Hong Kong bakeries specialize in soft, limp bread with soft, limp crust. That’s how they like it in Hong Kong. Their bread mirrors the people…soft and limp. Now, because Hong Kong is shallow, superficial and gaudy, Hong Kong bakeries feel the need to dress their bread up in all manner of gimmickry. That’s why the bread available in most bakeries is rarely just bread. It has to be milk bread, butter bread, honey bread, syrup bread, chocolate bread, walnut bread, limp cheese bread, sugar bread, sweet bread, cheese sauce ‘flavour’ bread, sweet topping bread, used-by date mashed fig bread and dick cheese bread. You see, locals need to think they’re getting something special…something fancy. But they’re not. They’re just getting soft, limp bread with third party gimmickry.
Hong Kong bakeries are also experts in the mass production of tasteless, substanceless cakes. Their cakes mirror the people…tasteless and without substance. Trickery is a fine art, and Hong Kong bakeries are cunning tricksters. They’ve perfected the deceptive art of making cakes that appear inviting and sweet, but that are almost completely devoid of richness and taste. These things are so physically light and vacuous a sheet of paper would tip them on a set of scales. The shameful business practices of Hong Kong bakeries almost defy science. Whipped cream that tastes like air. Icing so plain you’re sure it’s made from starch and water. Butter, sugar, eggs, and flour that somehow combine to create the dull taste of old cardboard. Hong Kongers, of course, lap it all up and kid themselves it’s good because it comes in a special box with a carry string.
But of all the low down, half-baked, crusty, crummy bakery gimmicks implemented by seedy Hong Kong bakeries, the shrewdest one has to be MEAT BREAD. Like all canny food businesses, Hong Kong bakeries know that Hong Kongers can’t take 5 steps without stuffing some kind of meat down their throats. Any meat. It doesn’t matter. Walking into a Hong Kong bakery is like walking into some kind of meat locker or butcher shop chop-chop room. It’s like being on the slaughter belt of your local abattoir. If it once lived and breathed the air, knew its mother, had eyes, knew love or fear…then you’ll find it in the Hong Kong meat bakery, ground up, dead and stuffed in a glazed bun.
These fuckers will kill anything if they know they can shove it inside 2 cents worth of soft, limp bread for a profit. Ham steak croissant, black liver chicken bread, tuna fish pastry, sausage & cheese flavor bread, shredded pork bread, ham steak croissant, reconstituted ham baguette, tuna fish puff, cheese & turkey bun, meat cocktail roll, literal cocktail roll, flossy pork French stick, ham corn and corn-hole shredded pork bun, frankfurter sausage bread with added frankfurter, crispy sausage bun, pork belly bread, seared pork belly bread, double seared pork belly bread with extra belly, flossy pork salad bun, chicken cartilage roll, turtle gizzard cold remedy bread stick, cow tongue surprise sweet bread with turkey feet shavings, offal toast niblet dip slices, garlic chicken neck baguette, deep fried aspic meat with tendon roll butter melt bread, tiger penis bread balls, chicken tuna pork beef aspic turkey floss neck loaf.
Welcome to the killing floor, where rolling dough goes hand in hand with mincing, grinding, slicing, dicing, bashing, burning, flossing, cutting, stabbing, pressure broiling, stewing, braising, searing and charring as many ill-raised, stone cold terror stricken animals as can possibly be imagined on a daily basis. And the locals LOVE IT. When they ask, ‘have you had your breakfast yet?’…what they mean is…’did you sit on the train like me chewing with your wet saliva strewn mouth wide open totally oblivious to the sheer terror and unmitigated suffering waiting for anyone within eye-shot of your repugnant, wet mouth-full of pork floss sausage bun yet?’ I always say, ‘no’. No I have not. You scum.
The Hong Kong bakery is a disgusting den of pastry perversion and degeneracy. These cheap snake oil, sizzle selling merchants prey upon Hong Kong weakness…a penchant for limpness, softness, shallowness and base limbic desire. I can only hope that when Hong Kong fully and magnificently kowtows to China that these crimes against humanity…these meat bakeries…become a thing of the past like the crazy conspiracy theories about mistreatment and mismanagement at the Tiananmen Square ‘Massacre’ and the absurd ‘stories’ about Cultural Revolution genocides. Once China’s firmly behind the wheel, there’ll be no place for shonkiness, artifice or deception in the HK bakery industry, that’s for sure. A baker’s dozen will be a baker’s dozen…and turtle gizzard will be something you drink, not put in a bun. And I’ll never have to look at you maw your way through some disgusting meat pastry product, sloshing it around in your disgusting wide open mouth, stinking up the train, ever again. You oblivious scum.