Fat cats, big shots, deal makers and swindlers: An idiot’s guide to HK

Even the fattest, dumbest, most blindingly pale skinned, sandal & sock wearing, giant backpack schlepping, big gulp gulping, upside down map studying, legionnaire hat wearing, souvenir obsessed, ‘I won my Hong Kong holiday in a meat raffle back home’ moron eventually looks beyond the gaudy promises of endless neon lit shop fronts, deliciously dirt cheap Asian FOOD and the almost impossible to resist lure of exotic Ladies Market type trinkets, to ask himself:

‘Holy fucking shitballs…what’s wrong with these rude, loud and selfish Hong Kong people?? Have I stumbled into some kind of parallel universe where fundamental human decency and respect for your fellow man have been bludgeoned to a horrible, horrible, bloody death and remain nothing more than a dark stain on some footpath of filth?’

Holy fucking shitballs people are rude in HK

No matter who you are, if you’ve ever asked yourself these kinds of questions of Hong Kong…ever felt far away from a sense of humanity…downright disgusted, out of sympathy, down on your luck or unable to harmonise…well…unfortunately there’s nowhere to really turn because in Hong Kong life’s about survival of the fittest…and that means me…not you.

Hong Kong has a reputation for being a pretty nasty place to be. Its people are rude and selfish; the environment rides in the backseat of a filthy car, its head pushed down between its knees choking on fumes and bleeding from the ears…and culturally poor old Hong Kong has one leg in a bowl of rice, one leg over in McDonald’s and its ball sack all but split down the middle on a barbed wire fence. It doesn’t take a testicle specialist to see that there’s something wrong with Hong Kong…something very, very wrong. But has it always been a place of such sack splitting tension and pain?

HK…once a happy community of simple fishermen

Hong Kong was a small community of fishermen and farmers before the days when China and Britain became desperate or compelled to shake each others hand…without extending their arms too far. (Or more accurately…since the days when Britain forced China to receive the import of the drugs they were pushing…but that’s another story.) Try as they might, since those days, to put a positive spin on this cosmopolitan, east meets west, corporate paradise…it’s been nothing but a dirty old whore bought and sold in the name of silver, opium, tea and whatever else has been worth a couple of bucks over the years. Hong Kong’s excellent harbour condemned its local people to the kind of frictional existence that medical specialists might find in a schizophrenic’s brain. The east meets west nature of Hong Kong is harmoniously portrayed on the surface these days…but deeper down there must be a degree of built in trauma, distress and derangement if you’re a Hong Konger.

 “A feeling of insecurity colours nearly everyone’s life in Hong Kong – individual workers are never sure of work, housing, food or even the right to stay in Hong Kong. No one knows how long Hong Kong will exist.” – a visiting  British labour advisor, 1958.
.

 All but abandoned by its parents and with British culture and rule becoming more and more prevalent, the first signs of mental illness and insecurity would have quickly worked their way into Hong Kong’s head. Love for your father country must be at least a little tainted when you’ve been sold to drug dealers for a handful of magic beans. And it’s probably quite difficult to get to know and assimilate among new overlords who don’t speak your language and who really aren’t there to do business with you, as such, at all. So what do you do? Where’s your sense of belonging? Who do you trust? Who can you rely on? Do you roll over, beaten and weak or do you become resourceful, calculating, and wary? When a population of simple fishermen and farmers are treated like pawns in a jumbo game of chess…when they’re pimped by their own…plundered and raped by eastern and western imperialists…I suppose that simple little population learns to trust no-one and learns to get tough…mean…cunning…and self-reliant.

British overlords subdue unruly Hong Kongers

A rough guide to the history of Hong Kong tells us that its fatherland, China, sold it to Britain for 6 cents. I wonder what was done to help local people understand the sale. What was done to prepare or acclimatize the local population for this virtual orphanage? To what extent was a growing Hong Kong tormented by its cultural ties to China and its savage political struggles and by the rule of Johnny-come-lately foreign imperialists and theirs? Apparently, during the first half of the 20th Century, the local Chinese population had little contact with the wealthy community of Europeans settled near Victoria Peak. Hong Kong people only knew them as aloof ‘big shots’. In the early years of British rule, Hong Kong men were required by law to carry a lantern during the night so as not to frighten delicate expatriates. Failure to do so resulted in public floggings and other assorted punishments. Not as bad as the mainland penchant for straight up public beheadings…but still. Whichever way you look at it, the whole east meets west myth as we know it today was built on a foundation of mistrust, suspicion, cruelty and aggression…in other words – business. Neither cultural group really wanted much to do with the other…until trade grew and a service city opened the door for all kinds of host/ parasite (hard to know who’s who) business partnerships, mutual back scratching and opportunity.

Priceless Chinese trinkets

Hong Kongers both love and hate China…and it would also seem that they kind of respect yet resent the European culture that was pushed on them. It depends on the circumstance, whether they choose to give a nod to the Union Jack or salute the five star red flag. It’s good business to do both. The basic fact is they are what they are because the birth of modern day Hong Kong was a traumatic one…a Caesarean section in which the mother was sliced open and poor little Hong Kong pulled out by the foot kicking and screaming, directly into a cool corporate world of dollars and cents. No wonder the local people are so abrasive and materialistic. When you have to fend for yourself in a crazy world of communist, capitalist, corporate, imperialist, invading, war mongering, manipulative, exploitative, cloak and dagger skullduggerist, fat cat, big shot, deal makers and swindlers all clawing and gnashing their teeth at each other…you have to get busy living or get busy dying. To their credit, Hong Kongers learned how to survive in the world created around them. Suspicious and wary…ready to trust no-one but themselves and to do whatever it takes…in Hong Kong you’ve got to look out for number one. If that means being rude and selfish, compassionless and cold-blooded then…FUCK YOU!

China…some think it makes HK look like an oasis

Safe under the Union Jack

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This post brought to you by…

…fat…

…lumbering…

…tourists…

…cheap mobile phones…

…the fish rich waters of Hong Kong…

…east meets west snake soup parties…

…British imperialist drug pushers…

…cultural superiority…

…returning video tapes…

…the card table…

…the 2 dollar coin…

…Li Ka Shing’s mother…

…and poor little Hong Kong.

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19 Responses to Fat cats, big shots, deal makers and swindlers: An idiot’s guide to HK

  1. gowron says:

    When I first saw DS9, and got a glimpse of the inner workings of Frengie society, because of the bartender Quark being a titular character, or a side one. Then, I knew… I knew Rick Berman based those little trolls on the Chinese. (They even ate with Chopsticks, and had the little spinny table on the table for dim sum.

    Even the Ferengii spritualism from Star Trek, seems to mirror the Chinese one. That you need material stuff on the other side, so your ascendants burn effigy stuff, luxuries such as, watches, designer clothes, cars, houses, McDonalds, Bars of gold, hell bank dollars at a rate of 5 CND:9999999999999999999999999999 Hell dollars (one bill, in a stack of like 50 bills at this denomination each). When Frengiis die they try to convince this holy accountant, the Blessed Exchequer, that they deserve to be in there, because of the profit they made, or the deals they made, or a bribe. They grovel at idols. (The Chinese worship a gold of Wealth (seen in any restraunt). To fail this very important job interview, means banishment to the eternal vaults of destitution, (the Chinese believe in a Hades like dimension where you go to starve and freeze), where this aid is used. And you can bribe your way out. Again, they calculate your fate using a Karma account. Who you owe to and Who owes you. (I wonder if I can put some bad Karma on my charge account and get airmiles with that?), or if you are a real screwed up person go into the 9 hells, and eventually work/bribe your way out. And that your children, are merely just someone you screwed over in a past life, not some lovely member of the family who you love. *face palms*.

    I go into a ICBC temple in Cangzhou (Mos Esley Spaceport) a poor fuck town with cobweb KTV beds, there’s no way to describe that building, except a Ferengei Eternal Treasury, Mormon temples look like the mountain shit town in the poor Zuhai (where some crazy little school girl took a shit infront of me before running off to join her friends EWWWWWWWW).

  2. Anonymous says:

    Why don’t the people from this blog have a gathering (beers?). Not so much to hate on Hong Kong but to try and be positive, brainstorm coping methods, be a bit more objective than this blog, and most importantly make friends with others who are a true minority – those who are not sheltered and delusional about the environment they live in. What I mean is that I assume the people from this blog don’t think LKF and SOHO are all that, don’t shelter themselves from the outside world in their DB and Midlevels flats while staying in central everyday, and actually would prefer to be in some kind of peaceful equilibrium with their environment rather than sheltered from it. I propose the topic of the conversation would be how to approach doing so in HK if it is even possible? If you think a gathering is worth while please show some enthusiasm and make a post!

  3. K-man says:

    @Anonymous,

    It is funny that you mention a gathering… didn’t you know??? All the people from this blog DID have a gathering and we DID brainstorm ideas… hence the idea for this blog was created AS a coping mechanism. So thank you, we have found our equilibrium.

    I am sure that if the environment was a good one we would be out more often than we are, but when faced with the daily barrage of the various things which have been mentioned in this blog, why would any sane person submit oneself to that constant pounding of a lack of manners, lack of humanity, constant noise, rude, bodily gas expelling, phlegm expelling, food spitting, cell phone yapping people incapable of showing even a glimmer of empathy for how another person may feel about their so called ‘civilised’ behaviour and attitudes? Especially when all they want to relax… and feel human again.

    For your reference, I do actually get out of the daily shithole grind that is Central, LKF, Soho, Midlevels, DB etc… every chance I get… but all that accomplishes is trading a kick in the testicles for a kick in the gut….

    PS… as was mentioned by someone in a previous entry, there are great things about Hong Kong… but those things don’t belong in a blog about why Hong Kong sucks…

  4. Anonymous says:

    Ok K-man, point taken and duly noted. If I wasn’t a poor student I may choose somewhere like DB or Central to live simply because of less phlegm, etc. Its just that the Anglo upper class in Hong Kong tends to be quite creepy as someone pointed out before in this blog. I know that some “down to earth” people are mixed in with that crowd so I guess that’s why you choose to live there and I’m a bit jealous of that as I’m 100 percent submerged in HK culture with no foreign acquaintances at this point. Where the hell are all the people who don’t think wearing Armani to SOHO on a Friday night or hanging out with a money grubbing Asian girl 1/4 their own age is a good time? I seemed damned not to find those people in Hong Kong, hence my previous email. Does anyone else in this blog find hiking the quiet peaceful mountains a sanctuary as well or have things gotten so bad for me I have to run to the forest to keep from stabbing myself in the neck with a dull knife? Anyways, thanks for the blog as at least I know I’m not the only one who interprets Hong Kong for what it is and I feel much better that there are some sane people on this dirty corner of earth.

  5. K-man says:

    @Anonymous

    I go to the mountains when I WANT to stab myself in the neck with a dull knife… If I did it where I live, I would have too many people taking photos, and gawking at the strange westerner killing himself.

    Further, I would love to see Dudley do a post specifically about all the westerners/mainlanders/any other people here partaking in the ladies of the night… in one sense or another. All those high class areas where money talks and the ladies walk… not my ideal way to spend my nights… I am content sheltering myself in my humble abode far away from ‘civilisation’ and finding peace whilst wandering the hills amongst the savage monkeys living in and amongst the forest… at the very least, their manners are better than what I see at most restaurants.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I think I can contribute as I just bought a new camcorder and could do a ladies of the night “montage” or other various Hong Kong Phenomenon for that matter. This will be just for you K-man because I know you want to watch 15 minutes of video clips including people with their fingers up their nose and doing the “Hong Kong Examination” (which is spitting into a napkin, examining the phlegm, and putting it back into the pocket or holding in their hand for hours as they touch everything possible in public). You can enjoy it repeatedly.

  7. K-man says:

    @ Anonymous… I await your video.

  8. Anonymous says:

    August 7th post? Where is the next one.

  9. gowron says:

    I fucking hate this place.

  10. Iago says:

    Where are the posts bro??? It’s been over a month, and I needs my I Hate Hong Kong fix bad!

  11. Anonymous says:

    The best way to cope with living in HK as an expat is to just avoid the locals completely. The majority of them are filthy, rude, money grubbing, dumb, illogical, arrogant, backward, etc. (in short, they’re scum). Even going to the mountains sometimes you find them in droves, clogging up the trails at their ridiculously slow pace because some idiot local is wearing high heels and on their loud radios because they haven’t discovered earphones yet.

  12. Anonymous says:

    I’m from Hong Kong and even I can’t stand the people here. The biggest problem with the people here is that they don’t even know they have problems. Honestly, all their manners, selfishness, etc. are acceptable only in Hong Kong. That’s why they are not as welcomed as Japanese, Koreans, or other Asian cultures when they are abroad. They can only circle jerk within their own people in Hong Kong.

  13. I just wish they’d keep their voices down

  14. Cletus says:

    “I just wish they’d keep their voices down” – Dudley

    I SECOND THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

  15. Lola says:

    Dudes, JUST LEAVE HK NO ONE WELCOMES YOU HERE
    and obviously no one is FORCING YOU to stay.
    assholes

  16. Yeah that’s one of the problems with Hong Stinking Kong…no-one welcomes you.

    And you know why that is Lola?

    Because they’re rude, selfish, borish, mindless, tactless turds…just like you…you dumb skank

  17. Peter Mak says:

    Interesting post… thank you

  18. Anonymous says:

    Lola, I completely agree. No one welcomes YOU because you fucking assholes are fucking disrespectful and stupid. FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF OUT OF HERE

  19. Mattstar says:

    Lola is a part of the problem here in TOTO (turd of the orient)

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