibility, is a B-grade actor
Likes:                Appearance fees


Candidate 5: Mr X

Mr Ping makes a withdrawal

Mr X makes a withdrawal

Name:    Mr X
Pros:      Remains at large & is anonymous
Cons:      Robs banks
Motto:   Don’t move, this is a stick up!


Candidate 6: Wong Yauyee

Goons...hired goons...

Goons…hired goons…

Name:            Wong Yauyee
Occupation: Goon…hired goon, henchman, saboteur provocateur
Skills:             One of CY Leung’s right hand men, Wong and his henchmen are skilled in the subversion of peaceful protest & infiltration. Can turn peaceful protest into chaos.
Enjoys:           Pottery, windsurfing


Candidate 7: Ying Ying



Name:             Ying Ying
Likes:              Bamboo
Dislikes:        Ocean Park
Strengths:     Front runner
Weaknesses: can’t talk


Candidate 8: The Devil

The ultimate darkhouse...but don't back him out.

The ultimate darkhorse…but don’t back him out.

Name:         Satan
Pros:            ‘can do’ attitude
Cons:           Possibly unhinged
Interests:   inequality, screaming, misery, pain & suffering
X Factor:    Could inhabit the body of any other candidate at any time


Well, there you have it. Hong Kong’s in good hands.

Ying Ying in action

Ying Ying in action

Posted in Hong Kong | 3 Comments

The Century of Humiliation is Over!

An address from honourable leader Xi Jinping to the people of Hong Kong

An address from honourable leader Xi Jinping to the people of Hong Kong…

Hong Kong Comrades,

An ancient Chinese proverb says that it is a fool who judges people on the presents they give him. In 156 years of British rule, what did you receive? Widespread opium addiciton? The degraded, underground title of unofficial British Drug Money Laundering Capital of the World? People smuggling hub of the world? Illicit trade headquarters? A bank bearing your name which is so staggeringly corrupt it makes the National People’s Congress look like a retirement home knitting circle? A ruling presence which all but turned a blind eye to a routing Japanese invasion in 1941 that saw large-scale looting and the gang rape of more than 10,000 Hong Kong women? A political system where the rich get richer and the poor live in squalid cages or urinate where they lay groveling on the street? A superiority complex so ingrained that when you look to the north it is down the length of your nose? Friends, tell me what thing of substance British rule has given you in all these years? Democracy? Let me tell you a few home truths about democracy.

Yay democracy!

Yay democracy!

Democracy is a system run by corrupt felons scratching and clawing up each other’s backs in pursuit of money and power. Politicians are all bought and sold among highest bidders who use them to further grease their greedy aims. The media is a whore that can only be trusted to say what it is told to say and the idea of a fair system of vote, even if it was fair, is a diabolical choice between a steaming, nose stinging coiler on your bed sheets and a massive turd spattered and globbed all over your kitchen table.  Democratic chest-beater, the United States of America has spent the last 50 or 60 years framing brown people for crimes they did not commit and then bombing innocent men, women and children back to the stone age so they can ‘save them from one evil dictator or another’ all while, as luck would have it, securing influence over important global regions useful to many of the world’s top 40 or so businesses…which largely happen to be oil and gas concerns. It’s the stacked deck of mob rule, media spin, bribery and extortion that has kept countries like America from appearing as what they are…hired thugs of the rich and powerful…and appearing as what they are not…do-good cops in a dangerous world. But friends, the world is moving on. The thin veneer of democracy is peeling away. The world is a jungle and Xi Jinping offers you his protection.

Greed is good

Greed is good

Comrades, the People’s Communist Party of China welcomes you back into the fold. What you are experienceing now is only natural, considering all you have endured in more than 100 years of Running Dog rule. All of your aggression, your questioning, protesting and distrust is simply the result of mass societal schizophrenia. You are experiencing an episode characterized by abnormal social behaviour and failure to recognise what is real. Common symptoms include false beliefs, unclear or confused thinking and auditory hallucinations. Dr Xi sees all. Your minds are splintered and cloudy. A hundred odd years as a sham world city will do that to you. A hundred odd years as the West’s private piggy bank will do that to anyone. But comrades, hear me now and hear me well…this is where the healing begins. So go ahead and project all your anger onto the CPC…take to the streets…occupy Central…occupy Admiralty…occupy Tin Shui Wai if you must. Occupy for democracy. Protest in the name of  this sick mirage…this abused system of corruption and greed. Get it out of your system. We assure you that, for now, your slings and arrows, spite and hate will be received with understanding and love. Because that’s the kind of organisation the CPC is. And when you are ready to finally come home, after this transient public psychotic phase, we will be waiting with our arms open…and we will never, ever let you go again. That is a promise.

Teething problems

Teething problems. A little bit of tear gas never hurt anyone.

Citizens, a wise man from northern China once said something that I think is poignant and pertinent given the current situation in Hong Kong. It is a proverb that we can all learn from and how I choose to end my address…up the dosage Hong Kong because the rat who gnaws at a cat’s tail invites destruction.

Your benevolent leader,

Xi Jinping
September 2014

This post sponsored by HSBC...laundering drug money and other ill gains since 1865.

This post sponsored by HSBC…laundering drug money and other ill-gotten gains since 1865.


Posted in Hong Kong | 13 Comments