The Perfect Storm

perfect

The S.S. Dawson takes on Victoria Harbour

The Perfect Storm – Part 1: Morning Madness

The Perfect Storm: an especially bad day where conditions dish up nothing but snake eyes

I’ve never experienced the perfect storm in Hong Kong…but if I did, I imagine it would follow this factually based hypothetical timeline…

MONDAY 25th
6:00am – I wake up to the sound of urine. The steady, unmistakable sound of someone else’s morning piss plunges deep and sure into my brain. The walls are thin, the urine is strong. I swoon a little, imagining some old woman hosing out her steaming yellow labia liquid in the unit above me. I hope I don’t have to listen to her trying to push the kids into the deep end…oh…too late. I vomit in my mouth a little…it’s going to be one of those days…

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Aunty Urine’s special labia liquid

6:15am – I try to make my way to the shower before the door slamming starts. But I don’t make it. BANG! SLAM! SCREECH! BANG! KA FUCKING SLAM! There’s 8 units on my floor and the savages living in them need to leave early for school or their customer service jobs on the other side of Hong Kong. They slam their doors with a kind of cruelty and hateful spite which truly boggles the mind. I feel like I’m being violated somehow.

6:20am – I’m sitting down, trying to read a few pages of a book before I have to leave for work. But Aunty Urine’s up there chopping a bagful of radish. CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP. She sure does have a lot of radish. She’s swinging from the shoulder too. CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! From the unit above and to the right of me, another woman…a mother, starts screaming at her young children. She’s firing off a withering barrage of instruction and scolding. She’s snapping and biting off anywhere between 300 to 500 Cantonese words a minute I’d reckon. She has, easily, one of the most grating and irritating voices I’ve ever heard. And right here, in my home, my castle…that bitch is crystal clear.

FraggleRock-Gorgs&Fraggles

Damn radishes

6:22am – Someone on my floor comes by my door to take rubbish to the bin in the stairwell. Their trash clunks into the big plastic bin then I hear them shuffling back down to their unit…seconds later the heavy, fireproof stairwell door crashes closed with a gigantic thud. That’s followed by my neighbour slamming her own door as loud as she can in typical Hong Kong fashion. Meanwhile – Aunty Urine’s still dealing with the radish; CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOP! CHOPPITY CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP! CHOP! CHOP; someone’s started tapping something for some reason somewhere in the unit next to me and I can hear a TV blaring…that’d be my other neighbours – the ones who enjoy leaving their door open and their TV on, loud, at 6 in the morning.

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Home is where the hate is

6:24am – The man in the unit above and to the left of me starts his daily hammering activities. Not sure what kind of project he’s working on, but he should be finished soon because he’s been at it for a solid year now. Moments later, car horns start going off somewhere down on the street. And I mean going off. I don’t even live in a built up area. What the fuck is going on down there? I keep reading the same line in my book over and over again, not knowing what it says. I have to get the fuck out of here.

6:30am – I’m on my floor waiting for the lift, praying none of my neighbors come out. Because if they do, I know they’ll be bellowing at one another and their breath will stink. Just before the lift arrives I hear commotion from round the corner. Keys are rustling, voices are yelling and doors are slamming in typical Hong Kong fashion. I mash the CLOSE button feverishly, in typical Hong Kong fashion, but I’m too late. Mr and Mrs So Fuk Yiu slide inside. At first they’re like goldfish added to a new tank…docile…quiet…slightly stunned. I half entertain the idea that the whole ride to ground level will be peaceful…civilized even. But like a rocket ship that’s just blown a rivet, Mrs So Fuk Yiu unleashes a wild sawtooth screaming salvo which is instantly interpreted by Mr So as some form of coherent communication and has him yelling back in turn immediately. They’re not fighting…just chatting. They continue, both shrieking at the same time, all the way to the lobby. Not sure if they noticed I was there…but I don’t think it would it have mattered either way.

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Mr & Mrs So Fuk Yiu

6:35am – I’m on the street now. I have a 10 minute walk to the MTR. The first thing I notice is maids all over the place carrying school bags for spoiled cunt school children. The second thing I notice is mothers and fathers holding drink bottles or some kind of limp bread up to their child’s mouth, helping them eat and drink and then wiping their mouths for them. Their goggled-eyed child stands ineptly, arms dangling uselessly by their side as they vacantly chew.

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Hong Kong students learn about how entitled they are

6:40am – I’m half way to the MTR and I’ve noticed everyone is walking really fast. It’s as if they can’t wait to get to work. They’re double timing it…like they’re being frog-marched by someone with a gun to their back. Why can’t people move with this much purpose at the ATM or summon this kind of energy to return their shopping trolleys to the rack, helping to keep the checkout area clear of trolleys and baskets? What the fuck is wrong with these people? Later, there’s a woman in front of me trying so hard to walk fast she almost pitches forward and topples over. I glide past her, look back and she’s holding up the queue trying to find her Octopus Card in her handbag. What a moron.

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Why use one phone when you can make more of an asshole of yourself with two??

6:50am – The MTR. Dear God.

 

To be continued…in…

The Perfect Storm – Part 2: MTR Murder

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Good Samaritans document the scene for law enforcement officials

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This post brought to you by tissues. Good for hawking up phlegm, spitting in, then tossing into or near a rubbish bin.

ygu

Packet of tissues store value…40 cents. Special promotion value…free. Lining up for 20 minutes to get them…priceless.

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Scum…subhuman scum

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Snake eyes you lose!

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37 Responses to The Perfect Storm

  1. Glög says:

    Wow! I can relate to most of this! I thought I was being overly sensitive, or maybe I have super acute hearing. But seriously!?! WTF are they chopping all day???How many times do these people eat???
    Luckily I don’t have “door slammers” in my building, but I have “hallway smokers”…a totally different nuisance. Not only does the stench penetrate the flat and wake you at any hour of the night, they also sometimes bring a friend and the shouting match ensues.
    God help us!!!

  2. Fuk Yu Too says:

    “Mr and Mrs So Fuk Yiu!!!”.. wahahahaa.. That was good..

    “Why use one phone when you can make more of an asshole of yourself with two??” Have you been into a taxi with the driver having 9 phones in front of him??

  3. Nirvana in Fire 6 says:

    I wouldn’t call it “The Perfect Storm – Part 2: MTR Murder”..

    why don’t you call it “Self Immolation at the MTR on Facebook live”

    this whole place is really just one giant mental institution!

  4. hkopiumden says:

    lol one of your best. looking forward to Part 2

  5. Anonymous says:

    Forget the MTR. Take a taxi and get your mother fucked for free… in HK style, fakyomada.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Dudley, I can sense that you’re beginning to repeat yourself (i.e. “I love the smell of WD40 in the morning”). Your posts are very amusing and entertaining, but you won’t change the Devil, the Devil will change you. Is it time for you to bugger off from HK and recover your sanity? Just a thought… great work you’ve been doing so far though.

  7. Cat's Eye says:

    Just when I think I’ve seen/heard/smelled it all or feel I’ve become desensitized to what goes on here, I realize that I haven’t. It’s like the movie “Groundhog Day” where life repeats itself for one man.
    My complaints and frustrations repeat themselves daily so I see nothing wrong with what Dudley is doing. I sometimes reread posts just to reaffirm my view on things.
    Anonymous, I do agree with “…you can’t change the Devil, the Devil will change you.” That is probably the most difficult aspect to deal with and remember.
    Does anyone recover their sanity completely once they’ve left HK?

  8. hkopiumden says:

    You guys are readiing too much into this. he’s a piss taker. Pure and simple. If anything pisses you off, – mission accomplished . He’s using Hong Kong as a canvass to sling mud, prod sores and needle people who need needling. You really think he’s curled up in a corner worried that Hong KOng is going to change him into the kinds of fucks he dishes out to here??

  9. Martial arts is bogus says:

    HK does change people for the worse. Characteristics include:
    -Selfishness
    -Arrogance
    -Disregard for others
    -Becoming soft and weak physically (despite excising like a mad freak)
    -Becoming soft and weak mentally
    -Sexual perversion

  10. Fuk Me Too says:

    Anonymous and “Martial arts is bogus” are right. They have made a good point.

    After spending a few years inside a prison or mental institution, you will become one of them no matter how good a person you were before.

  11. Anonymous says:

    Cat’s Eye: “Does anyone recover their sanity completely once they’ve left HK?” Possibly, but fuck me, it’s difficult! This freaking nightmare keeps haunting you for a long time, I promise you.
    hkopiumden: “You really think he’s curled up in a corner worried that Hong KOng is going to change him into the kinds of fucks he dishes out to here??” Of course not! And he damn shouldn’t, otherwise he’s letting those pieces of shit win. It was just a though… no big deal.
    Fuk Me Too: “After spending a few years inside a prison or mental institution, you will become one of them no matter how good a person you were before.” In this unimaginable dystopian of a huge pile of turds, one cannot afford to remotely allow being infected by it. It’s repulsive. I didn’t, and fucking fought back on countless occasions. Trouble with that, it does affect your mental and physical health, apart from being extremely exhausting. That’s when IMO it’s time to give up the rat race and move on. Fucking rat race?? This expression doesn’t even begin to describe the kind of horrors. Diseased, abnormal, race of moving excrement. I’ve decided to really be mindful of my own health and buggered off. I used to read this blog regularly, reason why I basically know every single post almost by heart, but now I barely open this blog, and that’s a good sign… a sign that I’m moving on.

  12. Buck says:

    ” I’m on my floor waiting for the lift, praying none of my neighbors come out. Because if they do, I know they’ll be bellowing at one another and their breath will stink.”

    I can so relate to this. A year ago I stopped using the elevator, and only take the stairs, for this very reason.

  13. Cat's Eye says:

    Hair!

    It’s everywhere! Long and short, but mostly long black hair in the lifts, on the stairs, on the streets, on the buses. There are a lot of people here, I get that, but it’s f@$#!% everywhere!

    My husband I and don’t go out to eat all that often here for a number of reasons and hair is one of them. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve found hair in my food at a restaurant. I’ve also found it, for example, on vegetables and fish I buy at the grocery store.

    Disgusting! and repulsive! Hair, spit, snot…

  14. HK mall island says:

    I can finally leave this shithole that os Hong Kong. I had the same old cunt in the flat below chopping shit for hours. While watching tv at full volume with the door open , never know your neighbour might be interested in listening to your program! She then would complain when someone had a party at 10pm, old cunt.
    Sad place full of cunts thinking they live in the most civilized place in the world. I hope I can heal fast enough from living there for so long. Horrible filthy blood sucking racist scum.

  15. Often Wong says:

    what do you hate most about the local restaurants?

    (1) hair and snort in the food
    (2) cockroaches
    (3) the noise
    (4) the food
    (5) the people

  16. Gweilos Suck says:

    Can you continue to the part when you arrive at your shitty English teacher job?

  17. HK mall island says:

    Often wong.

    I think the worst thing about HK restaurants are the locals. I’d rather have cockroaches than a local slurping like it is the first meal they had in years.

  18. @gs I’m going to skip that part coz I don’t want anyone to know what I do for a crust SHHHHHHHHHHH!

  19. Tony M says:

    To Gweilos Suck: I respect the teachers my children have. You are an awful vile human who needs to die for showing such contempt for teachers…who next? Nurses? Firemen? What a nasty freak you are. Please be ripped to shreads.

  20. hkopiumden says:

    I thought that moron was banned??

  21. Martial arts is bogus says:

    Not just a moron, a pervert. Described how he liked paying for sex in HK ghettos and abusing women. Disgusting life form.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Ahhh, the fresh air of a new post, time to get everything back in perspective in this piece of shit.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Thank you so much for this!!!

    Never do get used to the staring. Like they are looking at an actual alien from a far off galaxy. with their dead little eyes reflecting a crushed soul and limited mental capacity.

    try walking down the street with an attractive Chinese (or any asian will do) girl and see the stares! racists!

  24. Dystopian Chan says:

    Which of the following characteristics define the Hong Kong people?
    (A) Self Centered
    (B) Dishonest
    (C) Doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone
    (D) Greed
    (E) Amoral
    (F) Exploitative
    (G) Cold-blooded
    (H) Psychopathic
    (I) Abusive
    (J) Lack of common sense
    (K) all of the above

  25. Buck says:

    well, the answer is obvious.

  26. Buck says:

    I’d revise (C) “Doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone” to (C) “Doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone except themselves”.

  27. Martial arts is bogus says:

    On the bright side, the girls lick and french kiss asshole it like its a movie stars mouth.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Fucking hate this place can’t wait to get out!

  29. Cat's Eye says:

    “Later, there’s a woman in front of me trying so hard to walk fast she almost pitches forward and topples over. I glide past her, look back and she’s holding up the queue trying to find her Octopus Card in her handbag. What a moron.” From D.D.

    I despise these people, too. Rush to jump the queue at the bus stop or MTR and, lo and behold, they don’t have the card ready or change! OMG

    Often Wong: All of the above. Can’t stand all the gross stuff I see and hear in a restaurant.
    Dystopian Chan: All of the above with Buck’s revision of (C)

    So many of us seem to be biding our time here.

  30. Dystopian Chan says:

    The Perfect Storm – Part 2: MTR Murder

    A gweiloo is trying to help the man who is dying. That gweiloo must be new here..

  31. Animal Farm says:

    Just imagine how it would feel ramming those mobile phones down their ugly garoupa deformed faces. Nice huh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.

  32. Anonymous says:

    Wow, you guys are pretty spot on about Hong Kong, its kind of a really fast and rich shithole, highlighting the terrifying over-competitveness and the side-effects living in an urban city. BTW do you guys know Chinese?

  33. Anonymous says:

    BTW have you guys try living in 長洲, its like that one island which have lots of foreigners on it, its a pretty good place for foreigners who cannot take HK’s over-competetiveness

  34. Anonymous says:

    BTW don’t live in a public housing estate especially the Tong Lau (really old ones), those buildings are cut into spaces so small yet so expensive that you basically is a rent slave living in a cage reserved for to be-butchered animals. Also you guys seriously don’t like butchered animals….

  35. Anonymous says:

    Also in most cases of loud speaking rude people, if their speech contain only 4 tones, it is probably not a local Hong Kong person but a person from literal China. You don’t need to reason with them as they are uncultured cucks.

  36. HK mall island says:

    Who is that weirdo who post random shit in the comment. By the way you write like a HK cunt. Always blaming mainland for their own problems, you need to realise HKers are animals and even worse than mainlanders.

  37. Dystopian Chan says:

    yup, that anonymous is a fucker.
    They are willing to learn the English language, dress in western clothes and pretend as if they are part of humanity.
    But inside, they are still psychopaths.
    – they do not fucking care about anything or anyone except themselves.
    – they are not capable of reflecting on their own wrongdoings
    – they don’t have any sense of guilt or shame.
    – they are physically, intellectually, mentally and morally weak
    – they don’t trust anyone, and no one trust them

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