Sometimes, when I have a free hour or two, I enjoy nothing more than getting out on the happy, bubbling streets of Hong Kong for a nice old stroll. Talk about fun. More fun than lancing a boil! More fun than a clown on fire! It’s the most frigging fun you can have with your pants on…
…which is interesting, as we will see, because in Hong Kong you often find hoards of people queuing up to jam on in, skin to skin, into public elevators that travel…one floor. And, I ask myself why…why are these people so keen to avoid a few stairs in favour of lining up and cramming into a small enclosed space only to stare blankly into the eyes of a bunch of strangers while other strangers spoon them from behind?
Well, the answer I came up with, of course…is that they enjoy it. It’s fully clothed fun for all…and the more the merrier, as they say. The smaller the room…the tighter the spoon! A cube full of cushion…the sweeter the pushin’! It ends up that what I think is happening here is a bit of good old-fashioned frottage…or as enthusiasts like to call it…elevator frottage.
Let’s take a look at the evidence…
Here’s what we can observe:
1. Too many fucking jackets and jumpers and wind-breakers. It’s not cold yet. Restricts frottage.
2. A strange, willingness to queue up. Half these people probably joined the line instinctively…petrified that by not getting to the head of it, they would miss out on something.
3. The other half are anticipating the coming frottage possibilities.
4. People at the end of the queue who have already done the maths and realised that there are probably too many people ahead of them to be guaranteed a spot on the next trip down…and who are happy as Larry to stand there in line like a moron while the elevator goes down, empties a pile of frotteurs, picks up another pile of frotteurs, comes back up, empties them out and is only then finally ready to take them the one floor trip down to the MTR that they have been avoiding like the plague in favour of lining up and spooning with people they don’t know.
5. A lack of invalids or anybody who looks like they actually need an elevator. Sure there’s one or two old people in this particular picture…but as many of you no doubt know…age has nothing to do with queueing in Hong Kong. Nor does the love for cramming into tight spaces with strangers.
6. Sloth. Just bone idle laziness.
Anyway…there it is…my question answered. Why do Hong Kongers love to queue up so that they can jam themselves into small public elevators to travel a couple of metres? In summary…because they are stupid lazy fucks, queueing is instinctive and they enjoy rubbing against strangers to satisfy the lack of human warmth and humanity in their dirty, soulless city…happy & bubbling I mean…happy & bubbling city.
Finally, how could we leave without a cheerio to our democratic friends fighting the good fight all over the streets of Hong Kong?! God speed, peace & love my buddies…only you can save HK from these barbaric mainland tourists and their designer shopping suitcases…
…and with a little help from Mr Democracy, we can vote these loathesome, filthy savages out too…
Hong Kong for Hong Kongers!
Frottage of the HK people, by the HK people and for the HK people!
See you in the elevator 😉