Hong Kong Barbeque Shitsplat

The shitsplat

The shitsplat

Recycling means we should bring as much plastic & trash as possible

Recycling means we should bring as much plastic & trash as possible. The more we bring the more we can recycle and that makes good practical sense for the environment…right? Just try your best! Recycle more!

Doing our bit for recycling & the environment

Doing our bit for recycling & the environment…a thousand disposable plates, spoons and bags at a time!

The idea of the Hong Kong Barbeque is to get as much plastic as you can from your house to the BBQ pit. You and your stupid friends have to make sure that you are each armed with enough plastic to not only wipe out everything that swims in the ocean, flies in the air or walks on the ground…but to see to it that your incredible filth scraps stain, blight and defile what should be ‘a nice spot to have a BBQ’ for every other person there. But of course, there are no ‘nice spots’ to have a BBQ. In Hong Kong, there are only horrific, prison-like concrete sties, swimming and choking in the fetid juices and oozing melted sinew of a thousand blister-ridden animal segments, a million discarded plastic wrappers, plastic bags and plastic utensils. But none of that matters, because in the eyes of super practical Hong Kongers, the more trash and plastic you can bring to the party, the better recycling works and the better off the environment is. And that’s why soon after every Hong Kong barbeque gets under way, it turns into one of the biggest and most heinous shitsplats you’ll ever see.

The bright red giblets are mouthwatering

Mouthwatering! Eerily red giblets, framed by a setting of thick scum covered skank.

Step 1 is to lay a base of plastic and then to get serious with more plastic. But you can’t just grab any old plastic. That wouldn’t be very Hong Kong. You have to make sure that everything you bring is grossly overpackaged and wrapped like environmentally unfriendly Russian dolls. The more layers of plastic wrap and packaging an item has, the more you are contributing to the success of recycling. Super practical. That’s how they roll in Hong Kong.

Plastic

Plastic…warm soft drink…meat…trash…litter…it’s shaping up to be another great day

Lay a base of plastic. Try not to touch any surface with your hands or you'll probably be spending the night in the hospital recovering from hepititas or dissentry

Lay a base of plastic. Try not to touch any surface with your hands or you’ll be spending the night in hospital fighting hepatitis and dysentery

Doing our bit for the environment

Barbequing HK style means beautiful scenery, a pleasant environment and more plastic than a dildo factory.

Have hobos been living here? For a month?

.Step 2 is to empty a bag of charcoal into the abused black hole of a squalid blood and gut stained BBQ, being careful not to touch any of the greasy, dysentery besmirched concrete surrounding it. Good luck!

Lovely

Look at that…just look at that…look at that scum

Step 3 is to stab a miniature devil’s pitch fork through whatever sorry looking animal you brought, smear it with cheap honey or oil and hold it inside the flame of the toxic fire starter cubes you just ignited. There you will let it burn, bubble, ooze and drip until it’s half cooked. Then you’ll eat it with your mouth wide open while yelling and screeching with your friends. You’ll all be talking at the same time and bits of semi-cooked animal will start to fill the gaps in your teeth and or fly out of your mouth like sleazy sticking spitballs. But you won’t notice any of that or the hobo style trashdump that’s piling up around you because you’ll be too busy stabbing another repugnant looking piece of carcass to cook because barbequing is FUN and being in nature is FUN!

Stab the meat chunks and stick them in the fire

Burn it real good…but only on the outside…if it looks cooked on the outside…it is.

It sure doesn’t get any better than this

By step 4, the meat is all gone. You’ve gorged yourself to the point of ridiculousness on hair studded pork giblets, fishballs full of crushed scale, jugular red chicken entrails, 50c steak looking things also coloured an eerie red, chemically unsound meat noodles, more pork flavoured chips than a corrupt Macau casino, warm coke, honey smeared pig snouts, sausages barely fit for dogs, hocks, trotters, whole legs and singed ocotpus heads…and now it’s time to really get down to business with some serious plastic unwrapping…some serious recycling. So you open a packet of labyrinthian wrapped biscuits which you’re going to open-mouth smack on. You’re going to manage to actually make eating a biscuit sound like slurping a bowl of soup. Sshhhlllluuuuppp sssschhmmaaaakksss sssshhhhhlllluuuuuppppp is how you’ll sound…and this is how you’ll look:

So anyway, yeah I'm having fun at this gathering this food is so delicious

So anyway, yeah I’m having fun at this gathering and this food is so delicious what do you think?

Yes this gathering is so great!

Yes this gathering is so great!

…and your friends will take photos of you like that. You’ll all take photos like that. And you’ll post them on Facebook along with the shots of you holding whole live lobsters up to your open mouth from the time you visited the staggeringly dirty Sai Kung area (a visit you enjoyed immensely)…there’ll be shots of you cracking undersized crabs and sucking half a gram’s worth of meat out of their poor undersized legs, thumbs up, grinning like some kind of ghoul…and of you being fed sushi in front of 400 oblivious witnesses at HK Immigration. Everybody will like your snapshots and you’ll like theirs because having a BBQ in nature is FUN and taking photos of people biting into undercooked giblet cuts is FUN too!

Scenic & hygienic

Scenic…hygienic…fantastic

A family of 4 has every base covered with this impressive cache of trash

A family of 4 has every base covered with this impressive cache of trash

We love nature!

We had so much fun we didn’t even notice how disgusting and prison yard-like the BBQ site was

Being fed sushi in the middle of HK Immigration.

Being fed sushi in the middle of HK Immigration.

...shots of you cracking undersized crabs and sucking half a gram's worth of meat out of their poor undersized legs, thumbs up, grinning like some kind of ghoul (or moron as the case may be)...

…shots of you cracking undersized crabs and sucking half a gram’s worth of meat out of their poor undersized legs, thumbs up, grinning like some kind of ghoul (or moron as the case may be)…

At the end of the day, when you look around and slowly emerge from your meat binge induced stupor and realize that you’ve just participated in yet another depraved Hong Kong Barbeque Shitsplat and you start to ‘dry reach’ balls of vomit into the back of your mouth and gag at the sight of the abomination you have helped create, there’s a chance that you’ll take pause and ask yourself if having a BBQ needs to be as big a shitsplat as this. But you don’t pause. And you don’t ask. Because you and all your friends are hungry again and want to hurry off to the nearest restaurant to EAT SOME MORE.

Janitors start the cleanup

Time to shine. Janitors start the cleanup

You make a half-hearted effort to clean up, but you don’t really care…you know that as soon as you’re gone, brown skinned janitors will skulk out of their holes and start doing the dirty work for you. Because that’s how you roll in Hong Kong. All you know is that BBQ gathering is FUN! You’ll leave obscene amounts of plastic behind. And maybe that’s the best thing to come out of the shitsplat, because as all practical Hong Kongers know…more plastic is good for recycling and recycling is good for the planet and the planet is nature and having a BBQ gathering in nature is FUN!

Hong Kong BBQ favourite cuts

Hong Kong BBQ favourite cuts

Recycling alive and well

Recycling alive and well. There’s just no other logical reason to explain why Hong Kongers cart so much plastic with them to have a BBQ. The only possible explanation is that they think they are somehow doing their bit for recycling…either that or they are just stupid mindless dipshits.

Perfect

Another half-hearted clean up attempt

. And that, as they say, is that…the HK BBQ…

Splat!

This post brought to you by privilige, opulence and exclusivity.

This post brought to you by privilege, opulence and exclusivity. Anyone know ‘what’s wrong with this picture’? I think it says a lot about Hong Kong, myself. Yep, sure do.

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9 Responses to Hong Kong Barbeque Shitsplat

  1. herb w says:

    Wonder if this will ever catch on in HK OR China………https://www.facebook.com/theugl.yindian

  2. Don Quixote says:

    such elegance, such grace, Hong Kong Asia’s world city…

  3. Dumpling Blooms says:

    I laughed from start to finish…still laughing.

  4. Aussie says:

    As a foreigner, I too was shocked and appalled at waste. There is absolutely no need to generate this much garbage and then to leave it as little is bloody disgusting.
    The second thing that shocked me was the absolute lowest grade of BBQ meat was rejoiced over. In the west good meat is synonymous with cut, quality etc in Hong Kong it about the dollar. If you bring sausages, meatballs etc the first thing they will ask is the price. Locals think it is absurd to pay a lot of money on meat. Love your posts! Very funny and always bang on. Keep it up, it gives me solace.

  5. James wong says:

    Ha ha,clearly, It’s Hong kong.
    For example,CCP members try to seemed snobbish and strict(sometimes cruel)to their lower people in Beijing. But their attitude have changed wild in HK.
    The only parting expression like this is possible in this city.Ha ha
    Good luck. Bye

  6. HK mall island says:

    they’re even dirtier than the monkeys around Lions rock emptying the bins around the bbq site.

  7. Matty says:

    always cook the meat from frozen and directly in the naked flame, especially if its chicken, then crunch through the think black crust ..

  8. alain says:

    Brilliant post, good writing style.

    I don’t get how they condescend to mainlanders, at least mainlanders have some excuse in that they have been rapidly moved from the agrarian world into a more westernized modern world, without having had due dilligence or time to learn proper etiquette or manners. But HKers have had what, 150 years of british rule, and 18 years since 1997 as a so called “world city” of Asia.

    Last lantern festival, it was all HKers who left rubbish on the beaches, not mainlanders.

  9. WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU MY NAME says:

    i live in hk and this is SOOOOOO FUNNY

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