Hong Kong: Breaking News

What a scoop! Hong Kong Sucks has just received a leaked document purporting to detail the short list for the 2017 Chief Executive Elections. I really don’t know what all the fuss is about. Talk about spoilt for choice! It looks like Beijing has kicked nothing but goals in hand picking the candidates for Hong Kong. Each one is more eligible than the last and the public exposure of this explosive document is sure to not only send a pleasant ripple of calm and satisfaction through the protesting masses…but send them dutifully on home, chuckling bashfully, at their rash mistrust of righteous China. So, here it is…or should I say, here they are…the 2017 nominees for Chief Executive of Hong Kong. Happy voting, voters!

Candidate 1: Mr Wang Shoxin

Minister of Finance Wang Shoxin

Minister of Finance Wang Shoxin

Name:              Wang Shoxin
Position:         Minister of Finance, Sociopath
Strengths:      bribery, kickbacks, theft, misappropriation, misspending of public funds, graft,  embezzlement, backdoor deals, nepotism, statistical falsification, money laundering
Weaknesses: hookers
Philosophy:   More money equals more hookers


Candidate 2: Yan ‘Dancing Dave’ Binyu

Procurators-General of the Supreme People's Procuratorate Yan Binyu

Procurators-General of the Supreme People’s Procuratorate Yan Binyu

Name:           Yan Binyu
Alias:            Dancing Dave
Position:     Procurators-General of the Supreme People’s Procuratorate (Alibi Fabrication)
Hobbies:     Perverting the course of justice, official deviance, misuse of power, institutional structural corruption, precognitive thought crime retribution, dancing
Prediction: Quick on his feet, nimble and evasive, Dancing Dave stands a good chance.


Candidate 3: Chan Liangyau

5th Member of the Politburo Chan Liangyau

5th Member of the Politburo Chan Liangyau

Name:                  Chan Liangyau
Achievements: Failed to adapt to a changing environment in the post-Mao era, successfully perverted the legitimacy of data collection of standardised surveys aimed at documenting the scope of corruption in the CCP
Interests:            ‘hits’, character assassination, fraud, swindling, pyramid schemes
Personal Goal: to shoot a tiger and have its head mounted in my kitchen


Candidate 4: Jackie Chan

Let's clean up this town!

Let’s clean up this town!

Name:             Jackie Chan
Occupation: B-grade actor
Strengths:     Is well known
Weaknesses: has no credibility, is a B-grade actor
Likes:                Appearance fees


Candidate 5: Mr X

Mr Ping makes a withdrawal

Mr X makes a withdrawal

Name:    Mr X
Pros:      Remains at large & is anonymous
Cons:      Robs banks
Motto:   Don’t move, this is a stick up!


Candidate 6: Wong Yauyee

Goons...hired goons...

Goons…hired goons…

Name:            Wong Yauyee
Occupation: Goon…hired goon, henchman, saboteur provocateur
Skills:             One of CY Leung’s right hand men, Wong and his henchmen are skilled in the subversion of peaceful protest & infiltration. Can turn peaceful protest into chaos.
Enjoys:           Pottery, windsurfing


Candidate 7: Ying Ying



Name:             Ying Ying
Likes:              Bamboo
Dislikes:        Ocean Park
Strengths:     Front runner
Weaknesses: can’t talk


Candidate 8: The Devil

The ultimate darkhouse...but don't back him out.

The ultimate darkhorse…but don’t back him out.

Name:         Satan
Pros:            ‘can do’ attitude
Cons:           Possibly unhinged
Interests:   inequality, screaming, misery, pain & suffering
X Factor:    Could inhabit the body of any other candidate at any time


Well, there you have it. Hong Kong’s in good hands.

Ying Ying in action

Ying Ying in action

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4 Responses to Hong Kong: Breaking News

  1. Don Quixote says:

    All are perfect candidates for a Democracy anywhere in the world , expect Jackie Chan hes a B – grade actor.

  2. Don Quixote says:

    In the other hand maybe Jackie Chan could give it a try in the US, they had Ronald Reagan a D-GRADED actor and Bush Junior a simpleton with no talent at all.

  3. Don Quixote says:

    Except Drinking…

  4. Dystopian Chan says:

    Candidate 9: Long Hair..

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