I Love the Smell of WD-40 in the Morning

WD-40 airstrikes will begin in HK next month

WD-40 airstrikes are set to begin in HK next month

Like a lot of people in Hong Kong, I live in a decrepit old building full of decrepit, lifeless feet-shufflers. The elevator is broken every other week and the rubbishy stench that wafts up from the building’s central cavity stings the nostrils and makes you swoon.

Hey everyone, for the love of god…stop tossing your trash out the window! If you enjoy the hobo lifestyle and feel comforted by surrounding yourself in refuse and filth, then by all means hit the streets. There’s plenty of nooks and crannies on Nathan Road that you can crawl into and call home. But until then, there are other people living here. Don’t you get that?

The used tissues, greasy plastic bags, old band-aids, bloody dental floss and toe nails falling like rain past my window remind me of my slum days in the shanty towns outside Mumbai. I thought Hong Kong was Asia’s finest city…isn’t it supposed to be the Pearl of the Orient or something? More like the Turd of the Orient, am I right??

Visit Hong Kong: The Turd of the Orient!

Visit Hong Kong: Come for the turds…stay for the stench!

Anyhoo, owing to yet another elevator SNAFU in my building over the past few weeks, I’ve had to use the second elevator and reach home by getting off at the floor below mine and then taking the stairs up a flight. Not a hardship by any means. But the extra legwork has meant that more wafts of putrid stink reach my nose because I’m forced to walk past several windows that look down into the disgusting building cavity . I’m pretty sure that the woman below me throws her used earhole cleaners out into the cavity every morning because a number of them that didn’t quite make it are congealed and stuck on the window sill. Nice!

Elevator SNAFU. Week 3. Left elevator handles the odd floors, right elevator the even.

Elevator SNAFU. Week 3. Left elevator handles the odd floors, right elevator the even.

Using the stairs to get to my floor is where the WD-40 comes in to the story, because to get to the stairs you have to push open a swinging door.  All of these swinging stairwell doors grind open like the gates of hell. They squeal…they creak…they moan…they wail like tortured animals…they scream like murder victims. The rusty hinges cry with such high-pitched grief you almost expect the whole building to implode in on itself in an ecstasy of horrific sympathetic resonance. It’s a sound filled only with torment and hate.

One of the offending hinges

One of the offending hinges. Lord knows when the hinges were last oiled but judging by the sound…I’d say…never

It boggles my mind that no-one seems to have ever thought it might be a good idea to oil the hinges to quieten the doors…to rescue their ears from this  fingernails on blackboard horror.  It’s a simple fix. Fuck. How can people live like this for any length of time without going out of their minds?

The offending stairwell doors are only a couple of feet from the doors to people’s homes and putting rubbish out means opening the stairwell door. So it’s a daily thing at least…and with broken elevators the doors open and close more than usual. I can’t be sure what happens on every floor, but here’s how things go down on mine:

1. Neighbour exits house door (which is a foot and a half from my own door) in a flail of keys and clicking and doorknob turning. TV from inside blares some ridiculous HK game show.
2. Neighbour stands in doorway furrowing brow and yells something back to someone inside at the top of her lungs. She yells it again. Then again.
3. Neighbour opens outer iron gate, smashing it against concrete wall
4. Neighbour reaches the gates of hell – the stairwell door…pushing it open and unleashing twisted, blood curdling rusty hinge screams
5. Neighbour drops rubbish in the stairwell area
6. Neighbour comes back through the gates of hell, letting the swinging door screech and then smash violently closed with a HUGE THUD
7. Neighbour slams closed the outer iron gate and viciously locks it
8. Neighbour reenters house slamming the door with enough force to rattle saucepans on my kitchen bench.

This is totally normal. She’s not angry or having a bad day. She’s just slamming doors because she’s a garden variety Hong Kong moron. All this happens between about 11-12 at night…every night. But that’s not all. 99 out of 100 times, and this is no joke, this stupid old mole repeats the entire process because she forgot to put some piece of rubbish out. So in the end she’ll do it all twice. Her subnormal, box headed minibus driver son is even worse than she is. These are the types of people you’re dealing with in Hong Kong: The ‘Pearl’ of the Orient. Stupid oblivious morons.

Stairwell leading down to one of the gates of hell

Stairwell leading down to one of the gates of hell

When I first moved in here it took me about 3 weeks before I’d finally had enough and literally ran down to my favourite shop, Japan Home Centre, and bought some WD-40. I came back and doused the shit out of the stairwell door on my floor and instantly felt relief wash over me in an awesome wave. The only sound it makes now is the HUGE THUD every time my fuckface neighbours let it slam…which is every fucking time they use it…which is multiple times a day. But fuck me if I didn’t silence the moaning…the tortured cries…the screaming of those hinges. For me, banishing those screams back to hell where they belong has been a slice of heaven.

Gate to hell

The HUGE THUD makes the glasses in my cupboard chink

So the elevator has been broken for some time now and I have been walking down one floor. The stairwell door below was truly diabolical before I tactically struck with WD-40. Earlier, when I went to work each morning, the screaming hinges really set a grim tone. It’s bad enough leaving your private piece of sanctuary and heading out into public areas of the Turd of the Orient at the best of times, but to do so heralded by the obnoxious screaming of a door that not a soul bothered to, or even considered fixing, is beyond a joke.

When your neighbours treat your general living environment like a sewer and when they show absolutely zero regard for the idea of noise pollution or the concept of ‘other people’, sometimes living in the Turd of the Orient can feel like you’re watching a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor…crawling, slithering along the edge of a straight razor…and surviving. It can be a nightmare…can make you lose your mind. Quite simply, that’s when you may need large doses of this:

...to smooth out the rough edges and replace your nightmares with dreams

…to smooth out the rough edges and replace your nightmares with dreams

Now when I leave for work it is almost like a dream. It’s not nightmarish like it was before – opening the gates of hell and deploying out into the Turd of the Orient like a condemned man. The door opens silently and peacefully now. It’s beautiful. Sometimes I wonder if my neighbours or anyone at all actually notices that the obscene screeching has stopped. I like to think they do…but I know they don’t. I can’t worry about that though. I just slip out the door quietly and wait for the elevator, breathing in not the filthy refuse building up like an urban landfill in the building cavity outside…but the luscious, rich, fresh scent of sweet, sweet WD-40. And I don’t let the door slam shut behind me. But why would I? I’m not a stupid ignorant oblivious cunt, after all.

One hinge at a time. Some day this war's gonna end...

I love the smell of WD-40 in the morning…it smells like…smells like victory…

...relief washes over me in an awesome wave...

…relief washes over me in an awesome wave…

The Turd of the Orient

The Turd of the Orient

...crawling, slithering along the edge of a straight razor...and surviving...

…crawling, slithering along the edge of a straight razor…and surviving…

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38 Responses to I Love the Smell of WD-40 in the Morning

  1. Anonymous says:

    Stupid gweilo spending money on something like that!! HAHA, YOU the moron!! (You know that’s what they’re thinking. Either that, or confused by the silent doors and loudly exclaiming HUH?, they rush back to the street to check the entrance again and make sure they are in the right building…every time they come home)

  2. Roly Poly Fish Heads says:

    Same thoughts first time I stepped into one of this buildings, first floors one room prostitutes upper floor for the gents. The gates of hell indeed!

  3. Mike says:

    “When your neighbours treat your general living environment like a sewer and when they show absolutely zero regard for the idea of noise pollution or the concept of ‘other people’…”, it’s time to move.

    The horror… the horror…

  4. There’s nothing wrong with spraying around a little bit of WD-40 while you’re waiting on the paperwork 😉

  5. Anonymous says:

    She’s just slamming doors because she’s a garden variety Hong Kong moron.

    So true. ‘5,000 years of civilisation’ and it’s led to this: stubborn, greedy, utterly selfish morons.

  6. Anonymous says:

    you are utterly racist and i have lived in hong kong for the past 15 years and most of your photos are from other places btw the shark is in Macau not hong kong

  7. Daniel Cheung says:

    Hi I have come across this site as very stereotypical and some of the things you say are exaggerated but true to a degree BTW have you realized the shark in one of your pictures is from Macao. so pleas get your facts right. And if you don’t like the place shut up and leave its none of your business what other people do in their own country you are just a guest in hong kong with no benefit what so ever so people can live their lives the way they want.but just insulting them is a un ethical and dog move to me you are no different. I currently live in hong kong kong and believe in free speech but i am just confused and want to ask if you would please justify some of your statements with evdience thankyou very much and by the way why are you hiding behind the website if you are not a coward

  8. Anonymous says:

    lol what “shark” are you idiots talkin g about? Do you mean the giant inflatible shit? Who cares where the picture is from? It’s being used to represent The Turd of the Orient like the poster says? And in what way have you addressed the disgusting behavior that is docemnted here? Watch out for sharks ok 🙂

  9. Anonymous says:

    Daniel Cheung,

    You said in your above post…

    “And if you don’t like the place shut up and leave its none of your business what other people do in their own country you are just a guest in hong kong with no benefit what so ever so people can live their lives the way they want. but just insulting them is a un ethical and dog move to me you are no different.”

    You are way off! That’s some serious backwards thinking and typical of Hong Kong/Chinese people. People can indeed live their lives the way they want so long as they don’t disturb the lives of others. A simple concept that Hong Kong/Chinese people around the world just can’t seem to grasp.

    My wife and I live in a pretty decent estate here in Hong Kong (not too shabby) and the Hong Kong/Chinese behave like cave people – maybe even worse! Here’s just some of the disturbing shit they do. I could list more but I’d probably smash my computer screen in anger.

    1. The constantly slam their doors shut. Fuck a huge thud. Sounds more like a bomb exploding.

    2. Every time they come home and leave their flats they must announce it to everyone by standing in the corridor for at least 10 minutes screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs. Hong Kong/Chinese like to call this talking.

    3. They put all their shit outside their flat doors even though it’s prohibited by the management. When they are told to kindly keep it in their flats, they throw a temper tantrum and do it anyway.

    4. They hardly ever wrap their rubbish correctly. So when they take it to the bin in the stairwell, it leaks everywhere and smells up the corridor. Some don’t wrap their rubbish at all; they carry it to the rubbish bin – which is even worse. Some just put in a bag and leave it outside their flat door because they’re too fucking lazy to bring it to the bin themselves. The cleaning lady will come and pick it up.

    We’ve made complaints to the management office but nothing changes. In fact, they do it even more! Seems like Hong Kong/Chinese people take pleasure in fucking with others so long as it is not done to them. When they do it, it’s chalked up to culture but if non-Chinese people do it or complain, they are told to fuck off back to their own countries or learn how to respect other cultures.

    Fuck culture & fuck you! You and the people you defend are the unethical ones for justifying this foul behavior and hiding behind your shitty culture. Hong Kong/Chinese people think they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, wherever they want. Their whole way of thinking is unethical to me. Nothing more than foul animals – not all but most!

    BTW – I am not a guest and neither is my wife. We just happen to know the difference between right and wrong.

  10. proudofhongkong says:

    JHC is much better than stores in the West. Every store in JHC is spotlessly clean. Look at poundland or 99p store in britain . Baskets for shopping are horribly dusty. Walls in the shop are dirty as hell.

    People in the mtr are very quiet. They just play with their smartphones. There is no way that they are loud.

    City is very clean to be honest. You get fined for littering. Streets are dirtier in nyc/london. Or look at the empty glass bottles in the bar area of wanchai after wednesday night. It is disrepectful to the locals.

    For anyone who find hk being boring, it has to do with your culture. Students from hk find it boring in the west. They think the west is a place for retirement. Hkers spend most of their time hanging in shopping malls. Hkers don’t want to live in a boring little town in the West. You guys like lamma because it is less metropolitan lol.

    The only thing i can agree with you is the manner of certain locals. They don’t say thank you or please. At first, i find it extremely rude. However, i started to be more observant. I see people open lift doors for others. And they don’t expect a thank you. Maybe that is the way they get along with each other.

  11. Anon says:

    Yes very good points. Its about time Hong Kong was merged with Shenzhen. All those thrilling shopping malls! Then the place would be even more exciting than it is now. Also emigration by HK/Chinese to less exciting cities such as New York, Sydney or London with their awful temperate climates or smaller towns with unpolluted air and clear blue skies and access to open countryside should be prohibited by an amendment to the basic law.

  12. proudofhongkong says:

    The air in the west is cleaner. There are too many skyscapers in hong kong. Not to mention the poorly regulated factories in shenzhen. Polluted air comes from the north to the south. And it is trapped in a concrete jungle.

    Someone mentioned don’t be fooled by the 4 day trip in hk. Living in here is a completely different story. I could say the same for the west. Everyone has a different life style. A young hker can stand living in the west for few years. Eventually, he misses the fast paced life back home

  13. proudofhongkong says:

    No one insults JHC. Don’t you dare lol.

  14. proudofhongkong says:

    Spraying wd40 to fix the door is a very white thing to do. You guys own houses. If there is anything wrong with your house, you guys fix it yourself. You have to understand that now you are living in a building with 100s of other families. It is more efficient to tell the management to sort it out.

    About the rubbish. It is unacceptable by HK standard as well. It seems the management of your housing estate has done a very poor job. Sham shui po is the worst area in hong kong. Don’t live there just because of the price. Tai koo is one of the better places for middle class. However, it is bloody expensive to live there now.

  15. Anon says:

    So are you saying people in Hong Kong don’t know how to take personal responsibility when they have a small problem? They just refer it to a management committee instead of using some initiative?

    Your posts seem full of generalisations about Hong Kong and Western cities. Wouldn’t you rather have a walkable city such as some you find in Europe for example rather than your kids growing up with respiratory problems and endemic myopia?

  16. proudofhongkong says:

    Every one uses a different method to tackle the same problem. Let alone people from 2 completely different culture. Life is more relaxed in the West. Fixing fences in the garden or cutting grasses are something luxurious to hongkongers. Hongkongers would think wow westerners’ way of living is so laid back. In HK, most people have to be tortured by work. It is rare to see someone finish work at 5.

    We didn’t get to choose. Flats are ridiculously expensive in here. If we don’t get a well paid job, we would end up living in OP’s area. Advice to all expats. Live in Tai koo if you have the bucks. It worths the price. Don’t go for some shitty areas like mongkok or sham shui po.

    I have a friend who lived in britain when he was little. He had asthma when he was in the uk. When he returned home, symptoms dissappeared. Air in britain is obvoiusly cleaner. Hong kong is warmer though. So it is different for different people

  17. Anonymous says:

    Source of locals main problem is being uncivilized, lack of any sort of responsibility and being hyper superficial.
    All this is seen as a problem anywhere in the world, but here is totally acceptable.
    Keep up with he good work OP.

  18. proudofhongkong says:

    Op mentioned that mainlanders like squatting indoors. Well, i see certain group of people like squatting in the mtr. I am not talking about the mainlanders. Definitely not the locals. This is seen as a problem in here. But it is definitely suitable in another culture 🙂

  19. HK Mall Island says:

    You recognize the locals thanks to their ineptitude to argue. All their arguments are flat, boring and do not even come close to make a point. Whenever you point at something wrong with them they will start pointing at the mainlanders. They do realize they are even worse than them. On top of being uneducated (having a degree does not mean you have manners), they are the most selfish people I have seen in the world. It is a rat culture, banging the door just for the sake of it is very homo sapiens style, HERE I AM HEAR ME.

    When the anonymous dude saying HK people work hard he couldn’t be more wrong. They are the most retarded people I came across, they can not think for themselves, unless you have a step by step notice, bunch of idiots. They work long hours because they can not compute simple things, they are minions and that is why we bring expats to do their own fucking works. Country of morons, mentality of rats, only me me and my family. The guy earlier arguing spending time in Mall is the big thing, man just STFU you idiot. Western countries are boring for Chinese people because you are unable to mix with other culture, you are the cancer of this world yet you think you are on top of everything.

    Proudofhongkong, your argumentation is close to Chinese government when it comes to occupy HK, you are lavishing your rat culture. Look around you, you stupid Chinese fuck haven’t invented anything, the building are made by European companies, the biggest banks are not from HK, the cars are made outside your shitty island. You have nothing you can claim is coming from you, you used to have but you are so far up your arse you do not realize how shitty HK became, it is a big mall for mainlanders, a nation of greedy cunts where getting 30% in rent is fine because this is the way it is. You do not question anything because you are so dumb. Even your protest are brainless, you are the lowest common denominator of intelligence and humanity in the world.

  20. allblacksheep says:

    Dude!!! This is so spot on, I was crying laughing. Especially about your neighbour. I feel your pain!!

  21. AAUSAAA says:

    HK Mall Island- I love you.

    Daniel Cheung please shut up and go home. Thanks.

  22. Anonymous says:

    ‘“When your neighbours treat your general living environment like a sewer and when they show absolutely zero regard for the idea of noise pollution or the concept of ‘other people’…”, it’s time to move.’

    I totally agree with post above. Ladies and gentlemen, it is totally fruitless to even try to argue with this people. The post accurately describes only one of the many bad and abhorrent aspects related to the Chinese mentality. There are many more which isn’t worth a mention here, but I am very aware of the extent that this people can be dissimulated and how insidious their ways are to get what they want. One cannot teach cockroaches to lead a healthier life style, nor one can argue with them. They are what they are, and if in their millenar history they didn’t learn the basic concept of respect and consideration for others, it’s not now that they are going to change. Especially now that they think they have power in their hands in terms of financial assets. The best we can do is to make an educated decision to leave this Turd of the Orient at our earliest convenience and, from our dreadful experiences, be very well informed about what this people really is all about (with rare exceptions) to prevent, whatever way we can, them from spreading their disgraceful manners and unscrupulous ways in our own countries. Because they are set on invading our countries, use our resources, our education, etc., for their filthy and selfish means. We really need to be cautious with them because they can very well pose a real threat at our own homes.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Proudofhongkong, let me see this: “Spraying wd40 to fix the door is a very white thing to do. You guys own houses. If there is anything wrong with your house, you guys fix it yourself. You have to understand that now you are living in a building with 100s of other families. It is more efficient to tell the management to sort it out.”

    So you’re saying that after weeks of hell on earth with a horribly noisy gate, and knowing full well that it’s such an easy fix by using a little WD 40 but appalled by the fact that nobody gives a fuck about it and choose to ignore it. Take the simple and educated step of spending a few dollars to buy it and spray on the hinges not only for your own sanity, but for the benefit of others is a very white thing to do. Well, you’re absolutely right!!! What you forgot to mention is that not doing anything about it, which is extremely selfish and inconsiderate, or waiting for an inefficient management office to fix it is at best moronic. But hey, that’s exactly what you are.

    Let me see this: “However, i started to be more observant. I see people open lift doors for others. And they don’t expect a thank you. Maybe that is the way they get along with each other.”

    Do you Really??? I don’t and in my 5 years in this horrible place, full of horrible and disgraceful people, I haven’t seen people holding the lift doors for other people ONE single time. All I see them doing is pressing the close door button in a hurry to try and shut it as quickly as possible, and I guess they must take an orgasmic pleasure if they manage to shut the lift door at someone’s face when this other person is trying to get to the lift carrying heavy supermarket shopping bags. In many occasions the idiot who received this “kindness” from the lovely chinese people was me. Fucking assholes!!! You really deserve the turd you live in.

  24. 15wongnh1 says:

    To be honest, I do try to hold the door for people each time. Of course, I’ve learned to not hold the door for too long or you’ll look like a moron after 5 minutes.

    Also, Anonymous, you put up some good points, but…uh…you’re slowly looking like a racist each time you post.

  25. Anonymous says:

    Ok, Nicholas Wong, or 15wongnh1, let me tell you this. Do you really know what is a racist remark in Hong Kong? “Gweilo”. Yes boy! Let me give you a small insight into the real world out there. “Gweilo” is just as racist as if you call a black man “Nigger”. Now, if you ever make into the UK (which is probably what you’re striving for once you get into your A Levels), and you are lucky enough to get a job in an office in UK after leaving uni, make sure you never call your black workmate “Nigger”, even if you think there’s no harm in it. After all it is just a word, or a light-hearted expression, right? Not really. If you call your black workmate “Nigger” you’ll be lucky to get away with just fair dismissal, or dismissals for conduct reasons, and not a criminal record. “Gweilo” is taken by us, white people, light-heartedly over here because we know very well about the ridiculous ignorance of your country men. Some will refer to white men, fellow office workmate, in Hong Kong as “Gweilo” with complete sincerity. I have heard it in my office many times. Racism is one thing my boy, facts about the Chinese mentality is very different thing. Got it? Try to smart up.

  26. Anonymous says:

    Well Hong Kong does suck if you have no money and have to live in a shithole building like you obviously do. Can’t afford to live somewhere decent? Or just to scared to live somewhere with no foreign faces, so you can only afford a shoebox in some stupid gweilo area like mid levels?

    And seriously you have to post about squeaky doors? I didn’t bother to read the whole thing but it really sounds like you need to get a life. Go out and get drunk like all the dumb foreigners do and you won’t notice it anymore. The locals will think you’re even more of a piece of shit loser when you stagger down the street, but you don’t care right.

    It’s been said many times before in the comments here, but it bears repeating ad infinitum: if you don’t like it here, fuck off home.

    And if economic circumstances have forced you to be here, in a place you hate, then your life well and truly sucks. What a fucking sad idiot you are.

  27. Steve says:

    You again, anonymous. Your blunt, tactless, black and white logic don’t compute you bottom feeding straw grasper. Your ability to deal in such gross stereotype and narrow minded hackney is surpassed only by your own bitterness and sad anger at what is a bubbly, upbeat, joyful tongue in cheek ribbing of a ‘city’, not you or anyone else as an individual. Play the ball dickhead, not the man. What a fucking Hong Kong loser you prove yourself to be.

  28. Anonymous says:

    Sure I’ll play the ball if you do too. Why the fuck are you here.

  29. Steve says:

    That’s just a bitter angry question from a jealous racist. I’m here making shit tins of cash and having some fun trolling the likes of you along the way. It’s great!

  30. Gweilos suck says:

    It’s great? Living in a place you hate? OK.

  31. Mattstar says:

    Mid Levels is not a gwielo ghetto. It is maybe 95% Chinese. Shows how dumb cowardly fools like ‘Anonymous’ and ‘Gweilos suck’ are…they don’t even know their own city let alone the world…if they think Mid Levels is at all international…they need help. BTW..gweilo suck…ever thought that all that’s best here in HK in terms of man made stuff…is thanks to gweilos!!! You should maybe get on your knees and pray they don’t all leave?

  32. Mattstar says:

    Just read some of ‘Proudofhongkong’s posts…hilarious..what a fuckwit-fool! No experience of real life, soft and weak, expects other people to help him. It’s more fun when local half wits come on and think they have some sort of clue!

  33. Gweilos suck says:

    Yeah gweilos are great (I think you’re talking about white people though). So why don’t the locals love us? It’s just not fair I tell you. It’s almost enough to drive a man to create a rageful blog.

  34. HK Mall Island says:

    Gweilo suck with his argument as empty as a hk head. As powerful as Hong Kong Democracy, and as subtle as Cantonese. Ga go go laaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    Normal talk in HK, why talk when you can scream your lungs out. It is not a rageful blo it is called a documentary. Of course you would know what this mean if you lived in a democracy. You’re fucked, enjoy living in your shoe box flat next to a mall, a 711, a cdc, watsons and circle K, gleat city for ENTLEPLENEUL, except no

  35. Anonymous says:

    Daniel Cheung says:
    June 18, 2015 at 8:54 am
    “…BTW have you realized the shark in one of your pictures is from Macao.”

    You freaking Chinese must be really blind, that’s why you all drive like fucking idiots on the roads. “Shark” is in fact a huge pile of shit… and if you care to open your fucking slanty eyes the ICC tower is right behind it in one of the pics. That I think is located in Hong Kong, not in Macao.

  36. Anonymous says:

    “Pearl of the Orient” = Philippines

  37. Gweilos suck says:

    Haha go there please

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