Stabbing in the Rain

Mr Stabby

When it rains, greasy Hong Kong footpaths fill with thousands and thousands of nasty, dangerous pricks. And of course, you’re right…I’m not only talking about the rain-panicked, stammering automatons bludgeoning mindlessly right at you like you don’t exist…they sure are pricks! I’m talking about the weapon they carry and use with that special HK brand of spite, self interest and ignorance…the umbrella. It’s bad enough walking with these pricks on a clear day. Give them a few showers and a 9 barbed umbrella and its a recipe for disaster.

Accidents are bound to happen I suppose. It’s a big city…lots of people…cramped spaces…but fuck me, in Hong Kong, people have turned stabbing eyes and heads with umbrellas into an art form. How do they do it? Who the fuck knows! Maybe they follow these, easy to follow, DOs & DON’Ts

DO

– Do keep your head down and stay aware of nothing on the street or footpath. Anything happening in the world beyond the end of your nose is NOT YOUR CONCERN and you shouldn’t pay attention to it at all.

– Do keep the height of the umbrella constant. It is not your responsibility to adjust the height or angle for any reason at all other than if it is to your advantage. Anyone in your way gets stabbed. Simple.

– Do keep your umbrella open and in attack position even under cover. Remember, rainy weather gives you the right to stab whenever, wherever and whoever you want. Make the most of it.

Stab to maim…stab to blind…stab to kill

DONTs

– Don’t ever, ever look back. When you’re walking down the middle of the footpath and you feel one of the barbs of your umbrella connect with something…DO NOT STOP…DO NOT LOOK BACK.Ā  Never turn to see if it was a person you hit. Remember, it’s not your eyeball that’s been stabbed out of its socket…it’s someone else’s. It doesn’t concern you. Keep walking.

– Don’t ever deviate from your line. Don’t walk around people, give anyone the right of way, don’t adjust your pace, pause, veer or turn…for anybody. You’re a known dry weather expert in this regard. Take your A game into the wet.

– Don’t be afraid to lurch and lunge your umbrella carrying arm in blind, wildly random and unpredictable directions. Anybody in the way gets stabbed.

– Don’t stop stabbing.

Careful of your eyeballs

I’m stabbing in the rain…just stabbing in the rain…what a glorious feeling…I’m s s s stabbing again…

Remember…in Hong Kong it’s all fun & games until someone loses an eyeball…and then…it’s even more fun.

Happy stabbing, stabbers…

This post deliciously brought to you by 600 undersized, bound and gagged crabs. Mmm mmmm!

This post hungrily brought to you by traumatised, suffering & beaten fish dying slowly and painfully in milky viewing pools of their own death juices. GET IN MY BELLY!!!

 

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32 Responses to Stabbing in the Rain

  1. F*ck this place says:

    For extra bonus points, DO use a laughably oversized golf umbrella at every opportunity.

    Self defense is a basic human right. I slap away umbrellas that endanger me. Never had a problem from any local chav either.

  2. aiya says:

    I found that giving your umbrella a good twirl moves the crowd away from you. Seems they are scared of water. Sending some good spray their way will ensure you get a bit more “personal ” space.

  3. Peter Mak says:

    The locals really do appear afraid of water. They open umbrellas at the slightest hint of a drizzle.

  4. aiya says:

    how about the hand over the head? lol

  5. How about finger on the trigger of a 450ml can of RAID?

  6. aiya says:

    Dont tempt me..

  7. LovelyShades says:

    i can’t agree more with u! i walk with my elbows sticking out. it doesn’t hurt me as much as it does them. and walking with the umbrella while ur looking down is a good tactic. i really hate the idea of carrying an umbrella on sunny and rainy (including the tiniest drops) days but i gotta protect my eyeballs and purse! look down and just walk straight – smart people will avoid you šŸ™‚

  8. ecbrodie says:

    So true! When I went to Hong Kong, I had to learn to walk with shoulders and elbows extended as far as possible, and to refrain from saying sorry/duibuqi like I would normally say instantly after bumping someone. I would keep my head up, though, because I need to be assertive in the crowded areas like TST and they probably would move out of the way (especially since I’m a tall laowai).

  9. Eddie says:

    Fantastic post. I have traveled around the world, through more than 80 countries, and I have NEVER, EVER, experienced the kind of inconsiderate scum that are the norm in Hong Kong. Everything about the place is TERRIBLE. It is the WORST place on the face of the earth, and the only place I have ever visited that I never want to return to. This is the end result of capitalism. This what it all results in. Imperialism, nationalism, greed, profit motives and war give you Hong Kong. Great blog!

  10. Jeffrey says:

    This is why I made myself a barbed wire umbrella..

  11. Mic says:

    Blog some more…..Too few and far in between.

  12. John K. says:

    Love this blog. Dont forget the other nasties of Hong Kong, like the group of redneck expats who bitch and bitch but never leave the country because they are nothing back home. Or those sad people who marry their filipino maids/ thai prostitutes when they get pregnant – you can always spot those couples from a mile away!

  13. V.G says:

    I am sure I hate Hong Kong way more then the owner of this blog, It’s fucking hell in this place the bullshit advertising and Marketing the Brainwashed public and just everything about this place stinks.

  14. This is hilarious! And so so true. I’m 3 weeks into a 3 month business trip in Hong Kong. Today was my first rainy day. I’m so grateful to still have both of my working eyeballs in my head. WTF is wrong with these people here? Do they not have any peripheral vision?? Everyday is a battle to just walk down the sidewalk. Ugh. I might have to cut a bitch.

  15. Sean says:

    Don’t forget the other golden rule about how it is absolutely imperative that your umbrella stays open when standing/walking even when under cover. This procedure, besides ensuring that you don’t get wet (no human ever has) has the added bonus to shield yourself from the other psychopathic umbrella wielding stabbers who seek to maim and permanently disfigure you. People who are walking under cover with their umbrellas closed or rain coats, will suffer permanent disfigurement or possibly death, but the injuries and deaths of walkingundercoverwithoutumbrellas-ers is merely collateral damage and necessary to ensure your own survival.

    The government need to introduce a licensing system for people to own and operate an umbrella. If its determined that operating an umbrella is beyond an individual’s ability, they get issued a raincoat, singling them out as a complete and total spastic, physically incapable of performing the most basic of tasks.

  16. Cranky Yankee says:

    If these “stabbings” happen so much how come you couldn’t post a single picture of one actually happening? You go on and on and on about it like it’s so fucking common then post a bunch of ordinary pictures of people carrying umbrellas on a crowded street like in every other big city in the world? Yawn.

  17. Let me guess…by your defensive and apologist tone…you married a local didn’t you?? And now you’re stuck…aren’t you…with a snaggle toothed bitch of a wife who likes to gnaw on bones and spit them onto the table and 2 little cunt kids you wish never existed. How dare you question one of the greatest posts on this magnificent blog. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

  18. Cranky Yankee says:

    Dudley Dawson – let me guess… by your bitchy and effeminate tone… you’re a lisping narcissist who thinks the world is supposed to revolve around you aren’t you?? Your only pleasures in life are show tunes, Lady Gaga, and bitching in cyberspace… aren’t they. If the OP lives to hyperbolize flamboyantly about evil, dangerous umbrellas (UMBRELLAS, for Christ’s sake! LOL) to a tiny chorus of approving harpy shrieks, that speaks volumes about the petty femininity of the soft modern “men” of Hong Kong. Grow a pair.

  19. You take yourself wayyyyyyyyy too seriously Cranky

  20. Cranky Yankee says:

    Hardly; I’m a clown. But you called my little girls cunts, Dudley. That was unneccessary.

  21. You’ve allowed yourself to become enraged by a blog post about umbrellas Cranky…enraged. And you keep coming back to fuel that rage…step away from your computer at once!

  22. Cranky Yankee says:

    Rage is good. It is cleansing.

  23. Anonymous says:

    It’s the lack of a single “Excuse me” when you get poked with an umbrella that is the real problem. This post is spot-on, mate. I saw a local “gal” come within a mere inch of another lady’s eyeball with the edge of the umbrella — that pointy bit that juts out the fabric. Whatever that is called, I just can’t be arsed to learn. Me behind lets out a loud “Jesus F***ing Christ!!!” and the “gal” says “It’s not my fault” like she was going to cry…like a girl. And I sez: “Well you are holding the umbrella and you saw the other lady walking right towards you so, sorry, it is your fault.” What if I carry a pistol and it goes off into a crowd and I sez “It’s not my fault!”? Then what, eh? That is why this post is so bloody good. It’s the lack of an ounce of care about what they are doing that makes these folks and their ‘brellas so ripe for humour. And that’s to say f*** all about the fact that they whip out the things at the first sight of a cloud (or sun for that matter). There is something marvelously comical, ain’t it? Peoples who have shunned the shower tap for a week so fearful of a few drops of rain.

  24. Gene Kelly says:

    Umbrella is a weapon huh?

  25. carl says:

    Yes !!! What fuckers they are especially those vampire ladies who hold their umbrellas at constant height on a narrow road on a perfectly fine day.

  26. Anonymous says:

    lack of peripheral vision + lack of….vision.. + lack of respect for anyone else + lack of any possible feeling of shame or guilt + lack of backbone + terrified of a drop of rain = CONGRATULATIONS YOU’RE A HK CUNT TIME TO GO EYEBALL STABBING!

  27. East of Africa says:

    As black man I find Chinese to be scared by what is under the umbrella when they see me. Not Asia’s world city at all!!

  28. Anonymous says:

    Hahahahaha… You should have rolled your eye balls and stuck your tongue out as far as possible, like the Maoris do in their Haka, then the shithead would have had a heart attack.

  29. Barry says:

    If you see a Black man walking on the street- jump in his slipstream. You know no local is going to walk into you then

  30. Barry says:

    Hey local,

    I hope that through your shared household that granddad teaches you your shortcomings of having an extremely small penis.

    And the fact of why you will ever own an apartment…

    Or ever earn anything close to a serviceable salary..

    Poor fella..

    If it’s any consolation, all us domestic helpers and expats will…

  31. Tony M says:

    There are no weaker or more bathetic people than HK Chinese.

  32. Barry says:

    Anyone seen them 2 folk needing to be rescued of the Kowloon mountain.

    160 firefighters mobilised, according to scmp.

    Are you fucking serious it takes that many?

    Winched up wearing a silver thermal space blanket?

    God help me

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