…PARK ‘N SHOP MASSACRE
If ever there’s going to be a place where a man goes bezerk with guns in Hong Kong and mows down 60 people before turning the gun on himself…it’s going to be in Park ‘n Shop. Someone’s going to storm that place one day, armed to the teeth and open fire with machine guns, grenades and nail bombs. Before he goes down, either in a hail of police gunfire or by his own hand, he’s going to have taken command of the Park & Shop store announcement microphone and read out a list of demands and instructions. I would imagine it would go something like this:
Attention shoppers and shopkeepers. Hi. If my demands are not met there will be more bloodshed. These are my demands…
1. Any people caught saving line positions in multiple lines so that they may improve their waiting time by 20 or 30 seconds should be immediately banned from the store for life.
2. Anybody caught staring rudely into another person’s shopping trolley, especially if they have to crane their neck, lean over, around or forward to get a good look, for more than 1-2 seconds should be permanently banned and savagely pistol whipped with shopping baskets..
3. Anybody who leaves their shopping trolley in a ridiculous or lazy location, especially near the checkouts, blocking or obstructing other shoppers, should be banned from shopping and then hired as a trolley gopher who gets paid in handfuls of magic beans.
4. Anybody who slaps an orange, watermelon, apple…or any other fruit more than say…30 times to test its ripeness, should be pelted with off fruit (straight off the P&S shelves) and banned from the store for life.
5. People who, when in the aisle, do not attempt to or who seem to outright refuse to move their shopping trolley so that other shoppers can get through should be shin rammed and then banned.
6. People who line up to buy one can of Pocari Sweat with a credit card or ATM card should have their cards cut up with scissors and never allowed back in the shop again.
7. People who, having paid for all their items, stand at the end of the checkout counter and leisurely read their receipt or stand and count forty 10 cent pieces three times over, play with their phone or anything else that gets in the way of the next person in line should be shown the door and never let back in.
8. Any person who thinks it’s ok to stand in an aisle and conduct a lengthy, loud phone call that obstructs other people from reaching items on the shelf should be thrown physically out of the shop and have their phone smashed.
9. Shoppers who push you or elbow you because they are afraid they will miss out on something should be fucking banned.
10. People who double their pace from 5-10 meters out and try to beat you into a checkout line to save one spot should be told to ‘get the fuck out of the shop’.
11. Shopkeepers, especially in the fruit section, who scream at the top of their lungs about bullshit price savings and how much the durians stink this season…should be sacked. Don’t hawk food in a supermarket.
12. Checkout operators who seem to have forgotten they live in Hong Kong…it’s a FAST city you know…and scan and pack items like they are brain damaged or underwater should be sacked.
13. People who pay by placing coins onto the surface of the checkout counter, causing the checkout person to have to try to pick them up (agonizingly slowly), one by one, should be told to never, ever bother coming back.
14. Morons who think it’s ok to throw their used tissues into the bottom of shopping baskets or trolleys should be taken somewhere for severe re-education.
15. People in line behind you who can’t stop tapping you in the back or leg with their trolley, arm or bag should be pushed out of the shop and body-slammed into a shopping trolley.
16. People who cough and sneeze openly, without remorse or awareness that it could be deemed a hygiene problem, should be fucking banned.
17. Shoppers who lose control during holiday periods like Christmas or Chinese New Year by yelling louder, moving with even less consideration for others than usual, gnashing their teeth or clawing at shelves in a general frenzy should be quietly told to ‘get out’.
18. Mothers or fathers who ssssssssssssssscream at their sssssssssssssssssscreaming kids…should be stunned somehow and dragged out of the shop.
19. Individuals who abuse express checkout lines should be told more often than they are, to get their grossly stacked trolley the fuck out of the 15 item or less express line and punched in the spine. Then banned.
20. Customers who pull out reams of vouchers which have to be painstakingly checked by multiple staff members should be told to please leave without making a fuss. Then both staff and customer should be sent somewhere to be impressed upon that Hong Kong is a FAST paced city and we won’t stand for that kind of shit here…especially when there’s 400 people waiting in line.
21. This goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway…anyone in the store who makes excessive noise should be life banned. That includes trolley stacking smashing staff, overly loud store announcements, staff who yell from checkout 1 over to checkout 9, supermarket hawking, people on mobile phones, any and all screaming and yelling.
22. This…you shouldn’t be able to fondle more than 7 pieces of meat in a row…even with tongs…
23. People who, when you are standing in line, want to cut in and pass through so they can get to the ‘candy rack’ in front of the checkout should be led away and stoned with cans of dolphin safe tuna.
24. Bans for people who stand in front of shelves for more than about 5 minutes trying to decide what item to buy…blocking access to that part of the shelf for other people.
25. Bans for people who stand together in the aisle chatting or catching up on old times…without the slightest consideration that there may be other people in the shop with them who may want to get by.
26. Idiots who bash their way back into the checkout person’s attention by screaming and holding a receipt outstretched, wanting to question it in some way…while the checkout person is already busy talking to or dealing with another customer…should be thrown so far from the store that they’ll never find their way back…
…well…I think that’s about it.
I think my demands are more than fair. You know…Park ‘n Shop could be a great, great supermarket if people jus…
…………….shattering glass…………..gun fire……….explosions……..tear gas…..screaming…..flying trolleys…water canons…momentary silence.
Anyway, I think that’s a little bit how the scene would unfold. The next day in the paper we’d probably see the headline…
MAN GOES BEZERK IN PARK N SHOP
…somewhere in the article it’ll say…’at this stage no motive has been established…investigators are baffled’