When it rains, greasy Hong Kong footpaths fill with thousands and thousands of nasty, dangerous pricks. And of course, you’re right…I’m not only talking about the rain-panicked, stammering automatons bludgeoning mindlessly right at you like you don’t exist…they sure are pricks! I’m talking about the weapon they carry and use with that special HK brand of spite, self interest and ignorance…the umbrella. It’s bad enough walking with these pricks on a clear day. Give them a few showers and a 9 barbed umbrella and its a recipe for disaster.
Accidents are bound to happen I suppose. It’s a big city…lots of people…cramped spaces…but fuck me, in Hong Kong, people have turned stabbing eyes and heads with umbrellas into an art form. How do they do it? Who the fuck knows! Maybe they follow these, easy to follow, DOs & DON’Ts…
– Do keep your head down and stay aware of nothing on the street or footpath. Anything happening in the world beyond the end of your nose is NOT YOUR CONCERN and you shouldn’t pay attention to it at all.
– Do keep the height of the umbrella constant. It is not your responsibility to adjust the height or angle for any reason at all other than if it is to your advantage. Anyone in your way gets stabbed. Simple.
– Do keep your umbrella open and in attack position even under cover. Remember, rainy weather gives you the right to stab whenever, wherever and whoever you want. Make the most of it.
– Don’t ever, ever look back. When you’re walking down the middle of the footpath and you feel one of the barbs of your umbrella connect with something…DO NOT STOP…DO NOT LOOK BACK. Never turn to see if it was a person you hit. Remember, it’s not your eyeball that’s been stabbed out of its socket…it’s someone else’s. It doesn’t concern you. Keep walking.
– Don’t ever deviate from your line. Don’t walk around people, give anyone the right of way, don’t adjust your pace, pause, veer or turn…for anybody. You’re a known dry weather expert in this regard. Take your A game into the wet.
– Don’t be afraid to lurch and lunge your umbrella carrying arm in blind, wildly random and unpredictable directions. Anybody in the way gets stabbed.
– Don’t stop stabbing.
I’m stabbing in the rain…just stabbing in the rain…what a glorious feeling…I’m s s s stabbing again…
Remember…in Hong Kong it’s all fun & games until someone loses an eyeball…and then…it’s even more fun.
Happy stabbing, stabbers…