HONG KONG: Elevator Frottage

Could a penchant for frottage be the reason for elevator obsession among HK people?

Could a penchant for frottage be the reason for this ungodly obsession with elevators?

Sometimes, when I have a free hour or two, I enjoy nothing more than getting out on the happy, bubbling streets of Hong Kong for a nice old stroll. Talk about fun. More fun than lancing a boil! More fun than a clown on fire! It’s the most frigging fun you can have with your pants on…

…which is interesting, as we will see, because in Hong Kong you often find hoards of people queuing up to jam on in, skin to skin, into public elevators that travel…one floor. And, I ask myself why…why are these people so keen to avoid a few stairs in favour of lining up and cramming into a small enclosed space only to stare blankly into the eyes of a bunch of strangers while other strangers spoon them from behind?

Well, the answer I came up with, of course…is that they enjoy it. It’s fully clothed fun for all…and the more the merrier, as they say. The smaller the room…the tighter the spoon! A cube full of cushion…the sweeter the pushin’! It ends up that what I think is happening here is a bit of good old-fashioned frottage…or as enthusiasts like to call it…elevator frottage.

Let’s take a look at the evidence…

Orderly anticipation of 4 seconds worth of frottage action?

Orderly anticipation of 4 seconds worth of frottage style elevator action? LOL you couldn’t swing a damn cat in that elevator…but the frottage…ohhhh the frottage…

Here’s what we can observe:

1. Too many fucking jackets and jumpers and wind-breakers. It’s not cold yet. Restricts frottage.

2. A strange, willingness to queue up. Half these people probably joined the line instinctively…petrified that by not getting to the head of it, they would miss out on something.

3. The other half are anticipating the coming frottage possibilities.

4. People at the end of the queue who have already done the maths and realised that there are probably too many people ahead of them to be guaranteed a spot on the next trip down…and who are happy as Larry to stand there in line like a moron while the elevator goes down, empties a pile of frotteurs, picks up another pile of frotteurs, comes back up, empties them out and is only then finally ready to take them the one floor trip down to the MTR that they have been avoiding like the plague in favour of lining up and spooning with people they don’t know.

5. A lack of invalids or anybody who looks like they actually need an elevator. Sure there’s one or two old people in this particular picture…but as many of you no doubt know…age has nothing to do with queueing in Hong Kong. Nor does the love for cramming into tight spaces with strangers.

6. Sloth. Just bone idle laziness.

Going down?

The only human contact some busy Hong Kongers get (because FUCK ME Hong Kong is FAST OK!) is in the elevator with stone cold strangers…and they love it. PS. Frottage is not to be confused with ‘mopery’, which as everybody should know, is exposing yourself to a blind person.

Anyway…there it is…my question answered. Why do Hong Kongers love to queue up so that they can jam themselves into small public elevators to travel a couple of metres? In summary…because they are stupid lazy fucks, queueing is instinctive and they enjoy rubbing against strangers to satisfy the lack of human warmth and humanity in their dirty, soulless city…happy & bubbling I mean…happy & bubbling city.

Ohhhh the humanity...thousands of locals line up for the one floor trip up to the Apple shop to buy phones.

Ohhhh the humanity…thousands of locals line up for the one floor trip up to the Apple shop to buy phones. The frottage was intense.

Finally, how could we leave without a cheerio to our democratic friends fighting the good fight all over the streets of Hong Kong?! God speed, peace & love my buddies…only you can save HK from these barbaric mainland tourists and their designer shopping suitcases…

…and with a little help from Mr Democracy, we can vote these loathesome, filthy savages out too…

Hong Kong for Hong Kongers!
Frottage of the HK people, by the HK people and for the HK people!

See you in the elevator 😉

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24 Responses to HONG KONG: Elevator Frottage

  1. Anonymous says:

    Well I’d like to say it’s number 6 ’cause only lazy f***s would feel the need to constantly trumpet to foreigners how hard working HK’ers are but the real reason is the secret underground world of elevator button pushing. These guys all race to hit that button like it’s a contest. So I think there must be some betting going on to see how many times you can hit the “close” button before the next dumb-ass hits it. BTW, your use of the word “mathS” reveals your identity as a Brit. I assumed you were a Yank. I love you all the same.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Try getting on an elevator last and block the buttons. Just stand there waiting for the door to close without pushing the close button. You will witness a palpable sense of anxiety building behind you as you tear precious seconds away from the throng of frotters seeking to reach their destination as FAST as possible. Good times. It’s the little things, after all.

  3. Sweetandsour says:

    I enjoy doing the fake stand up on the crowded MTR. ie stand up (just for a stretch, of course), and then plonk yourself back down in your seat just before one of those rude leeches (ie the totally non disabled and non old guys that cant stand for one station) pounces on it. Small pleasures like this make HK tolerable.

  4. Anon says:

    Can I make a suggestion for another post…very overt public displays of affection. I see it on the MTR, in the street, in the elevator… oh pretty much everywhere really. I’m not a prude but it always looks so forced, for show, and at the end of the day who wants to look at two sappy teenage-adults clinging on to each other like they are about to fall over. It’s strange…this doesn’t piss me off anywhere else apart from HK, where even something simple like holding hands seems fake fake fake…oh and please, put your fucking phone away for one minute of your life you, you never know you might learn something about social interaction. Ahhh, I feel better now 🙂

  5. Sweetandsour says:

    The reason for PDA is because they dont have a house to go to. Thanks “KY” Leung for creating a homeless generation.

  6. Anonymous says:

    This made me lol so hard because it is so true. Also I like to toss in that within a month stay in HK I had witness 2 different occasion of a guy beating a girl on the street and everyone who sees it would just ignore and watch or walk away….and the police would take forever to show up..guess woman beating is a thing now in hongkong.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Bigoted/ignorant views towards and entire cities population. Based on what seems to be observations of small groups of people. In a non-holistic or narrow view of certain situations.

    1 . I am almost certain if you were to walk around the corner you would see as many if not more people using stairs or the escalators. There could be a huge array of reasons for people to use lifts. Not in a rush, prefer the lift. may have difficulty walking. don’t want to use the stairs laziness perhaps? What i will say about that is I am guessng you probably use the escalator over stairs. Does that make you a “stupid lazy fuck?’. The list could go on for a while.

    2. Waiting in line is a system which is implemented in societies for fairness, is it not?. Don’t think that its a bad thing at all. In a matter of fact by you insinuating that instictivly queuing up for something in a dumb thing to do. I am assuming you think any country in the world where this happens people are morons? hmmm …

    3. Also by your statement “it isn’t even cold yet” also your general tone of ignorance towards the city/the people/ and way of life suggests that you are not from Hong Kong (be you Chinese/western or whatever). The jackets thing is a funny comment (personally one of my favourites) I hear lots from expats. I totally get it. Where they maybe from its much colder so they may be accustomed to it. I believe everything is relative to what your life experiences are and also what you are accustomed to. So don’t you think its totally reasonable that people react and are affected by temperatures differently? I hear these same expats (not to generalse saying all expats. Just people like your self who make these comments) when the heat/humidity of summer hits start to complain (totally unbearable). But some (not all) HK people don’t shed a drop of sweat. Interesting?

    4. Living in HK for a while now have we? Still don’t understand why generally people perspective of personal space my be different than yours (or lets say some one who’s clearly used to having more space)? This is one of the most densely populated cities in the world. When you are born in a small space, grow up in a small space, live/work/travel and eat in small spaces its normal. Surly you can understand this logic (its simple)? I guess we don’t live in a typical HK style apartment? I guess I can understand why you may feel this way. Probably have a lush apartment with 800 Sq ft+ in mid levels?

    The best thing about this Blog post is seeing how your ignorant and narrow perceptions of the world around you clearly effect your life. How enraged by an orderly line you have be come to write a blog post about it. Inadvertently it has actually highlighted some of the most unique and amazing things about HK and our people patience, organised. respectful.

    Also dirt city? Ha please….

    Pack your bags and leave.

  8. Excellent. Now read the other 70 posts and make your apologies for the rest of the atrocities associated with this filthy human holding pen. 😉

  9. Anonymous says:

    I agree with that poster. HK people have a unique sense of personal space and it’s fucked up. Let’s not spin that to make it seem as if it’s the result of their environment. That’s like saying Mike Tyson raped some girl bc he was a violent boxer. HK people talk and talk about manners and “rude” Mainlanders when they themselves are more uncouth. Where’s the excuse? Mainlanders are new to that shit. HK’ers had the British and guess what? They still have bloody awful manners: eating like pigs, burping loudly in public, not bathing, not cleaning their clothes in the winter, line jumping (while complaining about Mainlanders doing it too), and on and on. Part of the silliness of lines in HK is that if you just had fucking ATMs that worked for more than one function you’d have far less lines. How can a city be so modern and so fucking backwards with the ATMS? Special machines to do deposits? Passbook machines? WTF? What westerner stood in line at a bank in years and then in HK has to stand in line for simple transactions ’cause the ATMs can’t do that stuff. The most HK thing a HK person can do is make excuses for their awfulness. It’s always something. There’s always an excuse never mind that there are uniquely HK things that are awful and which other people in other parts of the world are not doing. So what’s the uniquely HK reason for not holding a door for someone in the mall? Fear of germs HK’er? Hmm, that’s funny. Your clothes haven’t been washed for a year but you are so afraid of germs that you cannot be arsed to even push the door open for the person behind you?

  10. Anonymous says:

    And how many bloody cold winters does the city have to endure before someone finally says “maybe these buildings need some central heating systems”? Yes, you need jackets bc it is bloody cold but why dont’ you tell ur bosses to not run the AC all year round.

  11. Anonymous says:

    A modern city where people need to buy space heaters like Alabama trailer trash. What is wrong with you people? You pay 30000 hk per month for a flat wtih no heat and buy a 200 hk space heater to heat the fucking thing? Is this the 1950s in Hong Kong? And P.S. people complain about the humidity int he summer ’cause of the fucking lack of hygeiene. Complaining about the heat is a polite way of sayign that the local cretins on the MTR don’t wash their bloody fucking armpts (nor their clothes).

  12. Creamy Poon says:

    I love you guys so much. I think that this blog is the only thing that keeps me sane in this shithole.

  13. Anonymous says:

    Anonymous dated December 17, 2014 at 12:27pm closes his/her post with…

    “Inadvertently it has actually highlighted some of the most unique and amazing things about HK and our people patience, organised. respectful.”

    What city do you live? Seems like you’ve been drinking the cool aide for way too long. The double standards here are off the charts! The crap the locals and Mainlanders get away with would most likely get them in trouble in other parts of the world. Ever wonder why there’s a Chinatown in almost every other major city in the world? Chinese people just don’t assimilate well with others. And when called on their foul behavior, it’s always conveniently chalked up to “culture”.

    Treat others the way you would like to be treated. This is the golden rule, a rule which most people in Hong Kong don’t seem to bother following. Worst part is they don’t care either. Not an ounce of respect or courtesy is on offer in this place.

    Patient, respectful, organised…really? How about intolerant, indecorous and incompetent.

    Why don’t you pack your bags fuck off somewhere?

  14. Kamikaze says:

    Your view is sharp !

  15. mach chan says:

    remind the yesterday of Hong kong, We were knackered during the war.
    Also too easy to investigated by cops and thinked too dodgy and we were good at dodgy balls.
    A lot of nutters have lost their words and sentences from their brain get throw a spanner in the works.
    Lately, there were no gobsmacked or special news? for us.
    And now, I’m going to take kip on the bed.

  16. mach chan says:

    And get the fuck, plonkers.
    We had no chances for realize our own onions.
    We were not skive.
    Bilmey, get the fuck.
    You have lost the plot of yourself.
    And can’t recall what we have tried what noshes we have.
    Dimsums? Bangers?
    Get knackered in work and get plastered by drink.
    What heavens or paradise? Bob’s your uncle there.
    We have arse overtit.
    Also everybody in here must be unemployee because they are wonky and
    not toff and write the comment because they have been just taking the piss.

  17. Anonymous says:

    That is some James Joyce-level word-play there my man! Please do not attempt to actually learn how to write English or otherwise the world would be robbed of your gift.
    “We had no chances for realize our own onions.”
    I know, right? That was what I’ve been saying all along.

  18. James wong says:

    Actually I haven’t been in here and I lived in another place.
    In reality, I’ve spent my youth in Italy. But I realized I’m from Hong kong or
    other towns of Cantonese province when i was 16 years old.
    To tell the story it will be little long.

  19. Chris G says:

    春天網球長生不老
    八字腳橘皮

  20. Mattstar says:

    What a great site. So much truth. It is easy to start thinking up is down here and get sucked into the nonsense, this site delivers sanity. Thank you so much.

  21. Kim says:

    HK people are one of the laziest I’ve ever seen. So much truth on this website. Thank you Google for bringing me here.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Fuck off

  23. Anonymous says:

    Fucking mainlander

  24. Trapped says:

    This is too funny. My gf is from HK and I was thinking this was a unique problem. However, now I see its not her problem but a cultural issue. I couldn’t stop laughing reading these blogs.

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