The Perfect Storm – Part II: MTR Murder

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I’m on the verge of tears by the time I reach the platform. I’m trying to listen to the new Cantopop Hits of the 80’s & 90’s CD, but every Wong, Ip and Lee is buzzing in my ear…yelling into phones, bellowing at each other or munching sausage bread like a jackal with a mouth full of sap.

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Dudley Dawson shows off his latest acquisition…The Very Best of Cantopop Volume 1. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound and a new sheen of consummate pedestrianism that really gives the songs a big boost.

I make my way to the very end of the platform because there’s fewer people there. In Hong Kong, people are so damn lazy they’d rather pile into the mid section of the train with a whole smorgasbord of dipshittery, than walk another 30 seconds for a more comfortable ride.

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Dudley Dawson attempts to drown out the sound of a hundred boorish phone calls.

When I get to the end of the platform, I put on my dark protective sunglasses. There’s a moment of sheer panic when the train arrives and I realize the last car is jam packed. I hit the volume controls, turn up the Cantopop and hope for the best. The doors open and half the people empty out. Relief washes over me in an awesome wave. There’s even seats available, so I take one.

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…what the…

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…fuck…??

Out of the corner of my eye I see two middle aged, dreary looking women approaching from the left. They’ve seen the empty seat next to me and both make a play for it, but a drearier, older woman swoops from the right and beats them both. She thuds down, plastic bags full of cabbage and radish swinging from each arm. She’s on the phone trying to explain something to someone. She’s loud. She’s frantic. Where the fuck did she get all that cabbage and radish at this time of morning?

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I like to take out a pencil and a notepad in situations like this, lean forward, nod along to the loud, rude, annoying conversation I’m being assaulted with and jot down notes. Should we be getting all this down, dude?  And he looks at me like I’m the bad guy!

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Yell, yell, yell, scream, scream, scream. I’m a thoughtless lax slob who refuses social responsibility because that kind of self discipline’s just too hard. It’s much easier to do what everyone else does and just do what I want, yell when I want, scream when I want…and them blame you if you’ve got a problem with it.

Mercifully, the cabbage & radish woman ends her phone conversation pretty quickly and I ease back the volume on my Cantopop compilation. I do keep half an eye on her though, because I know what’s coming. Sure enough, there it is. She can’t sit still…she whips the phone out and I watch her dim sum fingers dial 6 numbers in a row, desperately trying to get someone on the phone…anyone. But she can’t do it. Nobodies answering. I focus on the book in my hand and start to read.

…tap…tap…tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap…

What in fuck is that tapping noise? I look to my right and the old woman’s tapping the living shit out of an ipad. She’s playing Candy Crush or something. I can’t not hear it. I can’t not see it out the corner of my eye. Opposite me there’s a plain looking woman doing her makeup. It’s mildly disgusting watching her smear paste around her gaping eyeballs while she contorts her sallow face in a small pocket mirror. I get a good look up her nostrils. Fuck. I look away. The guy on my left is playing Candy Crush. He looks totally focused, completely engrossed and highly challenged. The man next to him is holding two phones. He’s looking into one and yelling into the other. Opposite him, there’s a thick-set woman unconscious…mouth wide open, head titled back like a sideshow clown ready for a ping pong ball. The man next to her keeps screeching “wai” into his phone over and over again. He’s horrific.

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“Why you look at me? Not your business! Mind your business while I’m add my makeup on…

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…is none of your business…*scowl scowl scowl*…

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…you fuck…you stupid…your problem…mind your business you stupid fucker fuck you go to hell….”

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Winnie Chan attempts to make herself less ordinary…in her bathroom…

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Hong Kong fast pace OK…Hong Konger must use the time OK…not your business OK

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Pull a hat down over your face or something, fucking hell.

I need space. I give up my seat and head to the standing area at the very end of the train. There’s a woman in the corner trimming her nails and dropping the clippings at her feet. I manage to make eye-contact. There’s no sign of embarrassment though…she couldn’t look more indifferent if she tried. Very Hong Kong. In the other corner there’s a man on his phone…monumental in volume. He’s slapping a rolled up newspaper on the wall to emphasize whatever it is he’s screaming about. My ears! The Cantopop does nothing!

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These are the toe and finger nails I collected in a single morning commute last week. I’ll be presenting them to Carrie Lam at a luncheon this Thursday.

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Make yourself at home, man.

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…what the…ffffuck…???

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Wont that’ll be a nice surprise for the janitor 😉

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Morning constitutional

I look down at my feet…someone’s spilled a drink. Oh wait a minute is that…it is. A mainland women’s helping her mewling cabbage urinate into an empty bottle of Watson’s water. There’s too much urine and not enough bottle. It’s textbook play from the mainlander though. She thinks that’s what you do. The girl next to me is slobbering all over a piece of bread still in its plastic bag. Saliva strands trail from her mouth to the plastic. I can hear her chewing. She’s watching something inane on her phone with the sound turned up.

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Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? What’s that? You’re on the phone? Sounds like you’re talking to me. Are you talking to me? I can hear you three carriages down. Who the fuck are you talking to?

I slowly take the lighter fluid from my pocket. I know what I have to do. Listen you fuckers, you screwheads. Here’s a man who will not take it anymore. A man who’ll stand up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. The idea has been growing in my brain for some time. It’s time to wash away the garbage and trash…

…there’s a flash, then screams a couple of carriages down. I smell smoke…burning. Somebody down there has passed the point of no return. I can just make out a figure. He’s on fire. They’re all on fire. It’s pandemonium. I slip the lighter fluid back into my pocket and take out my phone…

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It’s like watching a train smash or something

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Say cheese!

This post brought to you by…

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The MTR Corporation Logic and Fair Practice Division…

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…Apple’s new Peeping Sanjay app…

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…hand luggage…

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…breakfast menus at 11:03…

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…Rowdy Roddy Piper…

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…Central, Hong Kong…

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…the yellow jacket…

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…check-in luggage…

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…having a great time with friends…

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…in picturesque settings…

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…the kooky umbrella movement…

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…the Dudley Dawson Division of Logic and Fair Play…look dicknose…if you want to make a complete spectacle of yourself in public…prepare to be laughed at, stared at, photographed and videotaped…

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…and making reservations at Cafe de Coral.

Later dudes!

 

 

Posted in Hong Kong | 1 Comment

The Perfect Storm

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The S.S. Dawson takes on Victoria Harbour

The Perfect Storm – Part 1: Morning Madness

The Perfect Storm: an especially bad day where conditions dish up nothing but snake eyes

I’ve never experienced the perfect storm in Hong Kong…but if I did, I imagine it would follow this factually based hypothetical timeline…

MONDAY 25th
6:00am – I wake up to the sound of urine. The steady, unmistakable sound of someone else’s morning piss plunges deep and sure into my brain. The walls are thin, the urine is strong. I swoon a little, imagining some old woman hosing out her steaming yellow labia liquid in the unit above me. I hope I don’t have to listen to her trying to push the kids into the deep end…oh…too late. I vomit in my mouth a little…it’s going to be one of those days…

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Aunty Urine’s special labia liquid

6:15am – I try to make my way to the shower before the door slamming starts. But I don’t make it. BANG! SLAM! SCREECH! BANG! KA FUCKING SLAM! There’s 8 units on my floor and the savages living in them need to leave early for school or their customer service jobs on the other side of Hong Kong. They slam their doors with a kind of cruelty and hateful spite which truly boggles the mind. I feel like I’m being violated somehow.

6:20am – I’m sitting down, trying to read a few pages of a book before I have to leave for work. But Aunty Urine’s up there chopping a bagful of radish. CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP. She sure does have a lot of radish. She’s swinging from the shoulder too. CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! From the unit above and to the right of me, another woman…a mother, starts screaming at her young children. She’s firing off a withering barrage of instruction and scolding. She’s snapping and biting off anywhere between 300 to 500 Cantonese words a minute I’d reckon. She has, easily, one of the most grating and irritating voices I’ve ever heard. And right here, in my home, my castle…that bitch is crystal clear.

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Damn radishes

6:22am – Someone on my floor comes by my door to take rubbish to the bin in the stairwell. Their trash clunks into the big plastic bin then I hear them shuffling back down to their unit…seconds later the heavy, fireproof stairwell door crashes closed with a gigantic thud. That’s followed by my neighbour slamming her own door as loud as she can in typical Hong Kong fashion. Meanwhile – Aunty Urine’s still dealing with the radish; CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOPPITY CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP! CHOP! CHOP; someone’s started tapping something for some reason somewhere in the unit next to me and I can hear a TV blaring…that’d be my other neighbours – the ones who enjoy leaving their door open and their TV on, loud, at 6 in the morning.

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Home is where the hate is

6:24am – The man in the unit above and to the left of me starts his daily hammering activities. Not sure what kind of project he’s working on, but he should be finished soon because he’s been at it for a solid year now. Moments later, car horns start going off somewhere down on the street. And I mean going off. I don’t even live in a built up area. What the fuck is going on down there? I keep reading the same line in my book over and over again, not knowing what it says. I have to get the fuck out of here.

6:30am – I’m on my floor waiting for the lift, praying none of my neighbors come out. Because if they do, I know they’ll be bellowing at one another and their breath will stink. Just before the lift arrives I hear commotion from round the corner. Keys are rustling, voices are yelling and doors are slamming in typical Hong Kong fashion. I mash the CLOSE button feverishly, in typical Hong Kong fashion, but I’m too late. Mr and Mrs So Fuk Yiu slide inside. At first they’re like goldfish added to a new tank…docile…quiet…slightly stunned. I half entertain the idea that the whole ride to ground level will be peaceful…civilized even. But like a rocket ship that’s just blown a rivet, Mrs So Fuk Yiu unleashes a wild sawtooth screaming salvo which is instantly interpreted by Mr So as some form of coherent communication and has him yelling back in turn immediately. They’re not fighting…just chatting. They continue, both shrieking at the same time, all the way to the lobby. Not sure if they noticed I was there…but I don’t think it would it have mattered either way.

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Mr & Mrs So Fuk Yiu

6:35am – I’m on the street now. I have a 10 minute walk to the MTR. The first thing I notice is maids all over the place carrying school bags for spoiled cunt school children. The second thing I notice is mothers and fathers holding drink bottles or some kind of limp bread up to their child’s mouth, helping them eat and drink and then wiping their mouths for them. Their goggled-eyed child stands ineptly, arms dangling uselessly by their side as they vacantly chew.

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Hong Kong students learn about how entitled they are

6:40am – I’m half way to the MTR and I’ve noticed everyone is walking really fast. It’s as if they can’t wait to get to work. They’re double timing it…like they’re being frog-marched by someone with a gun to their back. Why can’t people move with this much purpose at the ATM or summon this kind of energy to return their shopping trolleys to the rack, helping to keep the checkout area clear of trolleys and baskets? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Later, there’s a woman in front of me trying so hard to walk fast she almost pitches forward and topples over. I glide past her, look back and she’s holding up the queue trying to find her Octopus Card in her handbag. What a moron.

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Why use one phone when you can make more of an asshole of yourself with two??

6:50am – The MTR. Dear God.

 

To be continued…in…

The Perfect Storm – Part 2: MTR Murder

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Good Samaritans document the scene for law enforcement officials

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This post brought to you by tissues. Good for hawking up phlegm, spitting in, then tossing into or near a rubbish bin.

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Packet of tissues store value…40 cents. Special promotion value…free. Lining up for 20 minutes to get them…priceless.

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Scum…subhuman scum

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Snake eyes you lose!

Posted in Hong Kong | 37 Comments

Andy Lau Fell Off A Horse

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Pass around the hat for Andy…oh god…my kidney…my lung…my pelvis…anything…not Andy! Not Andy!! Anyone but Andy!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

If you’re stuck on the MTR and packed in so tight you can’t even access your phone, it can be a sound ploy to distract yourself from the surrounding scum by focusing your attention toward the on-board television, insipid and vacant as it is. That’s where I found myself the other day and this is what I saw…over and over…and over again:

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Surrounded by vacuous morons securing lame photos for a vacuous Hong Kong public, His Royal Highness and certified God, Andy Lau, is wheeled into the Hong Kong Sanatorium and Hospital in Happy Valley. That’s right…Sanatorium.

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Local deity, Sir Andy Lau fawns for the media

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The hospital bed where Hong Kong sacred cow, Andy Lau, will learn to use his bedpan.

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Supreme Being, Andy Lau, and his horse-stomped pelvis…sporting a bad cold…and a…horse throat?? 😉

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Andy…Andy!! How did it feeeeeeeeel when that horse stomped on your pelvis? Did you hear any bones snap??? Andy!!!!!!!!!!

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Andy Lau’s boring wife on her way to visit the injured divinity.

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We love you Andy! We love you! We are so bereft. Andy! Andy!!!! How does your pelvis feel??!!!!!!! Does it hurt when you urinate???!!! Andy!!!!!????

I know what you’re all saying…who the fuck is Andy Lau?? That’s exactly what I thought. I work with about 9 “Andy Laus” but none of them, that I know about, have tried to molest any horses recently. Apparently the Andy Lau with the snapped pelvis is some kind of money-grubbing horse hater who films TV commercials in Thailand. He’s an ‘entertainer’. In other words, he flits between the cracks, hobnobs with shallow show business types, sings lame dreary songs and makes B-Grade movies. No surprises then that a massive Hong Kong media scrum scuttled out of the smog, surrounded his ambulance stretcher like vultures, and started snapping away, ready to regurgitate their big ol’ pile of watery bile to a mind numbingly superficial Hong Kong populous, set to lap it up with relish, I’m sure. And just in case Yum Cha Johnny and Aunty Fishball don’t understand just what happened to poor Andy Lau, they have this…

Andy Lau can clearly be seen repeatedly jabbing the horse with a sharp object. The horse then bucks Andy off like a sack of potatoes and stomps him not once, but twice…right on the pelvis. Pin point. Ouch. Never work with animals or children, Andy.

What’s the moral of this story?

There is no moral. Andy Lau fell off a horse. Then a huge pile of scuttling substance starved robots took photos of him being wheeled into some kind of 19th century hospital…MTR television played the whole thing on a Clockwork Orange type loop…I watched it for 20 minutes to keep my attention diverted from the scum all around me and I reported my findings here.

The end.

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Dudley Dawson studies the Andy Lau media scrum.

Posted in Hong Kong | 69 Comments

Meat Bakery Blues

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Hong Kong baker, Eduardo Wong, adds a dash of meat to the bread mix

Hong Kong bakeries specialize in soft, limp bread with soft, limp crust. That’s how they like it in Hong Kong. Their bread mirrors the people…soft and limp. Now, because Hong Kong is shallow, superficial and gaudy, Hong Kong bakeries feel the need to dress their bread up in all manner of gimmickry. That’s why the bread available in most bakeries is rarely just bread. It has to be milk bread, butter bread, honey bread, syrup bread, chocolate bread, walnut bread, limp cheese bread, sugar bread, sweet bread, cheese sauce ‘flavour’ bread, sweet topping bread, used-by date mashed fig bread and dick cheese bread. You see, locals need to think they’re getting something special…something fancy. But they’re not.  They’re just getting soft, limp bread with third party gimmickry.

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It’s soft, it’s limp…it’s cheap disgusting crap…and Hong Kong loves it.

Hong Kong bakeries are also experts in the mass production of tasteless, substanceless cakes. Their cakes mirror the people…tasteless and without substance.  Trickery is a fine art, and Hong Kong bakeries are cunning tricksters. They’ve perfected the deceptive art of making cakes that appear inviting and sweet, but that are almost completely devoid of richness and taste. These things are so physically light and vacuous a sheet of paper would tip them on a set of scales. The shameful business practices of Hong Kong bakeries almost defy science. Whipped cream that tastes like air. Icing so plain you’re sure it’s made from starch and water. Butter, sugar, eggs, and flour that somehow combine to create the dull taste of old cardboard. Hong Kongers, of course, lap it all up and kid themselves it’s good because it comes in a special box with a carry string.

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An insipid collection of characterless crap

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They look ok, but taste like the gaudy cardboard box they come in

But of all the low down, half-baked, crusty, crummy bakery gimmicks implemented by seedy Hong Kong bakeries, the shrewdest one has to be MEAT BREAD. Like all canny food businesses, Hong Kong bakeries know that Hong Kongers can’t take 5 steps without stuffing some kind of meat down their throats. Any meat. It doesn’t matter. Walking into a Hong Kong bakery is like walking into some kind of meat locker or butcher shop chop-chop room. It’s like being on the slaughter belt of your local abattoir. If it once lived and breathed the air, knew its mother, had eyes, knew love or fear…then you’ll find it in the Hong Kong meat bakery, ground up, dead and stuffed in a glazed bun.

These fuckers will kill anything if they know they can shove it inside 2 cents worth of soft, limp bread for a profit. Ham steak croissant, black liver chicken bread, tuna fish pastry, sausage & cheese flavor bread, shredded pork bread, ham steak croissant, reconstituted ham baguette, tuna fish puff, cheese & turkey bun, meat cocktail roll, literal cocktail roll, flossy pork French stick, ham corn and corn-hole shredded pork bun, frankfurter sausage bread with added frankfurter, crispy sausage bun, pork belly bread, seared pork belly bread, double seared pork belly bread with extra belly, flossy pork salad bun, chicken cartilage roll, turtle gizzard cold remedy bread stick, cow tongue surprise sweet bread with turkey feet shavings, offal toast niblet dip slices, garlic chicken neck baguette, deep fried aspic meat with tendon roll butter melt bread, tiger penis bread balls, chicken tuna pork beef aspic turkey floss neck loaf.

Welcome to the killing floor, where rolling dough goes hand in hand with mincing, grinding, slicing, dicing, bashing, burning, flossing, cutting, stabbing, pressure broiling, stewing, braising, searing and charring as many ill-raised, stone cold terror stricken animals as can possibly be imagined on a daily basis. And the locals LOVE IT. When they ask, ‘have you had your breakfast yet?’…what they mean is…’did you sit on the train like me chewing with your wet saliva strewn mouth wide open totally oblivious to the sheer terror and unmitigated suffering waiting for anyone within eye-shot of your repugnant, wet mouth-full of pork floss sausage bun yet?’ I always say, ‘no’. No I have not. You scum.

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Is that reconstituted turkey sausage? Is there any other kind of turkey sausage? Hahaha

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We put all our swine through a series of real, actual floss pulling machine jaws, designed to inflict maximum pain and suffering. The result? Limp soft bread with pig floss so fine you can use it to polish steel. MMMM MMMMMM!

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Specialist Hong Kong baker, Moses Chan. “They key to great bread is meat.”

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Ham steak bun. Is that ham reconstituted? Of course it’s reconstituted mother fucker! It’s been reconstituted 9 times since last Wednesday 🙂

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Chicken floss bread…it’s really not as bad as it sounds…it’s worse. 

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It looks bad now…but wait til Winnie Lau’s sitting opposite you on the bus smacking her chops all over it making slapping sounds with her reconstituted sausage saliva mouth chatting loudly into her phone at 7.45am. You’ll think you’ve died and gone to Hong Kong. If you look close enough, you’ll see Winnie actually eat some of the plastic bag around the sausage bun because she’s so profoundly oblivious she has no idea the plastic bag isn’t the reconstituted sausage bun.She simply can’t tell.

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Turkey bun. You’d be a turkey not to buy as many as you can eat before your bus gets you from Tsim Sha Tsui to North Point.

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Crispy sausage bun? Flossy pork? Nice to meat you!

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Tuna ‘fish’ puff labelling prevents people from misguidedly buying tuna ‘pork’ puffs…which are also sensational, but cost a dollar more…and aren’t fish!

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Hong Kong baker, Jacky Cheng, gets ready to knead some dough…with a couple of 4 pound ducks.

The Hong Kong bakery is a disgusting den of pastry perversion and degeneracy. These cheap snake oil, sizzle selling merchants prey upon Hong Kong weakness…a penchant for limpness, softness, shallowness and base limbic desire. I can only hope that when Hong Kong fully and magnificently kowtows to China that these crimes against humanity…these meat bakeries…become a thing of the past like the crazy conspiracy theories about mistreatment and mismanagement at the Tiananmen Square ‘Massacre’ and the absurd ‘stories’ about Cultural Revolution genocides. Once China’s firmly behind the wheel, there’ll be no place for shonkiness, artifice or deception in the HK bakery industry, that’s for sure. A baker’s dozen will be a baker’s dozen…and turtle gizzard will be something you drink, not put in a bun. And I’ll never have to look at you maw your way through some disgusting meat pastry product, sloshing it around in your disgusting wide open mouth, stinking up the train, ever again. You oblivious scum.

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Highly respected baker, Eddy Cheung, sears an infant wild boar alive for his signature dish…seared wild infant boar bread stick. You’re amazing Eddy.

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Pig hair & duck floss surprise. Trying to tell pig hair from split duck feather quill is part of the fun and Hong Kongers love it nearly as much as lining up for 3 hours to throw a foam ball into a hole in a box to win a plastic drink bottle.

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This post brought to you by the staggeringly corrupt and felonious Citibank chain…laundering Mexican drug cartel money with the occasional slap on the wrist for over 50 years…and attempting to hoodwink dim-witted fork and spoon operators out of their hard earned cash with blue suitcase trinkets for almost as long.

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This post additionally brought to you by Used Tissue Hill. When tourists ask me where to go for authentic Hong Kong culture…I don’t hesitate. It’s Used Tissue Hill every time. It’s as Hong Kong as sitting on a train with a wide open mouthful of soggy limp disgusting pig giblet bread.

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When you’re done climbing beautiful Used Tissue Hill, take the load off your feet and out of your nose at Mucus Bench…everyone else does!

Posted in Hong Kong | 114 Comments

Mainlanders & Spencer

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False advertising

Marks & Spencer really knows which side their bread is buttered, that much is clear, and I’ll prove it in a minute…but do they really need to persist with the blatantly false advertising?? Why not just come out and be truthful? Show a little respect for the market. Stop trying to pass yourself off as a decidedly English retail outlet when none of the clothes you sell fit the image you’re pushing. The Tsim Sha Tsui, iSquare image above, is highly deceptive and clearly indicative of the kind of false advertising I’m talking about. Here’s what it should look like:

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A more accurate portrayal of the type of apparel you’ll find in Hong Kong Marks & Spencer these days…totally fitting of the kinds of sausage fingered customers you’ll find ransacking shop racks like people who’ve never seen a striped shirt with collar before. Gimmee gimmee gimmee…must buy my weight in striped collared shirts before dusk!

Let’s check out what’s on offer from the London based retailer. As I’m sure you’ll agree, they sure do cater to the market…

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How do you like your stripes? We have them horizontal.

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By the way, do you like collars? Coz all our shirts have them.

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…all kinds of stripes…all kinds of collars…

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…more stripes with more collars…plus…JUST IN!!! NEW ARRIVAL!!!…designs that don’t mean anything and look like the kind of total shit your weird uncle wore to your grandmother’s funeral last year…

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…did somebody say ‘stripes’??

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…stripes and holy shit, are they dots??…with a stripe on the sleeves…and bold black collar…??? I’ll have 45 of them, please.

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…Did I hear someone say ‘stripes’?? Oh, yessss we have stripes…what particular kind of stripe were you looking for??

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It doesn’t matter…just as long as it has stripes…preferably horizontal…if it doesn’t have stripes make sure it’s got a collar…I want to fit in.

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Stripey goodness

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If the stripe fits wear it

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Cripes! More stripes!

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Got stripes?

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There’s some things money can’t buy…for everything else there’s stripes.

Anyway, fuck, it’s just rack after rack after rack of mainland shirt. That’s all you can buy there now. I’m not complaining though. Marks & Spencer is an overpriced fashion fop hangout at the best of times. I just think their slick advertising should represent the mainland infested Hong Kong customer base they’re dealing with more accurately, that’s all.

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Mainland Martin sports the latest in stripes from Marks & Spencer. Lookin’ good Martin!

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Leroy Lau brags about his new Marks & Spencer shirt, featuring, to the envy of his friends, some kind of checked combo…with collar. Leroy won’t shut up about his 4 suitcases full of striped, collared shirts.

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With a stripe/ collar combo, you’re in like Ling here. Go Ling, go.

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Stripes, collars and 250 bags of whatever

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Ok, I’m off to Marks & Spencer. See ya.

 

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This post brought to you by ‘taking your cat for a walk on a leash’

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The thing’s head was whipping and darting around in a skittish frenzy of alarm and fear. Every sound was a threat, everything that moved spelled danger.

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But of course, the cruel and ignorant owner was oblivious to all of that. She’s just taking her cat for a walk. What?? What’s wrong with that? This is Hong Kong style, you know?!

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HI I’M ON A TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?????????????????? I’M ON A TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Hong Kong | 92 Comments

Major Upset at 2016 WWLC Championships

Oh doctor!! In what experts are calling the biggest local news story of the past 150 years, Hong Kong based terror language Cantonese, affectionately known locally as ‘the language of spite and hate’, has been toppled for the crown in Saturday’s 2016 WWLC knockout series finals in downtown Sham Shui Po, Hong Kong.

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Beautiful downtown Sham Shui Po played host to this years WWLC

The stunning upset marks the first time in the history of the WWLC that Cantonese has relinquished the coveted top spot to any of the world’s competing horrific languages. According to WWLC historian and statistician, Chan Chun Lin Jr, records date back as far as the first Opium War (1839) when visiting British Warlord and drug dealer, Admiral Wetherby J Snotsberry took time out from routine British East India Company funded merciless unarmed civilian bombing campaigns to note in his journal: “I’m not sure what’s more heinous and objectionable…the unintelligible blood curdling death screams of shrapnel riddled Chinese peasants writhing in agony under the hard rain of our military superiority and newly wrought technology, or the diabolical and equally unintelligible cackling of the as yet, un-wounded, fleeing for their miserable lives down dingy coastal town alley ways, shouting desperate warnings to their Chinese kin while straw huts and rice paddies explode all around them.” – A J Snotsberry, 1840.

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Brave British troops subdue hopelessly out-gunned sandal wearing goldfish tenders in devastatingly merciless rout

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‘See this cutlass? You keep beakin’ like that, you’ll taste its steel my friend.’ – A J Snotsberry

The following year, the Right Honourable A J Snotsberry went on to found and inaugurate the very first World’s Worst Language Championship, comfortably won by Team Cantonese, heralding an unsurpassed 175 year run as world’s worst language.

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Britain…slinging product for centuries.

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Grateful customers kick back with a whole lot of sweet, sweet ‘Chinese Molasses’

For generations, Cantonese has reigned supreme as the undisputed world’s worst language, fending off stiff competition from the likes of Hindi, French, Arabic, Spanish, Korean, English, ABC Southern Californian English and Putonghua. It has consistently swept nearly all 10 categories since the ‘defined category’ system was implemented under WWLC rule reforms in 1938…rules that sought to even the paying field and allow competing languages the opportunity to joust in individual disciplines. But the ’38 reforms did little to loosen the savage grip Cantonese held on the trophy…nothing it seemed, could compete with the unsettling, snarling, bitter tones of the repellent men and women of Cantonese stronghold, Hong Kong. Until now.

Amid chaotic scenes on Saturday afternoon in picturesque downtown Sham Shui Po, it was Tagalog to take the crown.

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Tagalog is an Austronesian language spoken by up to 60 million people of the Philippines. In its standardised form, Tagalog (or simply Filipino) is a devastatingly nauseating language once considered by the US military for use in enhanced interrogation techniques along with waterboarding, binding in contorted stress positions, sleep deprivation, food deprivation and subjection to extremes of heat and cold. In July 2007, the European Court of Human Rights formally ruled that prolonged exposure to Tagalog was torture and condemned its use by intelligence agencies and military organisations around the world.

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Waterboard me…the rack…bamboo up the fingernails…anything but the Tagalog…not the Tagalog!!

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Tagalog time…it’s Tagalicious!

Over the last 10 years, Tagalog has enjoyed success and kudos but never the title in the WWL World Championship Finals. Jubilant Philippines President, Rodrigo ‘Rody the Vigilante’ Roa Duterte praised the 2016 win as the ‘sweetest moment’ in Philippine history since his notorious implementation of the Davao Death Squads in 1998. ‘We really stood up this year and showed the world that not only are we number one in vigilante fuelled summary execution crime, but we’re the world’s worst language too…it doesn’t get any better than that!’ – ‘Rody the Vigilante’ Duterte.

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Ready to negotiate…Philippine President Duterte

In the lead up to this years championships, few gave Tagalog much hope. ‘A lot of people have this misconception that Filipinos are simple, laid-back coconut collectors with an easy drawl and unflappable nature, ready to freshen your tropical gin and tonic while you  sit back and survey your plantation from the cool, cool shade of your imported treated oak veranda. Well, you know…when we aren’t out in broad daylight, brandishing handguns, homemade knives and 2 foot long machetes, whacking suspected drug users in street-side cafes and movie ticket box queues, that’s pretty much true. But this year was different. Team Tagalog meant business this year.’ – Nic Salonga, Team Tagalog Masseuse.

Turning tradition on its head, 2016 was the first year a competitive Tagalog team was selected from outside of more familiar recruiting grounds such as the corrupt, grime smeared streets of Manilla, the compound armed guarded shopping malls of Cebu and the deadly streets of Davao.

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Wish you were here…postcards from Manilla

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Duterte’s Death Squads strike again. It’s kind of like that ‘3 strikes you’re out policy’…but you don’t get any strikes.

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Duterte’s Death Squad puts the stomp on another evil doer. This time a suspected marijuana user. ‘We heard from a man who said he knew the dead man’s cousin’s wife’s friend’s workmate’s sister…well apparently she used to work in a fish processing plant with someone’s aunty’s best friend who told her boyfriend’s mother that this guy was a pot smoker. Well, that was good enough for us so we gunned the sucker down in front of a second hand shoe sale in southern Davao. He won’t be passing any more Dutchies to the left hand side, that’s for sure.’ – Larry, Duterte’s Death Squad Spokesman.

‘Don’t get me wrong. These areas are goldmines. Some of the spoken language coming out of those centres is world class. I mean, it will sear the ears off a bronze statue. It’ll have you curled into the fetal position in seconds, crying for it to stop. But, you know, when you’re competing against Cantonese there’s just no shortcuts. You need something special and there’s no way around it. It’s just that bad. Cantonese is fucking horrific. We’ve come so close in recent years and in the end it was just a bit of sideways thinking that pushed us over the line this year. Just a great team effort. I’m proud of them all.’ Isidro del Pradoso, Head Coach, Team Tagalog.

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…and inflict it on anyone within earshot for that day…lots of catching up to do with only one day a week a free slave…and that means Tagalog at a thousand miles an hour, lots of clicking and popping and rolling clacking tongues that never seem to shut the fuck up.

Pradoso explains that the 2016 Tagalog team was made up of randomly selected, Hong Kong based Filipino maids. ‘I don’t know if you’ve ever been in the same space as a bunch of Filipino maids in Hong Kong for more than a few minutes at a time…maybe on the MTR, a bus or a cramped staircase or something…but they’re incessant. I mean, I’m a pacifist and a Filipino myself…and I was nearly driven clinically insane last Easter when I visited Hong Kong on a 3 day business trip. I was ready to kill every last human being…man, woman and child on that train just to make a single Filipino woman stop beaking into her phone. Luckily, as I was pulling out my concealed machete, it dawned on me…if one Filipino maid can drive a guy like me to the point of literal mass murder, imagine what a group of them…together…all jabbering at the same time must be like. It was a real light-bulb in the head moment for me.

But, I don’t know what to put their stupendously aggravating jibber jabber down to though. It must be something to do with living and working as a maid in this vacuous, desperately callous Hong Kong milieu. It gives an edge to the voice, like no other place, a desperation…some kind of blaring ignorance maybe. From what I saw, Filipino maids certainly have absolutely no regard for other people in any way shape or form. They just don’t care. It’s like they take a huge deep breath, hold it for a second…and then unleash this highly irritating torrent of flipping, flopping, clicking, clacking, rolling, wobbling noise that never seems to end. Now, if you’re the type of mindless cretin who can sit there in an enclosed, crowded public space, stone cold, and yell and scream into your phone or carry out these teeth rattlingly loud, selfish conversations with your ignorant chums, without the slightest consideration for other people, then hey, the WWLC is for you. You see, in the WWLC, you need that kind of obliviousness. It’s not a competition where caring, self reflection or any form of humanity counts. It simply rewards ignorance and baseness. That’s why Hong Kong Canto has been so strong for so long.

Anyway, history now shows my hunch was right. Just look at the result. Four of the 6 judges were hospitalised and one was so out of control he swiped a paring knife from a mango juice stall and attacked our whole team before they could even finish their main routine. And I knew, I just knew as soon as Jisweda Marcos was stabbed in the throat by that judge, that our chances of winning were pretty good. I just had that feeling. Jisweda’s a real trooper though, she’ll be back next year bigger, badder, louder and more inconsiderate I’m sure.’

The categories and results for the 2016 competition were as follows:

Disciplines

Hong Kong’s Lament

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Team Cantonese vice captain Jimmy Wong

‘I dunno. It just seems everything is going wrong these days. Mainland China is pushing us around, rents are high, there’s lead in the water pipes, our city sucks. It’s all kind of taking the wind out of our sails. Maybe we feel weak somehow. I dunno. It’s shameful to be the first ever team to lose this championship. I lost face you know? I just don’t know what to say. There just wasn’t the same kind of spite and malice in our voice this year. It’s like we are looking over our shoulder or something. We just weren’t able to lash out consistently across the 10 disciplines with the right kind of vicious streak we usually have. I don’t know. They had that ‘put the child to sleep’ category this year. It was a new category. I mean, what is that? If an infant’s ear drums burst, how are we supposed to not put it to sleep? We lose points for our efforts. I feel like we got robbed. I just…I dunno…I’m speechless. We want to protest the result, actually. I mean…is it legal to have Filipino maids who are based in HK, represent the Philippines? They are here in our home base, stealing all our ideas, using us as inspiration. It’s not fair.’ – Jimmy Wong, vc, Team Cantonese.

Let’s hear it for Team Tagalog. Congratulations on a very well deserved victory. You must be very proud!

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Posted in Hong Kong | 99 Comments

Suicide Prevention HK Style

Suicide’s a delicate and complicated subject, but in Hong Kong, psychologists, in cahoots with the Education Bureau, believe a ham-fisted preventative approach works best for youngsters who want to end it all. In Hong Kong, as ever, heavy doses of unwavering practicality, bluntness, box ticking and paperwork are the only answer.

22 students from as young as 11yo have taken their lives since the start of the school year in September. The 4 most recent cases occurred in the space of 5 days. With these grim statistics in mind, here’s what the experts have come up with:

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Feeling raw enough to slice your wrists in a bathtub full of warm water? Go play with your pet turtle you crazy nut.

The genius of a form like this is its simplicity. A think tank sits around a table with suicides piling up all around them, aware they must act. They must do something…but what?

Can they wave a magic wand and magically turn Hong Kong from the disgusting, nasty, dog-eat-dog, ‘me first’, cramped, polluted, vacuous place that it is, into a relaxed ‘life before work’ chilled out village? No. Can they somehow convince parents to ease up on the mania…the sheer unadulterated mania and manic delirium they have for all things education? Fuck no. Can they click their fingers and change Chinese culture in one fell swoop – suddenly turning it from the highly authoritarian, discipline based, ‘face’ obsessed, snobbish, group-think, money driven, materialistic culture that it is, into a culture that values the kind of happiness you can’t buy in a shop? No way.  Can they put an end to pre-kindergarten attainment test interviews for 2yo children and all the pressure that instils? Nope. Can they look in the mirror, at the very education system they run and administer…where every facet of every class at every year level bears the psychological weight, importance and pressure of a space shuttle launch…and step back for a second, howl at the moon and scream ‘oh God forgive us what the fuck are we doing we must be out of our fucking minds!’? No fucking way!

So what do these MENSA graduates do? That’s easy. They make a form to fill out. I promise not to kill myself between now and April 17th. How practical. How blunt. How Hong Kong.

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By signing this suicide form, you agree to exempt the HK Education Bureau from any responsibility, liability, litigation or loss of face in the event of your untimely demise.

Let’s not even get into the real reasons behind why things are so fucked in Hong Kong for so many people. We wouldn’t want to cause any loss of face for the small number of cartels and big business bosses greedily scooping up 99% of the pie while the majority of Hong Kong sits around arguing whether they are eating it or not. Or more exactly:

“Lets face it, Hong Kong is facing a disintegration of its social fabric; the student suicide rate is just a symptom of that process. The disintegration is due to falling social mobility caused by a cartel of businesses who reduce real wages, push-up costs and exploit workers. These factors, coupled with high property prices, terrible pollution and over-crowding of our city, has placed unbearable strains on all of us. Just to add to that feeling of despair, we have a malfunctioning government, with officials out of touch with reality and low quality politicians. Any young person with an ounce of intellect realises they face years of study, then earning poor wages to buy a cramped concrete box in the sky, at inflated costs; maybe they will get 18-days holiday a year, they will pay into the mandatory provident fund to earn a paltry pension and that’s their future.”

– ‘Kubrick’ Mar 12th 2016, 10:33am

Ouch.

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HK Secretary for Education Eddie Ng has a sweet job and a nice house. “I never killed myself when I was a teenager, and look how I turned out.” – Eddie Ng speaks to primary school children last Thursday.

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White knuckle time. No pressure, children, but this quiz decides your future. Don’t choke!

 

Posted in Hong Kong | 149 Comments