Andy Lau Fell Off A Horse

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Pass around the hat for Andy…oh god…my kidney…my lung…my pelvis…anything…not Andy! Not Andy!! Anyone but Andy!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

If you’re stuck on the MTR and packed in so tight you can’t even access your phone, it can be a sound ploy to distract yourself from the surrounding scum by focusing your attention toward the on-board television, insipid and vacant as it is. That’s where I found myself the other day and this is what I saw…over and over…and over again:

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Surrounded by vacuous morons securing lame photos for a vacuous Hong Kong public, His Royal Highness and certified God, Andy Lau, is wheeled into the Hong Kong Sanatorium and Hospital in Happy Valley. That’s right…Sanatorium.

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Local deity, Sir Andy Lau fawns for the media

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The hospital bed where Hong Kong sacred cow, Andy Lau, will learn to use his bedpan.

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Supreme Being, Andy Lau, and his horse-stomped pelvis…sporting a bad cold…and a…horse throat?? 😉

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Andy…Andy!! How did it feeeeeeeeel when that horse stomped on your pelvis? Did you hear any bones snap??? Andy!!!!!!!!!!

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Andy Lau’s boring wife on her way to visit the injured divinity.

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We love you Andy! We love you! We are so bereft. Andy! Andy!!!! How does your pelvis feel??!!!!!!! Does it hurt when you urinate???!!! Andy!!!!!????

I know what you’re all saying…who the fuck is Andy Lau?? That’s exactly what I thought. I work with about 9 “Andy Laus” but none of them, that I know about, have tried to molest any horses recently. Apparently the Andy Lau with the snapped pelvis is some kind of money-grubbing horse hater who films TV commercials in Thailand. He’s an ‘entertainer’. In other words, he flits between the cracks, hobnobs with shallow show business types, sings lame dreary songs and makes B-Grade movies. No surprises then that a massive Hong Kong media scrum scuttled out of the smog, surrounded his ambulance stretcher like vultures, and started snapping away, ready to regurgitate their big ol’ pile of watery bile to a mind numbingly superficial Hong Kong populous, set to lap it up with relish, I’m sure. And just in case Yum Cha Johnny and Aunty Fishball don’t understand just what happened to poor Andy Lau, they have this…

Andy Lau can clearly be seen repeatedly jabbing the horse with a sharp object. The horse then bucks Andy off like a sack of potatoes and stomps him not once, but twice…right on the pelvis. Pin point. Ouch. Never work with animals or children, Andy.

What’s the moral of this story?

There is no moral. Andy Lau fell off a horse. Then a huge pile of scuttling substance starved robots took photos of him being wheeled into some kind of 19th century hospital…MTR television played the whole thing on a Clockwork Orange type loop…I watched it for 20 minutes to keep my attention diverted from the scum all around me and I reported my findings here.

The end.

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Dudley Dawson studies the Andy Lau media scrum.

Posted in Hong Kong | 61 Comments

Meat Bakery Blues

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Hong Kong baker, Eduardo Wong, adds a dash of meat to the bread mix

Hong Kong bakeries specialize in soft, limp bread with soft, limp crust. That’s how they like it in Hong Kong. Their bread mirrors the people…soft and limp. Now, because Hong Kong is shallow, superficial and gaudy, Hong Kong bakeries feel the need to dress their bread up in all manner of gimmickry. That’s why the bread available in most bakeries is rarely just bread. It has to be milk bread, butter bread, honey bread, syrup bread, chocolate bread, walnut bread, limp cheese bread, sugar bread, sweet bread, cheese sauce ‘flavour’ bread, sweet topping bread, used-by date mashed fig bread and dick cheese bread. You see, locals need to think they’re getting something special…something fancy. But they’re not.  They’re just getting soft, limp bread with third party gimmickry.

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It’s soft, it’s limp…it’s cheap disgusting crap…and Hong Kong loves it.

Hong Kong bakeries are also experts in the mass production of tasteless, substanceless cakes. Their cakes mirror the people…tasteless and without substance.  Trickery is a fine art, and Hong Kong bakeries are cunning tricksters. They’ve perfected the deceptive art of making cakes that appear inviting and sweet, but that are almost completely devoid of richness and taste. These things are so physically light and vacuous a sheet of paper would tip them on a set of scales. The shameful business practices of Hong Kong bakeries almost defy science. Whipped cream that tastes like air. Icing so plain you’re sure it’s made from starch and water. Butter, sugar, eggs, and flour that somehow combine to create the dull taste of old cardboard. Hong Kongers, of course, lap it all up and kid themselves it’s good because it comes in a special box with a carry string.

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An insipid collection of characterless crap

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They look ok, but taste like the gaudy cardboard box they come in

But of all the low down, half-baked, crusty, crummy bakery gimmicks implemented by seedy Hong Kong bakeries, the shrewdest one has to be MEAT BREAD. Like all canny food businesses, Hong Kong bakeries know that Hong Kongers can’t take 5 steps without stuffing some kind of meat down their throats. Any meat. It doesn’t matter. Walking into a Hong Kong bakery is like walking into some kind of meat locker or butcher shop chop-chop room. It’s like being on the slaughter belt of your local abattoir. If it once lived and breathed the air, knew its mother, had eyes, knew love or fear…then you’ll find it in the Hong Kong meat bakery, ground up, dead and stuffed in a glazed bun.

These fuckers will kill anything if they know they can shove it inside 2 cents worth of soft, limp bread for a profit. Ham steak croissant, black liver chicken bread, tuna fish pastry, sausage & cheese flavor bread, shredded pork bread, ham steak croissant, reconstituted ham baguette, tuna fish puff, cheese & turkey bun, meat cocktail roll, literal cocktail roll, flossy pork French stick, ham corn and corn-hole shredded pork bun, frankfurter sausage bread with added frankfurter, crispy sausage bun, pork belly bread, seared pork belly bread, double seared pork belly bread with extra belly, flossy pork salad bun, chicken cartilage roll, turtle gizzard cold remedy bread stick, cow tongue surprise sweet bread with turkey feet shavings, offal toast niblet dip slices, garlic chicken neck baguette, deep fried aspic meat with tendon roll butter melt bread, tiger penis bread balls, chicken tuna pork beef aspic turkey floss neck loaf.

Welcome to the killing floor, where rolling dough goes hand in hand with mincing, grinding, slicing, dicing, bashing, burning, flossing, cutting, stabbing, pressure broiling, stewing, braising, searing and charring as many ill-raised, stone cold terror stricken animals as can possibly be imagined on a daily basis. And the locals LOVE IT. When they ask, ‘have you had your breakfast yet?’…what they mean is…’did you sit on the train like me chewing with your wet saliva strewn mouth wide open totally oblivious to the sheer terror and unmitigated suffering waiting for anyone within eye-shot of your repugnant, wet mouth-full of pork floss sausage bun yet?’ I always say, ‘no’. No I have not. You scum.

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Is that reconstituted turkey sausage? Is there any other kind of turkey sausage? Hahaha

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We put all our swine through a series of real, actual floss pulling machine jaws, designed to inflict maximum pain and suffering. The result? Limp soft bread with pig floss so fine you can use it to polish steel. MMMM MMMMMM!

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Specialist Hong Kong baker, Moses Chan. “They key to great bread is meat.”

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Ham steak bun. Is that ham reconstituted? Of course it’s reconstituted mother fucker! It’s been reconstituted 9 times since last Wednesday 🙂

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Chicken floss bread…it’s really not as bad as it sounds…it’s worse. 

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It looks bad now…but wait til Winnie Lau’s sitting opposite you on the bus smacking her chops all over it making slapping sounds with her reconstituted sausage saliva mouth chatting loudly into her phone at 7.45am. You’ll think you’ve died and gone to Hong Kong. If you look close enough, you’ll see Winnie actually eat some of the plastic bag around the sausage bun because she’s so profoundly oblivious she has no idea the plastic bag isn’t the reconstituted sausage bun.She simply can’t tell.

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Turkey bun. You’d be a turkey not to buy as many as you can eat before your bus gets you from Tsim Sha Tsui to North Point.

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Crispy sausage bun? Flossy pork? Nice to meat you!

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Tuna ‘fish’ puff labelling prevents people from misguidedly buying tuna ‘pork’ puffs…which are also sensational, but cost a dollar more…and aren’t fish!

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Hong Kong baker, Jacky Cheng, gets ready to knead some dough…with a couple of 4 pound ducks.

The Hong Kong bakery is a disgusting den of pastry perversion and degeneracy. These cheap snake oil, sizzle selling merchants prey upon Hong Kong weakness…a penchant for limpness, softness, shallowness and base limbic desire. I can only hope that when Hong Kong fully and magnificently kowtows to China that these crimes against humanity…these meat bakeries…become a thing of the past like the crazy conspiracy theories about mistreatment and mismanagement at the Tiananmen Square ‘Massacre’ and the absurd ‘stories’ about Cultural Revolution genocides. Once China’s firmly behind the wheel, there’ll be no place for shonkiness, artifice or deception in the HK bakery industry, that’s for sure. A baker’s dozen will be a baker’s dozen…and turtle gizzard will be something you drink, not put in a bun. And I’ll never have to look at you maw your way through some disgusting meat pastry product, sloshing it around in your disgusting wide open mouth, stinking up the train, ever again. You oblivious scum.

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Highly respected baker, Eddy Cheung, sears an infant wild boar alive for his signature dish…seared wild infant boar bread stick. You’re amazing Eddy.

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Pig hair & duck floss surprise. Trying to tell pig hair from split duck feather quill is part of the fun and Hong Kongers love it nearly as much as lining up for 3 hours to throw a foam ball into a hole in a box to win a plastic drink bottle.

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This post brought to you by the staggeringly corrupt and felonious Citibank chain…laundering Mexican drug cartel money with the occasional slap on the wrist for over 50 years…and attempting to hoodwink dim-witted fork and spoon operators out of their hard earned cash with blue suitcase trinkets for almost as long.

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This post additionally brought to you by Used Tissue Hill. When tourists ask me where to go for authentic Hong Kong culture…I don’t hesitate. It’s Used Tissue Hill every time. It’s as Hong Kong as sitting on a train with a wide open mouthful of soggy limp disgusting pig giblet bread.

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When you’re done climbing beautiful Used Tissue Hill, take the load off your feet and out of your nose at Mucus Bench…everyone else does!

Posted in Hong Kong | 94 Comments

Mainlanders & Spencer

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False advertising

Marks & Spencer really knows which side their bread is buttered, that much is clear, and I’ll prove it in a minute…but do they really need to persist with the blatantly false advertising?? Why not just come out and be truthful? Show a little respect for the market. Stop trying to pass yourself off as a decidedly English retail outlet when none of the clothes you sell fit the image you’re pushing. The Tsim Sha Tsui, iSquare image above, is highly deceptive and clearly indicative of the kind of false advertising I’m talking about. Here’s what it should look like:

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A more accurate portrayal of the type of apparel you’ll find in Hong Kong Marks & Spencer these days…totally fitting of the kinds of sausage fingered customers you’ll find ransacking shop racks like people who’ve never seen a striped shirt with collar before. Gimmee gimmee gimmee…must buy my weight in striped collared shirts before dusk!

Let’s check out what’s on offer from the London based retailer. As I’m sure you’ll agree, they sure do cater to the market…

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How do you like your stripes? We have them horizontal.

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By the way, do you like collars? Coz all our shirts have them.

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…all kinds of stripes…all kinds of collars…

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…more stripes with more collars…plus…JUST IN!!! NEW ARRIVAL!!!…designs that don’t mean anything and look like the kind of total shit your weird uncle wore to your grandmother’s funeral last year…

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…did somebody say ‘stripes’??

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…stripes and holy shit, are they dots??…with a stripe on the sleeves…and bold black collar…??? I’ll have 45 of them, please.

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…Did I hear someone say ‘stripes’?? Oh, yessss we have stripes…what particular kind of stripe were you looking for??

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It doesn’t matter…just as long as it has stripes…preferably horizontal…if it doesn’t have stripes make sure it’s got a collar…I want to fit in.

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Stripey goodness

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If the stripe fits wear it

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Cripes! More stripes!

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Got stripes?

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There’s some things money can’t buy…for everything else there’s stripes.

Anyway, fuck, it’s just rack after rack after rack of mainland shirt. That’s all you can buy there now. I’m not complaining though. Marks & Spencer is an overpriced fashion fop hangout at the best of times. I just think their slick advertising should represent the mainland infested Hong Kong customer base they’re dealing with more accurately, that’s all.

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Mainland Martin sports the latest in stripes from Marks & Spencer. Lookin’ good Martin!

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Leroy Lau brags about his new Marks & Spencer shirt, featuring, to the envy of his friends, some kind of checked combo…with collar. Leroy won’t shut up about his 4 suitcases full of striped, collared shirts.

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With a stripe/ collar combo, you’re in like Ling here. Go Ling, go.

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Stripes, collars and 250 bags of whatever

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Ok, I’m off to Marks & Spencer. See ya.

 

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This post brought to you by ‘taking your cat for a walk on a leash’

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The thing’s head was whipping and darting around in a skittish frenzy of alarm and fear. Every sound was a threat, everything that moved spelled danger.

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But of course, the cruel and ignorant owner was oblivious to all of that. She’s just taking her cat for a walk. What?? What’s wrong with that? This is Hong Kong style, you know?!

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HI I’M ON A TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?????????????????? I’M ON A TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Hong Kong | 89 Comments

Major Upset at 2016 WWLC Championships

Oh doctor!! In what experts are calling the biggest local news story of the past 150 years, Hong Kong based terror language Cantonese, affectionately known locally as ‘the language of spite and hate’, has been toppled for the crown in Saturday’s 2016 WWLC knockout series finals in downtown Sham Shui Po, Hong Kong.

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Beautiful downtown Sham Shui Po played host to this years WWLC

The stunning upset marks the first time in the history of the WWLC that Cantonese has relinquished the coveted top spot to any of the world’s competing horrific languages. According to WWLC historian and statistician, Chan Chun Lin Jr, records date back as far as the first Opium War (1839) when visiting British Warlord and drug dealer, Admiral Wetherby J Snotsberry took time out from routine British East India Company funded merciless unarmed civilian bombing campaigns to note in his journal: “I’m not sure what’s more heinous and objectionable…the unintelligible blood curdling death screams of shrapnel riddled Chinese peasants writhing in agony under the hard rain of our military superiority and newly wrought technology, or the diabolical and equally unintelligible cackling of the as yet, un-wounded, fleeing for their miserable lives down dingy coastal town alley ways, shouting desperate warnings to their Chinese kin while straw huts and rice paddies explode all around them.” – A J Snotsberry, 1840.

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Brave British troops subdue hopelessly out-gunned sandal wearing goldfish tenders in devastatingly merciless rout

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‘See this cutlass? You keep beakin’ like that, you’ll taste its steel my friend.’ – A J Snotsberry

The following year, the Right Honourable A J Snotsberry went on to found and inaugurate the very first World’s Worst Language Championship, comfortably won by Team Cantonese, heralding an unsurpassed 175 year run as world’s worst language.

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Britain…slinging product for centuries.

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Grateful customers kick back with a whole lot of sweet, sweet ‘Chinese Molasses’

For generations, Cantonese has reigned supreme as the undisputed world’s worst language, fending off stiff competition from the likes of Hindi, French, Arabic, Spanish, Korean, English, ABC Southern Californian English and Putonghua. It has consistently swept nearly all 10 categories since the ‘defined category’ system was implemented under WWLC rule reforms in 1938…rules that sought to even the paying field and allow competing languages the opportunity to joust in individual disciplines. But the ’38 reforms did little to loosen the savage grip Cantonese held on the trophy…nothing it seemed, could compete with the unsettling, snarling, bitter tones of the repellent men and women of Cantonese stronghold, Hong Kong. Until now.

Amid chaotic scenes on Saturday afternoon in picturesque downtown Sham Shui Po, it was Tagalog to take the crown.

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Tagalog is an Austronesian language spoken by up to 60 million people of the Philippines. In its standardised form, Tagalog (or simply Filipino) is a devastatingly nauseating language once considered by the US military for use in enhanced interrogation techniques along with waterboarding, binding in contorted stress positions, sleep deprivation, food deprivation and subjection to extremes of heat and cold. In July 2007, the European Court of Human Rights formally ruled that prolonged exposure to Tagalog was torture and condemned its use by intelligence agencies and military organisations around the world.

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Waterboard me…the rack…bamboo up the fingernails…anything but the Tagalog…not the Tagalog!!

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Tagalog time…it’s Tagalicious!

Over the last 10 years, Tagalog has enjoyed success and kudos but never the title in the WWL World Championship Finals. Jubilant Philippines President, Rodrigo ‘Rody the Vigilante’ Roa Duterte praised the 2016 win as the ‘sweetest moment’ in Philippine history since his notorious implementation of the Davao Death Squads in 1998. ‘We really stood up this year and showed the world that not only are we number one in vigilante fuelled summary execution crime, but we’re the world’s worst language too…it doesn’t get any better than that!’ – ‘Rody the Vigilante’ Duterte.

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Ready to negotiate…Philippine President Duterte

In the lead up to this years championships, few gave Tagalog much hope. ‘A lot of people have this misconception that Filipinos are simple, laid-back coconut collectors with an easy drawl and unflappable nature, ready to freshen your tropical gin and tonic while you  sit back and survey your plantation from the cool, cool shade of your imported treated oak veranda. Well, you know…when we aren’t out in broad daylight, brandishing handguns, homemade knives and 2 foot long machetes, whacking suspected drug users in street-side cafes and movie ticket box queues, that’s pretty much true. But this year was different. Team Tagalog meant business this year.’ – Nic Salonga, Team Tagalog Masseuse.

Turning tradition on its head, 2016 was the first year a competitive Tagalog team was selected from outside of more familiar recruiting grounds such as the corrupt, grime smeared streets of Manilla, the compound armed guarded shopping malls of Cebu and the deadly streets of Davao.

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Wish you were here…postcards from Manilla

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Duterte’s Death Squads strike again. It’s kind of like that ‘3 strikes you’re out policy’…but you don’t get any strikes.

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Duterte’s Death Squad puts the stomp on another evil doer. This time a suspected marijuana user. ‘We heard from a man who said he knew the dead man’s cousin’s wife’s friend’s workmate’s sister…well apparently she used to work in a fish processing plant with someone’s aunty’s best friend who told her boyfriend’s mother that this guy was a pot smoker. Well, that was good enough for us so we gunned the sucker down in front of a second hand shoe sale in southern Davao. He won’t be passing any more Dutchies to the left hand side, that’s for sure.’ – Larry, Duterte’s Death Squad Spokesman.

‘Don’t get me wrong. These areas are goldmines. Some of the spoken language coming out of those centres is world class. I mean, it will sear the ears off a bronze statue. It’ll have you curled into the fetal position in seconds, crying for it to stop. But, you know, when you’re competing against Cantonese there’s just no shortcuts. You need something special and there’s no way around it. It’s just that bad. Cantonese is fucking horrific. We’ve come so close in recent years and in the end it was just a bit of sideways thinking that pushed us over the line this year. Just a great team effort. I’m proud of them all.’ Isidro del Pradoso, Head Coach, Team Tagalog.

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…and inflict it on anyone within earshot for that day…lots of catching up to do with only one day a week a free slave…and that means Tagalog at a thousand miles an hour, lots of clicking and popping and rolling clacking tongues that never seem to shut the fuck up.

Pradoso explains that the 2016 Tagalog team was made up of randomly selected, Hong Kong based Filipino maids. ‘I don’t know if you’ve ever been in the same space as a bunch of Filipino maids in Hong Kong for more than a few minutes at a time…maybe on the MTR, a bus or a cramped staircase or something…but they’re incessant. I mean, I’m a pacifist and a Filipino myself…and I was nearly driven clinically insane last Easter when I visited Hong Kong on a 3 day business trip. I was ready to kill every last human being…man, woman and child on that train just to make a single Filipino woman stop beaking into her phone. Luckily, as I was pulling out my concealed machete, it dawned on me…if one Filipino maid can drive a guy like me to the point of literal mass murder, imagine what a group of them…together…all jabbering at the same time must be like. It was a real light-bulb in the head moment for me.

But, I don’t know what to put their stupendously aggravating jibber jabber down to though. It must be something to do with living and working as a maid in this vacuous, desperately callous Hong Kong milieu. It gives an edge to the voice, like no other place, a desperation…some kind of blaring ignorance maybe. From what I saw, Filipino maids certainly have absolutely no regard for other people in any way shape or form. They just don’t care. It’s like they take a huge deep breath, hold it for a second…and then unleash this highly irritating torrent of flipping, flopping, clicking, clacking, rolling, wobbling noise that never seems to end. Now, if you’re the type of mindless cretin who can sit there in an enclosed, crowded public space, stone cold, and yell and scream into your phone or carry out these teeth rattlingly loud, selfish conversations with your ignorant chums, without the slightest consideration for other people, then hey, the WWLC is for you. You see, in the WWLC, you need that kind of obliviousness. It’s not a competition where caring, self reflection or any form of humanity counts. It simply rewards ignorance and baseness. That’s why Hong Kong Canto has been so strong for so long.

Anyway, history now shows my hunch was right. Just look at the result. Four of the 6 judges were hospitalised and one was so out of control he swiped a paring knife from a mango juice stall and attacked our whole team before they could even finish their main routine. And I knew, I just knew as soon as Jisweda Marcos was stabbed in the throat by that judge, that our chances of winning were pretty good. I just had that feeling. Jisweda’s a real trooper though, she’ll be back next year bigger, badder, louder and more inconsiderate I’m sure.’

The categories and results for the 2016 competition were as follows:

Disciplines

Hong Kong’s Lament

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Team Cantonese vice captain Jimmy Wong

‘I dunno. It just seems everything is going wrong these days. Mainland China is pushing us around, rents are high, there’s lead in the water pipes, our city sucks. It’s all kind of taking the wind out of our sails. Maybe we feel weak somehow. I dunno. It’s shameful to be the first ever team to lose this championship. I lost face you know? I just don’t know what to say. There just wasn’t the same kind of spite and malice in our voice this year. It’s like we are looking over our shoulder or something. We just weren’t able to lash out consistently across the 10 disciplines with the right kind of vicious streak we usually have. I don’t know. They had that ‘put the child to sleep’ category this year. It was a new category. I mean, what is that? If an infant’s ear drums burst, how are we supposed to not put it to sleep? We lose points for our efforts. I feel like we got robbed. I just…I dunno…I’m speechless. We want to protest the result, actually. I mean…is it legal to have Filipino maids who are based in HK, represent the Philippines? They are here in our home base, stealing all our ideas, using us as inspiration. It’s not fair.’ – Jimmy Wong, vc, Team Cantonese.

Let’s hear it for Team Tagalog. Congratulations on a very well deserved victory. You must be very proud!

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Posted in Hong Kong | 99 Comments

Suicide Prevention HK Style

Suicide’s a delicate and complicated subject, but in Hong Kong, psychologists, in cahoots with the Education Bureau, believe a ham-fisted preventative approach works best for youngsters who want to end it all. In Hong Kong, as ever, heavy doses of unwavering practicality, bluntness, box ticking and paperwork are the only answer.

22 students from as young as 11yo have taken their lives since the start of the school year in September. The 4 most recent cases occurred in the space of 5 days. With these grim statistics in mind, here’s what the experts have come up with:

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Feeling raw enough to slice your wrists in a bathtub full of warm water? Go play with your pet turtle you crazy nut.

The genius of a form like this is its simplicity. A think tank sits around a table with suicides piling up all around them, aware they must act. They must do something…but what?

Can they wave a magic wand and magically turn Hong Kong from the disgusting, nasty, dog-eat-dog, ‘me first’, cramped, polluted, vacuous place that it is, into a relaxed ‘life before work’ chilled out village? No. Can they somehow convince parents to ease up on the mania…the sheer unadulterated mania and manic delirium they have for all things education? Fuck no. Can they click their fingers and change Chinese culture in one fell swoop – suddenly turning it from the highly authoritarian, discipline based, ‘face’ obsessed, snobbish, group-think, money driven, materialistic culture that it is, into a culture that values the kind of happiness you can’t buy in a shop? No way.  Can they put an end to pre-kindergarten attainment test interviews for 2yo children and all the pressure that instils? Nope. Can they look in the mirror, at the very education system they run and administer…where every facet of every class at every year level bears the psychological weight, importance and pressure of a space shuttle launch…and step back for a second, howl at the moon and scream ‘oh God forgive us what the fuck are we doing we must be out of our fucking minds!’? No fucking way!

So what do these MENSA graduates do? That’s easy. They make a form to fill out. I promise not to kill myself between now and April 17th. How practical. How blunt. How Hong Kong.

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By signing this suicide form, you agree to exempt the HK Education Bureau from any responsibility, liability, litigation or loss of face in the event of your untimely demise.

Let’s not even get into the real reasons behind why things are so fucked in Hong Kong for so many people. We wouldn’t want to cause any loss of face for the small number of cartels and big business bosses greedily scooping up 99% of the pie while the majority of Hong Kong sits around arguing whether they are eating it or not. Or more exactly:

“Lets face it, Hong Kong is facing a disintegration of its social fabric; the student suicide rate is just a symptom of that process. The disintegration is due to falling social mobility caused by a cartel of businesses who reduce real wages, push-up costs and exploit workers. These factors, coupled with high property prices, terrible pollution and over-crowding of our city, has placed unbearable strains on all of us. Just to add to that feeling of despair, we have a malfunctioning government, with officials out of touch with reality and low quality politicians. Any young person with an ounce of intellect realises they face years of study, then earning poor wages to buy a cramped concrete box in the sky, at inflated costs; maybe they will get 18-days holiday a year, they will pay into the mandatory provident fund to earn a paltry pension and that’s their future.”

– ‘Kubrick’ Mar 12th 2016, 10:33am

Ouch.

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HK Secretary for Education Eddie Ng has a sweet job and a nice house. “I never killed myself when I was a teenager, and look how I turned out.” – Eddie Ng speaks to primary school children last Thursday.

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White knuckle time. No pressure, children, but this quiz decides your future. Don’t choke!

 

Posted in Hong Kong | 148 Comments

You can have my fishballs when you pry them from my cold dead hands

It’s the year of the Monkey! And it’s off to a playful start. Street food hawkers try to cash in on Chinese New Year festivities, the man tries to shut them down, the crowd goes ape!

Read about it here. Eyewitness account here.

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Officer fires live rounds into the night sky…MOVE AWAY FROM THE AREA THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE!

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Freeze dirtbag!

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Dead or alive you’re coming with me

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Don’t cry because it’s over…smile because it happened

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Never bring a truncheon to a rubbish bin fight

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Police calmly reason with wild lunatics

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Fishballs roasting on an open fire…police force nipping at your nose…

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Where do I put the empties officer?

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Right in the fishballs!

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A cuntstable with situation under control

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Citizen incinerates himself in protest over fishball ban

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Permit? We don’t need no stinking permits.

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Fishball damaged taxi

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Dog liberated from street vendor

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Unhygienic? What’s that supposed to mean?? Vendors set up in alley.

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Hooligans push over dustbins in Shaftesbury

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Traditional Chinese New Year celebrations

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Loafing on the job

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5 missing booksellers? An unelected government? Astronomical housing costs? Lead laced pipes in public housing estates? Mainland tension? Fuck all that…let’s go after the little man…the easy target…the fishball hawker and the street meat vendor. CRUSH THE LOSERS!

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Let them eat fishballs

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…from my cold dead hands!

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Fishball revolutionist

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Please put down the fishballs. You have 20 seconds to comply. You are in direct violation of Penal Code 1.13, section 9. You have 5 seconds to comply. 4…3…2…1…I am now authorized to use physical force!

 

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I think I’m sophisticated, ‘cos I’m living my life like a good Homosapien. But all around me everybody’s multiplying ’til they’re walking round like flies man. So I’m no better than the animals sitting in their cages in the zoo man. ‘Cos compared to the flowers and the birds and the trees. I am an ape man

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Man down! Bins, bricks, fishballs and pallets rain down on the fuzz

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Brave rioter (left hand side) prepares to bludgeon defenceless unconscious police officer with length of timber. See above image for unconscious officer.

Awesome footage:

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And that’s that.

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It’s gonna be a great year 🙂

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What’s it all for? What’s the point of it all? And if it hasn’t got a point, what’s the point of that??

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You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Posted in Hong Kong | 21 Comments

My Mum Says I’m Cool!

Somebody cue the Benny Hill music…please…because Hong Kong, you’re a worldwide joke

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I just don’t know what to say

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Still don’t know what to say

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Heehaw!

It’s not like these conditions came out of nowhere, surprising even the most experienced of meteorologists and weathermen. The cold snap was all over the papers, internet and forecasts for days, even weeks before these dipshits decided it might be a great idea to flock to Tai Mo Shan like subnormals, park their cars in huge road blocking jams and go see some frost.

It’s totally fine if you want to get out there in nature and go and see some cold weather…good for you…but to be so ill-prepared and so painfully and obviously inept and helpless that you flood emergency hotlines the second things get ‘too big on you’ shows you, quite simply, to be dimwitted fucks. Head to toe in North Face K2 all terrain mountain gear…but you suck harder than my girlfriend’s pet octopus.

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My HK girlfriend and her pet octopus…they both absolutely suck

Stick to what you do best…spitting chicken bones onto dinner tables in disgusting filthy piles, making a spectacle of yourself by yelling in public like a professional moron and taking pictures of ridiculous mascots in devastatingly soulless, crowded shopping malls and streets. Attempts at spontaneity don’t suit you, you malfunctioning drones.

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‘According to SCMP reports, over 100 ‘frost tourists‘ went for a hike on the mountain leaving their cars so badly parked on the access road that emergency services had to walk 3 clicks to reach them when they called for help after realising they couldn’t walk across icy ground.’ – HK Sucks reader.

Anyway, I’m off to work, where you can bet your left and right ball my HK ‘workmates’ will have every conceivable window and door open as wide as possible in a ridiculously ill-informed ploy to combat the GERM induced death nightmare that haunts their tiny superstitious minds when 2 or more people are forced to share a room that lacks gale-force, frigid, open air ventilation. Closed doors and closed windows mean GERMS WILL KILL YOU IN SECONDS, don’t you know?! Everyone in Hong Kong knows that. And the colder it gets, the more doors and windows you need open. Fuck. Remember SARS? That’s how SARS killed in 2003…too many closed doors. Too many closed windows. Too many GERMS. Better to shiver and freeze to death than die of GERMS. Get practical Hong Kong! Open the windows…open the doors…stop GERMS and die another day!

Well, I’m rambling now. I’ll get my coat, and leave Albert Cheng, of the South China Morning Post, to tell you more…

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Key words: ’embarrassingly poor’, ‘irresponsible frost chasers’, ‘foolish decision’

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Key words: ’embarrassing scene’, ‘rescuers were seen slipping’

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Key words: ‘Eddie Ng’, ‘worst call’, ‘knee-jerk decision’, ‘children wasted a day of normal schooling’, ‘opportunity to endure some physical hardship’, ‘contagious diseases’, ‘Hong Kong kids are mostly spoiled and overprotected’, ‘physical challenge’, ‘life lesson in perseverance’

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Key words: ‘The public mood was festive, and none of the response units was ready for action’

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Key words: ‘Dickson’

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Key words: ‘curious visitors’, ‘view frost’, ‘traffic jam’, ‘took along their children on a family outing

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Let’s get over-excited and go see some frost

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My big stupid day out…seconds later I was on the phone to emergency services because mother nature hates me

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Oh…look…frost!

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Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh, Har?

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Benny Hill approves

Posted in Hong Kong | 26 Comments