Suicide Prevention HK Style

Suicide’s a delicate and complicated subject, but in Hong Kong, psychologists, in cahoots with the Education Bureau, believe a ham-fisted preventative approach works best for youngsters who want to end it all. In Hong Kong, as ever, heavy doses of unwavering practicality, bluntness, box ticking and paperwork are the only answer.

22 students from as young as 11yo have taken their lives since the start of the school year in September. The 4 most recent cases occurred in the space of 5 days. With these grim statistics in mind, here’s what the experts have come up with:


Feeling raw enough to slice your wrists in a bathtub full of warm water? Go play with your pet turtle you crazy nut.

The genius of a form like this is its simplicity. A think tank sits around a table with suicides piling up all around them, aware they must act. They must do something…but what?

Can they wave a magic wand and magically turn Hong Kong from the disgusting, nasty, dog-eat-dog, ‘me first’, cramped, polluted, vacuous place that it is, into a relaxed ‘life before work’ chilled out village? No. Can they somehow convince parents to ease up on the mania…the sheer unadulterated mania and manic delirium they have for all things education? Fuck no. Can they click their fingers and change Chinese culture in one fell swoop – suddenly turning it from the highly authoritarian, discipline based, ‘face’ obsessed, snobbish, group-think, money driven, materialistic culture that it is, into a culture that values the kind of happiness you can’t buy in a shop? No way.  Can they put an end to pre-kindergarten attainment test interviews for 2yo children and all the pressure that instils? Nope. Can they look in the mirror, at the very education system they run and administer…where every facet of every class at every year level bears the psychological weight, importance and pressure of a space shuttle launch…and step back for a second, howl at the moon and scream ‘oh God forgive us what the fuck are we doing we must be out of our fucking minds!’? No fucking way!

So what do these MENSA graduates do? That’s easy. They make a form to fill out. I promise not to kill myself between now and April 17th. How practical. How blunt. How Hong Kong.


By signing this suicide form, you agree to exempt the HK Education Bureau from any responsibility, liability, litigation or loss of face in the event of your untimely demise.

Let’s not even get into the real reasons behind why things are so fucked in Hong Kong for so many people. We wouldn’t want to cause any loss of face for the small number of cartels and big business bosses greedily scooping up 99% of the pie while the majority of Hong Kong sits around arguing whether they are eating it or not. Or more exactly:

“Lets face it, Hong Kong is facing a disintegration of its social fabric; the student suicide rate is just a symptom of that process. The disintegration is due to falling social mobility caused by a cartel of businesses who reduce real wages, push-up costs and exploit workers. These factors, coupled with high property prices, terrible pollution and over-crowding of our city, has placed unbearable strains on all of us. Just to add to that feeling of despair, we have a malfunctioning government, with officials out of touch with reality and low quality politicians. Any young person with an ounce of intellect realises they face years of study, then earning poor wages to buy a cramped concrete box in the sky, at inflated costs; maybe they will get 18-days holiday a year, they will pay into the mandatory provident fund to earn a paltry pension and that’s their future.”

– ‘Kubrick’ Mar 12th 2016, 10:33am



HK Secretary for Education Eddie Ng has a sweet job and a nice house. “I never killed myself when I was a teenager, and look how I turned out.” – Eddie Ng speaks to primary school children last Thursday.


White knuckle time. No pressure, children, but this quiz decides your future. Don’t choke!


Posted in Hong Kong | 112 Comments

You can have my fishballs when you pry them from my cold dead hands

It’s the year of the Monkey! And it’s off to a playful start. Street food hawkers try to cash in on Chinese New Year festivities, the man tries to shut them down, the crowd goes ape!

Read about it here. Eyewitness account here.


Officer fires live rounds into the night sky…MOVE AWAY FROM THE AREA THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE!


Freeze dirtbag!


Dead or alive you’re coming with me


Don’t cry because it’s over…smile because it happened


Never bring a truncheon to a rubbish bin fight


Police calmly reason with wild lunatics


Fishballs roasting on an open fire…police force nipping at your nose…


Where do I put the empties officer?


Right in the fishballs!


A cuntstable with situation under control


Citizen incinerates himself in protest over fishball ban


Permit? We don’t need no stinking permits.


Fishball damaged taxi


Dog liberated from street vendor


Unhygienic? What’s that supposed to mean?? Vendors set up in alley.


Hooligans push over dustbins in Shaftesbury


Traditional Chinese New Year celebrations


Loafing on the job


5 missing booksellers? An unelected government? Astronomical housing costs? Lead laced pipes in public housing estates? Mainland tension? Fuck all that…let’s go after the little man…the easy target…the fishball hawker and the street meat vendor. CRUSH THE LOSERS!


Let them eat fishballs


…from my cold dead hands!



Fishball revolutionist


Please put down the fishballs. You have 20 seconds to comply. You are in direct violation of Penal Code 1.13, section 9. You have 5 seconds to comply. 4…3…2…1…I am now authorized to use physical force!



I think I’m sophisticated, ‘cos I’m living my life like a good Homosapien. But all around me everybody’s multiplying ’til they’re walking round like flies man. So I’m no better than the animals sitting in their cages in the zoo man. ‘Cos compared to the flowers and the birds and the trees. I am an ape man

smack 2

Man down! Bins, bricks, fishballs and pallets rain down on the fuzz


Brave rioter (left hand side) prepares to bludgeon defenceless unconscious police officer with length of timber. See above image for unconscious officer.

Awesome footage:


And that’s that.


It’s gonna be a great year:)


What’s it all for? What’s the point of it all? And if it hasn’t got a point, what’s the point of that??


You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Posted in Hong Kong | 17 Comments

My Mum Says I’m Cool!

Somebody cue the Benny Hill music…please…because Hong Kong, you’re a worldwide joke


I just don’t know what to say


Still don’t know what to say



It’s not like these conditions came out of nowhere, surprising even the most experienced of meteorologists and weathermen. The cold snap was all over the papers, internet and forecasts for days, even weeks before these dipshits decided it might be a great idea to flock to Tai Mo Shan like subnormals, park their cars in huge road blocking jams and go see some frost.

It’s totally fine if you want to get out there in nature and go and see some cold weather…good for you…but to be so ill-prepared and so painfully and obviously inept and helpless that you flood emergency hotlines the second things get ‘too big on you’ shows you, quite simply, to be dimwitted fucks. Head to toe in North Face K2 all terrain mountain gear…but you suck harder than my girlfriend’s pet octopus.


My HK girlfriend and her pet octopus…they both absolutely suck

Stick to what you do best…spitting chicken bones onto dinner tables in disgusting filthy piles, making a spectacle of yourself by yelling in public like a professional moron and taking pictures of ridiculous mascots in devastatingly soulless, crowded shopping malls and streets. Attempts at spontaneity don’t suit you, you malfunctioning drones.


‘According to SCMP reports, over 100 ‘frost tourists‘ went for a hike on the mountain leaving their cars so badly parked on the access road that emergency services had to walk 3 clicks to reach them when they called for help after realising they couldn’t walk across icy ground.’ – HK Sucks reader.

Anyway, I’m off to work, where you can bet your left and right ball my HK ‘workmates’ will have every conceivable window and door open as wide as possible in a ridiculously ill-informed ploy to combat the GERM induced death nightmare that haunts their tiny superstitious minds when 2 or more people are forced to share a room that lacks gale-force, frigid, open air ventilation. Closed doors and closed windows mean GERMS WILL KILL YOU IN SECONDS, don’t you know?! Everyone in Hong Kong knows that. And the colder it gets, the more doors and windows you need open. Fuck. Remember SARS? That’s how SARS killed in 2003…too many closed doors. Too many closed windows. Too many GERMS. Better to shiver and freeze to death than die of GERMS. Get practical Hong Kong! Open the windows…open the doors…stop GERMS and die another day!

Well, I’m rambling now. I’ll get my coat, and leave Albert Cheng, of the South China Morning Post, to tell you more…


Key words: ’embarrassingly poor’, ‘irresponsible frost chasers’, ‘foolish decision’


Key words: ’embarrassing scene’, ‘rescuers were seen slipping’


Key words: ‘Eddie Ng’, ‘worst call’, ‘knee-jerk decision’, ‘children wasted a day of normal schooling’, ‘opportunity to endure some physical hardship’, ‘contagious diseases’, ‘Hong Kong kids are mostly spoiled and overprotected’, ‘physical challenge’, ‘life lesson in perseverance’


Key words: ‘The public mood was festive, and none of the response units was ready for action’


Key words: ‘Dickson’


Key words: ‘curious visitors’, ‘view frost’, ‘traffic jam’, ‘took along their children on a family outing


Let’s get over-excited and go see some frost


My big stupid day out…seconds later I was on the phone to emergency services because mother nature hates me




Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh, Har?


Benny Hill approves

Posted in Hong Kong | 24 Comments

Invasion of the Chinese Body Snatchers


I’m thinking about going into the politically subversive book business. Rents are dropping, I hear. And with all these local booksellers mysteriously vanishing without a trace, there’s a handy little niche in the market. Who’s in?


There’ll be something for everyone at Dudley’s Book Exchange!

Some of the choice titles to look out for:

Five’s Company Six is an Orgy: My life as a pimp – by Xi Jinping
How to Spot a Dissident: And what to do when you don’t ‘love thy neighbour’ – by CY Leung
Dr StrangeXi or: How to Stop Worrying and Love the Police State – by Tommy Chong
Getting Away From it all…Forever: a hiker’s guide to Hong Kong – Associated Press
Prostrate Yourself and Get Healthy Stupid!: the art of the Kowtow – by Raymond Tam
Sex, Lies & Booksellers: a juicy expose’ – by Ng Leung Sing


Condition Red, sir, yes, jolly good idea. That’ll keep them on their toes!


‘Most people saw the installation but gave no immediate reaction, the artist said, which had been his expectation. Although most people knew about the missing booksellers, their responses have remained online only.’


Kidnapping is such an ugly word…couldn’t we just say the unlawful taking away or transportation of a person against that person’s will, usually to hold the person unlawfully?? – Xi Jinping

dead activist

Edgy but always classy, Hong Kong Free Press tells it like it is, complete with grisly corpse picture. ‘The family would have wanted it this way’ – Kris Cheng


“Er, yes, um…I believe all 5 missing booksellers entered the mainland to frequent ‘sex workers’…hmmm yes, sex workers, that ought to stick, Ng you genius, you.” – Ng Leung Sing (Provisional Legislative Council Member, HK)


Your days are numbered son.


“I’ve tried pottery, squash, reading, gardening, jogging, stamp collecting, Caribbean voodoo…everything under the sun to try and tear myself away from this porn star addiction. But what can I say, the hook’s sunk deep.” – CY Leung.


Ants, wasps, locusts…whatever…do what they say and everything’ll be just fine!

Hey Hong Kong…all your sheep are belong to us!

This post brought to you by the Hong Kong For Hong Kongers Anti Chinaman Committee of Hong Kong. Give a locust an inch and they’ll billy-club you in the face, put a bag over your head, shackle you at the wrists and ankles, shove you into the boot of an unmarked car and abduct you to an unknown location somewhere in China.






Posted in Hong Kong | 3 Comments

Lau Wing Sang’s Day Off


In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the… Anyone? Anyone?… the Great Depression, passed the… Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?… raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more…Anyone? Anyone?…revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work. Today we have a similar debate over Whats…Anyone? Anyone? Whatsapp…

School Principal, Lau Wing Sang, is very popular. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude. And while he can tend to be both stupendously and profoundly vague at times, his heart’s almost in the right place. He’s putting himself out there on record as a no nonsense principal ready to tackle the problems of the modern age with good old fashioned common sense and brute force confrontation. Lau shoots from the hip with machine guns in each hand like a couple of out of control garden hoses.


Mr. Lau Wing Sang… Ed… you’re a beautiful man. I want to thank you for your warmth and compassion. – Sloane Peterson, Form 5 CNECSS

Copying homework, words like fuck cunt cuntfucker fuckface fuckery skullfuck cunthole slutfucker, and the latest terrors: gossip and bullying – these are the school-based demons Lau says we must slay. Like all mad geniuses, Lau’s one step ahead of the game. According to Lau, homework copying, foul language, gossip and bullying are not linked to human nature at all, but are the work of a sinister modern day evil…the abhorrent phone application: Whatsapp…and more specifically…Whatsapp Groups

Here’s the report…


The details of Lau Wing Sang’s life are quite inconsequential…

10th December, 2015
by Koel Chu

A secondary school in Chai Wan has issued a notice warning parents about students using WhatsApp groups to ask friends out after school or during holidays. The notice stated that there are four problems created by the use of WhatsApp groups. These include copying homework and asking other students out after school or during holidays. Other problems suggested by the notice relate to indecent speech, gossiping and cyber-bullying.

The notice was issued by the Principal of CNEC Lau Wing Sang Secondary School to parents of Secondary One students at the school in late October. It states that some students were causing problems by setting up different WhatsApp groups, with members ranging from a few to over 20. These problems were “worrying” and “must be confronted,” the letter reads.

“Some students who made the mistakes were appropriately punished. Discipline teachers, counsellors and social workers were also involved to help the students change their bad habits and get back on the right path,” the notice said.

James Lam Yat-fung, the Subsidised Secondary Schools Council chairman, told Apple Daily that technology has its advantages and disadvantages.“If you utilise it well, you will receive a lot of positive information and learning opportunities but if you use it improperly, it will be devastating,” he said.

CNEC Lau Wing Sang Secondary School’s principal said that “something bad” happened when Secondary One students went out together, and the school wanted to prevent that by reminding parents to keep an eye on their children, Apple Daily reported.

On Tuesday, a Secondary Two student from the school attempted to jump off a building when the teacher requested to see her parents. The suicide attempt was prevented by a teacher and the student was sent to the hospital afterwards.


Wtf did I just read???

They don’t get much more articulate than Principal Lau. ‘Something bad happened’ when ‘students went out together’. With a handful of choice words, Lau speaks volumes. He wields words like mother nature wields hurricanes and Lau doesn’t mince words either. Friendship is to be spurned, especially after school or during school holidays. Such bad habits are worrying and must be confronted. Parents, he says, have been issued a warning against committing the sin of allowing their child to engage in activities in their own free time with anywhere between ‘a few’ and ‘over 20’ members. Lau just won’t stand for it.
In a follow-up interview, when questioned whether the absence of Whatsapp would eliminate homework copying, Lau chortled mysteriously and remarked that we must ‘try our best’. When asked what he meant  by that, Lau grinned and encouraged us to ‘add oil’. Questioned whether gossip and bullying were inherent and well-documented aspects of the human condition, which would exist with or without Whatsapp in one form or another, Lau yelled FIRE! and ran out of the room.
I guess what we can take from Principal Lau’s steel-trap mind and wealth of knowledge and experience, is that Whatsapp and Whatsapp groups are modern day evils leading children astray and need to be destroyed. Stop Whatsapp…and we stop the problem. It’s hard to argue with Lau.
Apart from that, Principal Lau says that all is well with CNEC Secondary School…well there was that minor incident involving the attempted suicide of a form 2 student who tried to leap from a school building to her grisly death because her teacher requested to see her parents.
‘Oh the suicide thing?! That sort of shit happens every day, Lau laughed. ‘Hahaha we sent her to the mental hospital already. Maybe she can drink more water and take a good rest.’

Whatsapp made me do it


Regurgitation, memorizing dates, recalling facts, following orders, rote learning and pushing 13 year olds to the point of severe, lethal mental exhaustion are key foundations for the proper adjustment of tomorrow’s responsible adult. – Principal Lau Wing Sang


Disclaimer: The attitudes, values and beliefs of Principal Lau Wing Sang are not to be confused with those of Ferris Bueller, the deluded free thinking anarchist, who said that life moves pretty fast…if you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it. Nobody ever got a sweet, sweet customer service job in Hong Kong with that slack approach.


Posted in Hong Kong | 7 Comments

Laughing at Old People







That old woman’s crazier than my daughter LOL!


Posted in Hong Kong | 47 Comments

Weekend at Bernie’s

He's the life of the party...well almost.

He’s the life of the party…well almost.

In a scene right out of classic comedy Weekend at Bernie’s, a homeless woman lay dead at a Hong Kong McDonald’s restaurant for hours surrounded by diners and staff who failed to notice anything awry. CCTV footage showed the woman had entered the restaurant the previous day at 8:39am. It wasn’t until 8:30am the following morning that a McDonald’s employee called police after finding the woman ‘unconscious and cold’. Unconscious & cold of course meaning dead as a door nail.

Customers go about their meals on Sunday even as the area where the woman died is cordoned off with a black sheet.

Customers go about their meals on Sunday even as the area where the woman died is cordoned off with black plastic.

Say what you will about the callous and morally bereft nature of Hong Kong society…the coldness, the lack of empathy, the selfishness, the obliviousness, the disregard, the shallowness, the base ‘me first’ attitude, Antisocial Personality Disorder Syndrome, the ability to fake genuine human emotion, the obsession with personal gain and material possession, Social Blindspot Disarrangement Dysfunction…say what you like about that…but I won’t hear a word against Hong Kong McDonald’s or Wendy Lam, senior director of McDonald’s Hong Kong:

“McDonald’s Hong Kong would like to express our grief over the unfortunate incident at our Ping Shek Estate restaurant. We welcome everyone to visit our restaurants any time. In order to provide a pleasant dining environment, we would not disturb our customers, but our service will be offered promptly upon request.”

Read it an weep naysayers! From the horses mouth, Hong Kong McDonald’s categorically states its grief over the potential damage to its ‘fortunes’ with this unseemly incident. You think McDonald’s Hong Kong doesn’t care? Wendy Lam, with her finger well and truly on the pulse, assures customers still living that their dining pleasure won’t be diminished and that they won’t be disturbed even if they are dead. She then reminds customers of the ‘prompt service’ they can enjoy. How’s that for compassion and heart? This kind of commitment to business, promotion and profit, even in the face of corpses piling up in your restaurant, is really touching and sums up Hong Kong’s spirit of capitalist adventure in the face of bad luck and adversity. Take a bow while the world is watching HK McDonald’s.

The dead woman is wheeled out of McDonald's who stressed to point out that the dead customer had not ordered anything from the menu.

Takin’ out the trash. McDonald’s stressed that the dead customer had not ordered anything from the menu. ‘Our food is totally safe. She just drank water.’

Senior Director of Hong Kong McDonald's, Wendy Lam relates how she 'sees dead people'...but let's them finish their cheeseburgers.

Senior Director of Hong Kong McDonald’s, Wendy Lam relates how she ‘sees dead people’…but let’s them finish their cheeseburgers.

Rigamortis set in about 13 hours ago

Rigamortis…I’m lovin’ it!

Dropping like flies

A ‘not so happy meal’. One minute you’re chewin’ on a burger, the next minute you’re dead meat!

New promotion: If you find you've been sitting next to a dead person next order 2 for 1!

New promotion: If you find you’ve been sitting next to a dead guy next order 2 for 1!

To fulfill this site’s unbiased and fair reportage policy let’s take a look at what some random people have to say about the ‘incident’:

  • The indifference of HK society on full display – Johnny. C
  • What a sad indictment of HK society – Penelope. W
  • So HK has outsourced its social welfare system to a hamburger vendor that can provide overnight shelter and toilet/ washing facilities. – Anon
  • Journalistically, are the last two sentences of the article, promoting McDonald’s, really necessary? It’s quite inappropriate in an article about a woman dying in a McDonald’s for the companies managers to be promoting it’s all night business. – Alan. P
  • And still no service…a whole new meaning to ‘I’ll be dead before the food is served.’ – H.C
  • Is anyone really surprised? It’s a disgusting culture with the way they treat people, babies and animals. – Cindy. C
  • They had a special on double cheeseburgers after they wheeled her out the back door – A.C. 
  • “Can I take that for you, or are you still working on it?” – Anon
Why don't we just pretend he didn't die? Just for a bit?!

Why don’t we just pretend he didn’t die? Just for a bit?! Worked for hundreds of customers and staff in HK McDonald’s!

McWeddings have long been a tradition in Hong Kong. Stay tuned for cheap funerals coming to a store near you

McWeddings have long been a tradition in Hong Kong. Stay tuned for cheap funerals coming to a store near you

This post brought to you by all the Bernie's of the world. Life goes on...all around you.

This post brought to you by Bernie…and…




…dead… restaurants.

…in restaurants.

Posted in Hong Kong | 169 Comments