Hong Kong Hiking Horror

Hong Kong Hiking

Scenic Hong Kong hiking

How’s it going nature lovers?

Tired of trundling through the same old HK shopping malls? Had it up here with your neighbour’s favourite hobby: drilling? Want to maim meandering Aunty Ma as she obliviously stymies your best efforts to get around her on the footpath? Sick of the smog, scum, filth, noise, stink, skank, rank, crowd, loud, rude, crude food, grey, drab, choke of the city? Need some fresh air, the happy snap of twigs under your feet and the sun on your back?

The smog views are some of the best in the world

The smog views are some of the best in the world

Well in Hong Kong, you’re fuck out of luck because the hiking trails and country parks here are abominations.

You can’t really knock a person, I suppose, who likes to get outside and do something a bit active. But in Hong Kong…you can…and I will.

Treacherous cement paths

Treacherous cement paths

Chances are in HK, anyone you’re going to see out on one of the hiking trails, whether they be walking, running, flying a model plane or chasing butterflies…is an absolute hands down annoying prick.

Trekking poles are a must if you want to navigate such terrain

Trekking poles are a must if you want to safely navigate such terrain

Hong Kong hikers like to fan out shoulder to shoulder on trails perfectly oblivious to everything but their fear of insects, their sun paranoia and their own raucous conversations about food. Nature is something to be hated and defeated to these people. They blot out the sun because they don’t want people to think they’re ditch squatting farmers, they mock nature’s harmonious frequency with objectionable B-Grade Cantonese radio music blaring from their heavily laden specialty hiking utility belts…they litter like it’s a sport, they laugh at cattle, fear dirt, run away from flies and generally combat any semblance of peace and tranquility by clapping and squealing and yelling about the latest Cafe de Coral discount vouchers they got with their recent herculean toilet paper purchase.

You might as well be walking down Nathan Road

You might as well be walking down Nathan Road

Marine life on the trail

The ocean is teeming with life

Hong Kong people are so puzzled and intimidated by nature that an hours bush walk, often on fully paved paths, requires store bought, titanium trekking poles, deluxe backpacks, heavy duty hiking boots, skin tight lycra suits emblazoned with corporate slogans and logos, mosquito patches, thousands of tissues, heart rate beepers, loud radios, enough food & drink to sink a battleship, surgical face masks to fight dust and full scale walkie talkie communications systems. Basically, the idea is to dress like you’re about to tackle K2.

Hillarity

Hilarity

Double hillarity

…almost mauled by a cow…double hilarity

When it’s not too hot the paths are choked with scores of these nuts making their way like lemmings either to a seedy BBQ pit where they can give new meaning to the problem of disposable utensil waste or to some restaurant at the end of the trail where they will wail and cry and jump up and down and clap and squeal ecstatically when they are served a warm cup of water with a flower in it.

Nature's harmony

Very Hong Kong

Come for the fresh air...stay for the trash

Come for the fresh air…stay for the refuse

An ecstasy of trash!

An ecstasy of trash!

The perfect end to a Hong Kong hike...I'm not sure it gets any better than this!

The perfect end to a Hong Kong hike…I’m not sure it gets any better than this. Look at those giblets!

Seedy BBQ pit

Many delicious food

The head's the best part

The head’s the best part

Sometimes the best thing you can do in HK to get away from it all is just to stay at home with your fingers in your ears and pray that Mr Chan next door hasn’t bought a new set of drill bits he wants to try out for a few hours or so.

If you do bite the old bullet and decide to have a crack…here’s the HK Country Parks complaint hotline number:

lol

lol

Mr Chan inspects the latest in drills

Mr Chan inspects the latest in drills

This post brought to you by fish semen sandwiches...

This post brought to you by fish semen sandwiches…

...Hong Kong smog...

…Hong Kong smog…

...hiking hijinks...

…hiking hijinks…

...suitcase shopping bags...

…suitcase shopping bags…

...baby shark bargains...

…baby shark bargains…

...massive organized hiking groups...

…highly annoying ,very loud organized hiking groups…

...the Disrespectful to Dirt Authority of HK...

…the Disrespectful to Dirt Authority of HK…

...the 'sport is so corporate these days'...Tour de MTR...

…the ‘sport is so corporate these days’…Tour de MTR…

...making yourself right at home...

…making yourself right at home…

...and impossibly delicious decisions.

…and impossibly delicious decisions.

Happy hiking!

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29 Responses to Hong Kong Hiking Horror

  1. ayrin says:

    I really appreciate your point , thanks for being so honest on your views about hiking in Hong Kong.

  2. Woodstock says:

    You’re a boring cunt and your writing is really poor.

  3. Angry…angry young man…

  4. big says:

    You’re a soothsayer and a bard, and your prose scales the upper echelons of literary sophistication.

  5. Dirty Harry says:

    I love this blog more than I can possibly describe. Your insight into the issues plaguing this cesspit are truly exemplary. Please keep up the amazing work.

  6. Fanny Poon says:

    Jesus Christ on a pogo stick. This blog is the only thing that makes living in this fucked up country of mindless worker drones bearable for me. All of the testing centers in Hk couldn’t help a Honkie pass a Turing test.

  7. Nic Randy says:

    I went hiking to get away from people. Then I realized that all of the people had the same idea as me. Guess it’s just better to stay at home, crank up the TV as loud as it goes to drown out the neighbour’s horrid music and rock back and forth in my chair, waiting for Monday to come.

  8. nick davis says:

    Hello I am a dirty white faggot and i think whites are scumbags on this planet.Have a nice day!

  9. Cool it with the anti caucasion remarks

  10. Mr Wrong says:

    Nailed it once again.

    I think many locals are afraid of being alone in nature or the relative quiet. It’s just too alien from their everyday lives. Hence the hiking in huge groups, blasting transistor radios and incessant shouting. Also I have a theory that many of them are also afraid of the ghosts, spirits etc they might meet out in the countryside, so they travel in as large a group and make as much noise as they can to keep them at bay.

    As for the rubbish strewn everywhere, that’s just locals being the lazy, entitled, selfish pricks so many of them are. Heaven forbid you carry that empty plastic Vita-Soy bottle or dried fish wrapper or used tissue which weighs all of half a gram to a rubbish bin that isn’t overflowing – just chuck it on the ground. Someone else can pick it up – or not, it’s not your problem anymore. Turn up the canto-pop, let’s have some fun!

    By the way, if there weren’t an army of cleaners and sweepers at work in HK 24/7, every street in town would look like that.

    Keep up the good work.

  11. Michael says:

    I really love your blog since I found your “When do I know that I’m turning local” posts 😀 I’m not natively English speaking, but I laugh the hell out loudly when I read it at … my Hong Kong working place.
    Anyway, about the hiking you are partly right. I’m enjoying hiking in Hong Kong as it’s one of the few choices to get away from this crazy place and… their nature is really nice. Though it’s not comparable with hiking in the Alps, it’s not as bad as you describe. Yes, you will find ALL of what you wrote, though I don’t know if they are talking about the CdC ;), you will have a lot of alone time and clean nature. You should prevent walking the main spots where all these masses roll along. Have a look around Shing Mun, go up the Tai Mo Shan or even walk at Pat Sin Leng. And if you want your private time, take a headlamp and walk in the dark, I really had situations without ANY noise :). Just the view will be a bit….dull.
    Keep on writing pal!

  12. Me contemplating says:

    Hi, I want to go to HK in April to combine my vacation by visiting HK and swimming in Lantau Island.
    But I’m not so sure about safety. First about radiation levels from Fukushima atomic plant in the South China sea. Second about whether the water is clear and safe to swim. And third about bird flu. I have lots of reservations regarding HK. But I want to visit it so much. Can you give me some tips and suggestions regarding it.
    Thanks in advance!

  13. You’ll die from bird flu before you even get off the plane

  14. Me contemplating says:

    Thanks Dudley for being sarcastic and true at the same time. Although I expected a little bit more information.

  15. brigida_b says:

    Been reading your blog since I moved to this cesspit (January 2012), please keep it up!

  16. Ygff says:

    Without doubt my favorite blog.. Gold, Gold, GOLD!

  17. Miss Curator says:

    When are you gonna run out of things to moan about? hahaha. Keep it up! (Or perhaps I should say, “Hang in there!”)

  18. LedZep says:

    Thank you for your blog – this confirms what I’ve secretly known all along – under the thin veneer of holier than thou respectability this city is in fact a soulless materialistic cesspit which will transform any respectable human being into a heartless dick in the space of a few years. Unbelievably almost everyone around me keeps acting as if everything is fine. Moving here made me understand that humanity is doomed as the gods of materialism will no doubt slowly spread from this hellish dump to other parts of the world. Keep it up..!

  19. Aurora says:

    Reading your blog makes me feel sane. Everyday is a battle…in the streets,on transport,work,even when you try and pay your groceries…have you noticed that?…before you have even received your money back the next person is already pushing you away.I despise this place! My husband has turned into one of their zombies, I don’t know if I can snap him out of it.
    I feel really sorry for the helpers…sometimes I feel so desperate I think of hiring one…and all we will do is drink tea and eat cake and have a nice chat.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Haha awesome. I think this is one of your best posts yet. I remember one day I went hiking in Hong Kong. I thought getting out into “nature” would help me relax and forget about my rapidly growing hatred for that city. After walking for hours on a paved cement path, jostling with crowds and choking on the smog, that was pretty much the day I decided to quit my job and leave that hellhole. I was gone 2 months later but I still love checking out your website. Every post reminds me of some aspect of my ill-advised journey to that dirty corner of the planet. Your posts are very insightful and all true. Great job and keep it up!

  21. SAVE_HK says:

    Please please do not mix up those mainland chinese with Hong Kongese.
    Have you ever thought about that Hong Kongers are actually victims?

    Do you think that local Hong Kongers would carry suitcases around to do their shopping????

    Come on, Hong Kongers and Mainland chinese speak totally different languages.

    We might look the same, but you can tell the differences from their behaviours and the way they speak, and dress.

    Just don’t mix them up. I sincerely think that we need to be clear about who and what we both hate here in Hong Kong.

  22. Don Quixote forever! says:

    Poor Hong Dung guy, buhuhuing about the mainlanders, I was so tired of this little girls cry…
    Hong Kong is China long time ago, give up you lost.

  23. Anonymous says:

    Give up idiot, you all lost to China and Hong Kong. We buy, we help, we keep the economy up. Try managing a year without us, fucker!

  24. hetbellz@yahoo.com.tw says:

    Savehk> I can’t wait 2047 !

  25. olivier says:

    If I’m not mistaken, the author is not angry particularly at the mainland chinese, he is just stating things the way they are, this place is a complete soul less shithole with the chinese or without them

  26. Anonymous says:

    It’s mainly the old crowd that likes listening to their radios on the hill (not that there’s anything wrong with this) and mainly the young hikers (especially those in large groups or on camping trips) that litter indiscriminately. Both in my experience are usually locals, much to my dismay (being local myself). In fact, when I’m out hiking it’s usually younger LOCAL crowd that I find to be the most rude and obnoxious. Every foreigner I’ve met on the hills have been humble and friendly (including mainland Chinese, Koreans, Japanese, Indians, and Caucasians), save for a handful of Caucasians that ignore you when you say hello, which is understandable if they want to be left alone.

    Some of the young locals don’t let you pass even if you’re walking at a much faster pace than they are, or openly mock you for daring to greet them with a hello or a 早晨. This could just be selective bias of course since I encounter proportionately more locals than foreigners, but it’s still unacceptable. The downtrodden cleaners really are the heroes. I always feel really bad seeing them already well into work at 8am when I’m heading up the trails.

  27. Sue says:

    Hi. Happened to visit your blog as I was surfing for more information on walking in HK. I was just back from walking section 1 & 2 of the Lantau Trail. Some of the points you highlighted are exactly what spoiled my day of walking. The following is my opinion on some etiquette sorely lacking in the walking community there:

    HIKING ETIQUETTE.

    #1. Greet your fellow hikers. A smile, a nod or a good morning/afternoon brightens up everyone’s day. Please note that grunts and blank stares do not count as greetings :/

    #2. Be mindful of faster hikers. If you sense another hiker breezing up the hill behind you, keep to the side of the trail and let him/her overtake.

    #3. Yes, we all hate sunburns. Use hats, towels, bandanas, or even a balaclava… Just, no umbrellas, please? I may tumble down the cliff when we pass each other.

    #4. Most people hike to be one with nature or one with themselves. It is a time to marvel at the magnificence of Mother Nature, listen to the wind/birds/rustling of leaves and sigh in awe. If music is your thing, there is a wonderful gadget called earphones. Sound is a part of someone’s personal space. Blasting music as you walk, no matter how awesome you may think it is, is an antisocial behaviour imo.

  28. Angel says:

    Are you asking HKers to be considerate? Seriously? What you see hiking is the same as what you see on the streets.

  29. Anonymous says:

    Hong Kong is truly a shithole of a place, infested with fuckwits, inconsiderate bastards, disgusting and abusive morons and all sorts of psychopaths on the loose. I did go hiking once. Never to be repeated, and that goes for pretty much everything else. it soon becomes a very narrow and filthy trail to go about, just like hiking.

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