You can have my fishballs when you pry them from my cold dead hands

It’s the year of the Monkey! And it’s off to a playful start. Street food hawkers try to cash in on Chinese New Year festivities, the man tries to shut them down, the crowd goes ape!

Read about it here. Eyewitness account here.

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Officer fires live rounds into the night sky…MOVE AWAY FROM THE AREA THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE!

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Freeze dirtbag!

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Dead or alive you’re coming with me

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Don’t cry because it’s over…smile because it happened

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Never bring a truncheon to a rubbish bin fight

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Police calmly reason with wild lunatics

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Fishballs roasting on an open fire…police force nipping at your nose…

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Where do I put the empties officer?

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Right in the fishballs!

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A cuntstable with situation under control

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Citizen incinerates himself in protest over fishball ban

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Permit? We don’t need no stinking permits.

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Fishball damaged taxi

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Dog liberated from street vendor

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Unhygienic? What’s that supposed to mean?? Vendors set up in alley.

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Hooligans push over dustbins in Shaftesbury

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Traditional Chinese New Year celebrations

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Loafing on the job

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5 missing booksellers? An unelected government? Astronomical housing costs? Lead laced pipes in public housing estates? Mainland tension? Fuck all that…let’s go after the little man…the easy target…the fishball hawker and the street meat vendor. CRUSH THE LOSERS!

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Let them eat fishballs

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…from my cold dead hands!

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Fishball revolutionist

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Please put down the fishballs. You have 20 seconds to comply. You are in direct violation of Penal Code 1.13, section 9. You have 5 seconds to comply. 4…3…2…1…I am now authorized to use physical force!

 

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I think I’m sophisticated, ‘cos I’m living my life like a good Homosapien. But all around me everybody’s multiplying ’til they’re walking round like flies man. So I’m no better than the animals sitting in their cages in the zoo man. ‘Cos compared to the flowers and the birds and the trees. I am an ape man

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Man down! Bins, bricks, fishballs and pallets rain down on the fuzz

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Brave rioter (left hand side) prepares to bludgeon defenceless unconscious police officer with length of timber. See above image for unconscious officer.

Awesome footage:

And that’s that.

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It’s gonna be a great year :)

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What’s it all for? What’s the point of it all? And if it hasn’t got a point, what’s the point of that??

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You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Posted in Hong Kong | 7 Comments

My Mum Says I’m Cool!

Somebody cue the Benny Hill music…please…because Hong Kong, you’re a worldwide joke

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I just don’t know what to say

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Still don’t know what to say

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Heehaw!

It’s not like these conditions came out of nowhere, surprising even the most experienced of meteorologists and weathermen. The cold snap was all over the papers, internet and forecasts for days, even weeks before these dipshits decided it might be a great idea to flock to Tai Mo Shan like subnormals, park their cars in huge road blocking jams and go see some frost.

It’s totally fine if you want to get out there in nature and go and see some cold weather…good for you…but to be so ill-prepared and so painfully and obviously inept and helpless that you flood emergency hotlines the second things get ‘too big on you’ shows you, quite simply, to be dimwitted fucks. Head to toe in North Face K2 all terrain mountain gear…but you suck harder than my girlfriend’s pet octopus.

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My HK girlfriend and her pet octopus…they both absolutely suck

Stick to what you do best…spitting chicken bones onto dinner tables in disgusting filthy piles, making a spectacle of yourself by yelling in public like a professional moron and taking pictures of ridiculous mascots in devastatingly soulless, crowded shopping malls and streets. Attempts at spontaneity don’t suit you, you malfunctioning drones.

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‘According to SCMP reports, over 100 ‘frost tourists‘ went for a hike on the mountain leaving their cars so badly parked on the access road that emergency services had to walk 3 clicks to reach them when they called for help after realising they couldn’t walk across icy ground.’ – HK Sucks reader.

Anyway, I’m off to work, where you can bet your left and right ball my HK ‘workmates’ will have every conceivable window and door open as wide as possible in a ridiculously ill-informed ploy to combat the GERM induced death nightmare that haunts their tiny superstitious minds when 2 or more people are forced to share a room that lacks gale-force, frigid, open air ventilation. Closed doors and closed windows mean GERMS WILL KILL YOU IN SECONDS, don’t you know?! Everyone in Hong Kong knows that. And the colder it gets, the more doors and windows you need open. Fuck. Remember SARS? That’s how SARS killed in 2003…too many closed doors. Too many closed windows. Too many GERMS. Better to shiver and freeze to death than die of GERMS. Get practical Hong Kong! Open the windows…open the doors…stop GERMS and die another day!

Well, I’m rambling now. I’ll get my coat, and leave Albert Cheng, of the South China Morning Post, to tell you more…

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Key words: ’embarrassingly poor’, ‘irresponsible frost chasers’, ‘foolish decision’

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Key words: ’embarrassing scene’, ‘rescuers were seen slipping’

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Key words: ‘Eddie Ng’, ‘worst call’, ‘knee-jerk decision’, ‘children wasted a day of normal schooling’, ‘opportunity to endure some physical hardship’, ‘contagious diseases’, ‘Hong Kong kids are mostly spoiled and overprotected’, ‘physical challenge’, ‘life lesson in perseverance’

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Key words: ‘The public mood was festive, and none of the response units was ready for action’

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Key words: ‘Dickson’

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Key words: ‘curious visitors’, ‘view frost’, ‘traffic jam’, ‘took along their children on a family outing

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Let’s get over-excited and go see some frost

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My big stupid day out…seconds later I was on the phone to emergency services because mother nature hates me

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Oh…look…frost!

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Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh, Har?

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Benny Hill approves

Posted in Hong Kong | 21 Comments

Invasion of the Chinese Body Snatchers

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I’m thinking about going into the politically subversive book business. Rents are dropping, I hear. And with all these local booksellers mysteriously vanishing without a trace, there’s a handy little niche in the market. Who’s in?

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There’ll be something for everyone at Dudley’s Book Exchange!

Some of the choice titles to look out for:

Five’s Company Six is an Orgy: My life as a pimp – by Xi Jinping
How to Spot a Dissident: And what to do when you don’t ‘love thy neighbour’ – by CY Leung
Dr StrangeXi or: How to Stop Worrying and Love the Police State – by Tommy Chong
Getting Away From it all…Forever: a hiker’s guide to Hong Kong – Associated Press
Prostrate Yourself and Get Healthy Stupid!: the art of the Kowtow – by Raymond Tam
Sex, Lies & Booksellers: a juicy expose’ – by Ng Leung Sing

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Condition Red, sir, yes, jolly good idea. That’ll keep them on their toes!

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‘Most people saw the installation but gave no immediate reaction, the artist said, which had been his expectation. Although most people knew about the missing booksellers, their responses have remained online only.’

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Kidnapping is such an ugly word…couldn’t we just say the unlawful taking away or transportation of a person against that person’s will, usually to hold the person unlawfully?? – Xi Jinping

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Edgy but always classy, Hong Kong Free Press tells it like it is, complete with grisly corpse picture. ‘The family would have wanted it this way’ – Kris Cheng

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“Er, yes, um…I believe all 5 missing booksellers entered the mainland to frequent ‘sex workers’…hmmm yes, sex workers, that ought to stick, Ng you genius, you.” – Ng Leung Sing (Provisional Legislative Council Member, HK)

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Your days are numbered son.

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“I’ve tried pottery, squash, reading, gardening, jogging, stamp collecting, Caribbean voodoo…everything under the sun to try and tear myself away from this porn star addiction. But what can I say, the hook’s sunk deep.” – CY Leung.

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Ants, wasps, locusts…whatever…do what they say and everything’ll be just fine!

Hey Hong Kong…all your sheep are belong to us!

This post brought to you by the Hong Kong For Hong Kongers Anti Chinaman Committee of Hong Kong. Give a locust an inch and they’ll billy-club you in the face, put a bag over your head, shackle you at the wrists and ankles, shove you into the boot of an unmarked car and abduct you to an unknown location somewhere in China.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Hong Kong | 3 Comments

Lau Wing Sang’s Day Off

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In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the… Anyone? Anyone?… the Great Depression, passed the… Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?… raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more…Anyone? Anyone?…revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work. Today we have a similar debate over Whats…Anyone? Anyone? Whatsapp…

School Principal, Lau Wing Sang, is very popular. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude. And while he can tend to be both stupendously and profoundly vague at times, his heart’s almost in the right place. He’s putting himself out there on record as a no nonsense principal ready to tackle the problems of the modern age with good old fashioned common sense and brute force confrontation. Lau shoots from the hip with machine guns in each hand like a couple of out of control garden hoses.

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Mr. Lau Wing Sang… Ed… you’re a beautiful man. I want to thank you for your warmth and compassion. – Sloane Peterson, Form 5 CNECSS

Copying homework, words like fuck cunt cuntfucker fuckface fuckery skullfuck cunthole slutfucker, and the latest terrors: gossip and bullying – these are the school-based demons Lau says we must slay. Like all mad geniuses, Lau’s one step ahead of the game. According to Lau, homework copying, foul language, gossip and bullying are not linked to human nature at all, but are the work of a sinister modern day evil…the abhorrent phone application: Whatsapp…and more specifically…Whatsapp Groups

Here’s the report…

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The details of Lau Wing Sang’s life are quite inconsequential…

SCHOOL WARNS PARENTS ABOUT STUDENTS’ USE OF WHATSAPP GROUPS
10th December, 2015
by Koel Chu

A secondary school in Chai Wan has issued a notice warning parents about students using WhatsApp groups to ask friends out after school or during holidays. The notice stated that there are four problems created by the use of WhatsApp groups. These include copying homework and asking other students out after school or during holidays. Other problems suggested by the notice relate to indecent speech, gossiping and cyber-bullying.

The notice was issued by the Principal of CNEC Lau Wing Sang Secondary School to parents of Secondary One students at the school in late October. It states that some students were causing problems by setting up different WhatsApp groups, with members ranging from a few to over 20. These problems were “worrying” and “must be confronted,” the letter reads.

“Some students who made the mistakes were appropriately punished. Discipline teachers, counsellors and social workers were also involved to help the students change their bad habits and get back on the right path,” the notice said.

James Lam Yat-fung, the Subsidised Secondary Schools Council chairman, told Apple Daily that technology has its advantages and disadvantages.“If you utilise it well, you will receive a lot of positive information and learning opportunities but if you use it improperly, it will be devastating,” he said.
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CNEC Lau Wing Sang Secondary School’s principal said that “something bad” happened when Secondary One students went out together, and the school wanted to prevent that by reminding parents to keep an eye on their children, Apple Daily reported.

On Tuesday, a Secondary Two student from the school attempted to jump off a building when the teacher requested to see her parents. The suicide attempt was prevented by a teacher and the student was sent to the hospital afterwards.

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Wtf did I just read???

They don’t get much more articulate than Principal Lau. ‘Something bad happened’ when ‘students went out together’. With a handful of choice words, Lau speaks volumes. He wields words like mother nature wields hurricanes and Lau doesn’t mince words either. Friendship is to be spurned, especially after school or during school holidays. Such bad habits are worrying and must be confronted. Parents, he says, have been issued a warning against committing the sin of allowing their child to engage in activities in their own free time with anywhere between ‘a few’ and ‘over 20’ members. Lau just won’t stand for it.
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In a follow-up interview, when questioned whether the absence of Whatsapp would eliminate homework copying, Lau chortled mysteriously and remarked that we must ‘try our best’. When asked what he meant  by that, Lau grinned and encouraged us to ‘add oil’. Questioned whether gossip and bullying were inherent and well-documented aspects of the human condition, which would exist with or without Whatsapp in one form or another, Lau yelled FIRE! and ran out of the room.
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I guess what we can take from Principal Lau’s steel-trap mind and wealth of knowledge and experience, is that Whatsapp and Whatsapp groups are modern day evils leading children astray and need to be destroyed. Stop Whatsapp…and we stop the problem.
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Apart from that, Principal Lau says that all is well with CNEC Secondary School…well there was that minor incident involving the attempted suicide of a form 2 student who tried to leap from a school building to her grisly death because her teacher requested to see her parents.
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‘Oh the suicide thing?! That sort of shit happens every day, Lau laughed. ‘Hahaha we sent her to the mental hospital already. Maybe she can drink more water and take a good rest.’
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Whatsapp made me do it

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Regurgitation, memorizing dates, recalling facts, following orders, rote learning and pushing 13 year olds to the point of severe, lethal mental exhaustion are key foundations for the proper adjustment of tomorrow’s responsible adult. – Principal Lau Wing Sang

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Disclaimer: The attitudes, values and beliefs of Principal Lau Wing Sang are not to be confused with those of Ferris Bueller, the deluded free thinking anarchist, who said that life moves pretty fast…if you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it. Nobody ever got a sweet, sweet customer service job in Hong Kong with that slack approach.

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Posted in Hong Kong | 6 Comments

Laughing at Old People

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That old woman’s crazier than my daughter LOL!

 

Posted in Hong Kong | 46 Comments

Weekend at Bernie’s

He's the life of the party...well almost.

He’s the life of the party…well almost.

In a scene right out of classic comedy Weekend at Bernie’s, a homeless woman lay dead at a Hong Kong McDonald’s restaurant for hours surrounded by diners and staff who failed to notice anything awry. CCTV footage showed the woman had entered the restaurant the previous day at 8:39am. It wasn’t until 8:30am the following morning that a McDonald’s employee called police after finding the woman ‘unconscious and cold’. Unconscious & cold of course meaning dead as a door nail.

Customers go about their meals on Sunday even as the area where the woman died is cordoned off with a black sheet.

Customers go about their meals on Sunday even as the area where the woman died is cordoned off with black plastic.

Say what you will about the callous and morally bereft nature of Hong Kong society…the coldness, the lack of empathy, the selfishness, the obliviousness, the disregard, the shallowness, the base ‘me first’ attitude, Antisocial Personality Disorder Syndrome, the ability to fake genuine human emotion, the obsession with personal gain and material possession, Social Blindspot Disarrangement Dysfunction…say what you like about that…but I won’t hear a word against Hong Kong McDonald’s or Wendy Lam, senior director of McDonald’s Hong Kong:

“McDonald’s Hong Kong would like to express our grief over the unfortunate incident at our Ping Shek Estate restaurant. We welcome everyone to visit our restaurants any time. In order to provide a pleasant dining environment, we would not disturb our customers, but our service will be offered promptly upon request.”

Read it an weep naysayers! From the horses mouth, Hong Kong McDonald’s categorically states its grief over the potential damage to its ‘fortunes’ with this unseemly incident. You think McDonald’s Hong Kong doesn’t care? Wendy Lam, with her finger well and truly on the pulse, assures customers still living that their dining pleasure won’t be diminished and that they won’t be disturbed even if they are dead. She then reminds customers of the ‘prompt service’ they can enjoy. How’s that for compassion and heart? This kind of commitment to business, promotion and profit, even in the face of corpses piling up in your restaurant, is really touching and sums up Hong Kong’s spirit of capitalist adventure in the face of bad luck and adversity. Take a bow while the world is watching HK McDonald’s.

The dead woman is wheeled out of McDonald's who stressed to point out that the dead customer had not ordered anything from the menu.

Takin’ out the trash. McDonald’s stressed that the dead customer had not ordered anything from the menu. ‘Our food is totally safe. She just drank water.’

Senior Director of Hong Kong McDonald's, Wendy Lam relates how she 'sees dead people'...but let's them finish their cheeseburgers.

Senior Director of Hong Kong McDonald’s, Wendy Lam relates how she ‘sees dead people’…but let’s them finish their cheeseburgers.

Rigamortis set in about 13 hours ago

Rigamortis…I’m lovin’ it!

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A ‘not so happy meal’. One minute you’re chewin’ on a burger, the next minute you’re dead meat!

New promotion: If you find you've been sitting next to a dead person next order 2 for 1!

New promotion: If you find you’ve been sitting next to a dead guy next order 2 for 1!

To fulfill this site’s unbiased and fair reportage policy let’s take a look at what some random people have to say about the ‘incident’:

  • The indifference of HK society on full display – Johnny. C
  • What a sad indictment of HK society – Penelope. W
  • So HK has outsourced its social welfare system to a hamburger vendor that can provide overnight shelter and toilet/ washing facilities. – Anon
  • Journalistically, are the last two sentences of the article, promoting McDonald’s, really necessary? It’s quite inappropriate in an article about a woman dying in a McDonald’s for the companies managers to be promoting it’s all night business. – Alan. P
  • And still no service…a whole new meaning to ‘I’ll be dead before the food is served.’ – H.C
  • Is anyone really surprised? It’s a disgusting culture with the way they treat people, babies and animals. – Cindy. C
  • They had a special on double cheeseburgers after they wheeled her out the back door – A.C. 
  • “Can I take that for you, or are you still working on it?” – Anon
Why don't we just pretend he didn't die? Just for a bit?!

Why don’t we just pretend he didn’t die? Just for a bit?! Worked for hundreds of customers and staff in HK McDonald’s!

McWeddings have long been a tradition in Hong Kong. Stay tuned for cheap funerals coming to a store near you

McWeddings have long been a tradition in Hong Kong. Stay tuned for cheap funerals coming to a store near you

This post brought to you by all the Bernie's of the world. Life goes on...all around you.

This post brought to you by Bernie…and…

...dropping...

…dropping…

...dead...

…dead…

...in restaurants.

…in restaurants.

Posted in Hong Kong | 169 Comments

Last Thoughts On Hong Kong

That's ok for Rome...but what about Hong Kong?

That’s ok for Rome…but what’s one to do in Hong Kong?

When in Rome do as the Romans do. That’s what they say. It’s an invitation to be polite and to abide by the customs of the local culture. Does it apply to Hong Kong? Do I, as a visiting expat, do as Hongkongers do? Do I behave like them? Do I conform to the prevailing opinion of larger society? Do I respect local practices? Is it possible I’ve picked up the attitudes, values or beliefs of locals just by living here over the last few years? God, I fucking hope not. I’d rather be trapped up to my nose in some Roman septic tank shit facility than synchronize my watch to the deplorable practices of these shallow, selfish assholes.

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My trip to Rome…wish you were here :)

Yeah, I’ll eat a dim sum. I’ll snarl the meat off a chicken wing to ‘fit in’ if I have to. But I won’t spit saliva covered bones onto the tablecloth in full view of other guests when I’m at a wedding. And I won’t lose my fucking mind at the mere mention of chicken wings either. The locals do. They suck chicken wings like lollipops. They dance around like Santa is coming if you mention chicken wings.

A comprehensive list might break the internet so here’s a very short list of some of the things I won’t do…when in Rome…

– I don’t care how drunk I am…I still refuse to burp and fart audibly at work. It’s just not right.

– I won’t take pictures of food or pose for photos where I’m shoveling food into my mouth. The locals love this. If you’re going to take pictures of food, honour the cycle…get some shots of giant coilers floating in your toilet bowl too.

Say cheese...cake...

Say cheese…cake…

– There’s too many self-proclaimed ‘foodies’ in Hong Kong. A self-proclaimed ‘foodie’ is on par with someone who takes scatmunching ‘selfies’. A moron. And there’s a lot of them in Hong Kong. Hongkongers never, ever stop talking about food. Yeah, food. I get it. Shut the fuck up.

– I’ll never assemble my friends together and take photos where we all simultaneously jump into the air with huge shit-eating grins so it looks like we’re floating above the surface of the earth, high on life. You’d think this practice would be limited to 14yo girls in Hong Kong. But it’s not. Everyone does it.

Hurray! Hurray for us and hurray for our tour holiday to Beijing!

Hurray! Hurray for us and hurray for our tour holiday to Beijing!

– I won’t travel overseas as part of a Hong Kong tour group, listening to some tour guide chew my ear off with a microphone and loudspeaker every waking second of the trip. I did that once and nearly committed suicide.

– I won’t invite someone to a workmate’s wedding 2 weeks into their working contract in Hong Kong…and then hold my hand out for an $800 ‘wedding gift’. I thought you were inviting me as a kind gesture…a measure of your goodwill and generosity. Having only just touched down in Hong Kong, and not knowing the bride or groom from a hole in the wall, I kind of thought you were letting me tag along as some kind of cultural experience for the new guy…you know…to show me how humble, down to earth and friendly you all are in Hong Kong. You really slapped that innocent assumption off my face with the entrance fee you artless fuck.

–  I won’t explain cheerily to my workmate that I am going on a trip to Korea over Christmas and am flying Air India because the flight is cheap…and then say, with complete sincerity…I hope the plane doesn’t stink.

What is that stench??

What’s that stench??

– I won’t suppress anger, critical thought, empathy or my own opinions because I’m terrified of losing face or being ridiculed for stepping outside of the group think bubble.

I agree. Me too. Me too. Me too. Me too. Me too. Me too...but just to be sure we better discuss it for another 10 hours. Agreed.

I agree. Me too. Me too. Me too. Me too. Me too. Me too. Me too…but just to be sure we better discuss it for another 10 hours. Agreed. I agree too. Me too. Me too. Me too. Me too….

– I won’t blindly worship the value of education or allow the future of life itself to hinge on the ability of conman celebrity tutors to get a high school kid a slightly better paying customer service job than the next kid.

The conmen

The conmen. The shot of Samuel Chan (3rd from the right) makes me want to smash his teeth in. You know the other thing about ‘Samuel Chan’? I bet if you tried to call him ‘Sam’ his brain would freeze and he’d point blank tell you ‘no…no…my name is Samuel’. Ok Sammy, you colossal fuck knuckle.

– I won’t buy a slave and arrive at work every day of my life with a ‘lunchbox’ prepared by said slave then sit down and eat it like a pampered 2 year old. I won’t have the gall to refer to my slave as a ‘helper’. I won’t  torture my slave. I won’t produce TV ads where locals dress in ‘blackface’ to portray   clumsy Filipina ‘maids’.

Aw me so clumsy!

Aw me so crumsy!

I dunno, I could go on and on and on. You can read a massive laundry list of all this kind of shit here. About the only thing I will do ‘when in Hong Kong’ is walk in a straight line without budging or moving out of the way of others. Now there’s a Hong Kong custom I’ve really come to embrace. That’s how they do it here…and I’m happy to oblige. Not going to move? You oblivious ignorant fuck! Me either then. Collision course is a go…only difference is I’m ready for it. ;)

Posted in Hong Kong | 485 Comments