Everybody knows Hong Kong’s a great big dirty polluted shopping mall slash bistro…the waters of Victoria Harbour are lethal, the beaches are riddled with puss filled bandaids, discarded eye patches, apple cores, plastic bags, dead animals, brown floaters and lengths of dental floss…the air is a dead zone, a scary smorgasboard of smog…and the land and streets are covered in a grimy film of filth and scum. No arguments there whatsoever.
But there’s another kind of pollution in Hong Kong that makes swimming with floaters, choking on smog and living with grime seem trivial in comparison. Yeah:
It’s a serious, serious problem and one that Hong Kong people seem oblivious to. They even revel in it. Here’s the areas of concern as I see them:5. drivers & car horns 4. an obsession with microphones 3. restaurant ambience 2. mobile phone ringtones .
and maybe the most innocuous, yet deadly of all…1. default speaking volume .
I’ve already kind of ranked them…now I’m going to rate them and decide which ones might be excusable and which ones are inexcusable.
Ratings will be out of 10. 1/10 is not very annoying etc.5. Drivers and car horns Not much you can really say about this one. Traffic moves three meters, traffic stops, people behind slam on their horns. Traffic moves three meters, traffic stops, people behind slam on their horns. The horn work is as dumb as it is repetitive. Driving in traffic isn’t that fun, so I suppose it’s almost excusable…sitting on the horn for 60 second stints though isn’t…unless you factor in the stress associated with living in a place like Hong Kong and then anything goes. Rating: 5/10 Inexcusable .
4. An obsession with microphones Well, well, well…don’t get me started about microphone city here! Holy shitballs…these people play a huge vocal game…but they aren’t happy with that are they, they want more. It’s not enough to make my ears bleed through sheer natural talent alone, they want microphones and speaker racks and megaphones and amplifiers. What’s up with having a work meeting in a 10×10 room….and using a microphone and 2x 50 watt amp combo? Rating: 8/10 Inexcusable
3. Restaurant ambience Brutal. Usually scraping leftover food is done behind the scenes. In Hong Kong, some gumboot wearing unskilled laborer does it next to your table if you happen to be sitting near the open air soiled plate return part of the restaurant, crashing plates as loud as she can. You get to see all kinds of stuff too – mainly stuff that used to be in someone’s mouth. No point just talking either. You have to talk over the top of the other customers. And they’re all busy trying to talk over the top of you, other yelling customers, mobile phone ring tones, idiots yelling on mobile phones and the gumboot wearing plate scraper. It’s…not a good cycle. Rating: 8/10 Excusable…only because it can easily be avoided
2. Mobile phone ringtones No comment. Fuck it…a few comments. Hey shit for brains, hows about you put your mobile phone…the one with the little toy cartoon characters hanging off it…how about you put that on silent chief? Engage the vibrating alert. You know it’s gonna ring. It rings every 2 to 3 minutes doesn’t it? You’re sitting there on the train with nothing to do. Monitor your phone you fool. Watch it…when you see it light up…jump in there and answer the fucker…and if the busy, busy pace of Hong Kong life has you sleeping like a coma patient and you just can’t keep your eyes open to watch that screen, put your phone on vibrate…you’ll feel it ring and I wont have to listen to it…or even better, just forget about the fucking phone while you’re on the train you ignoramus. You look like nobody who needs to be fielding 10 calls a train trip. And another thing dummy…if your phone does start to ring how about you answer it promptly? Don’t let it blaze away polluting the public train you’re on – the one you’re sharing with other people, with your loud, loud, loud, shit eatingly inane ring tone. Thanks for your cooperation dickhead. Video examples to come. Rating: 9/10 Inexcusable
1. Default speaking volume The undisputed pollution champion. This one goes to 11 and I think I’ll opt for video proof instead of laboured descriptions. Well maybe some laboured descriptions while I compile footage. Hey, Mr Hong Kong man…how about you ease back on the volume? I’m just trying to ride this cramped bus/ train that we are all sharing together and I could really do without your prodigiously boomingly loud rib cage rattling ‘I want to smash you so hard in the face’ voice. That’s right you moron. You insensitive selfish bore. Your loud voice almost sucks even more than that nasty sounding language you’re yelling. Next time I see you Mr Hong Kong man, I’m going to put my video camera in your face and film your selfish antics so I can show other people just what a shit place you make Hong Kong. Fuck you.
Rating 11/10 Inexcusable….or…is it…(more analysis needed…I’ll do a fair and impartial survey) Survey results are in: Inexcusable. . mobile phone + the voice of a Hong Kong local = horror show
.Pictures & video evidence to come…it’s harder than I thought to get evidence on tape. It’s not that the evidence isn’t out there…you just have to be in the right spot at the right time with a camera ready. It’s like sitting around during a storm waiting for lightening to strike maybe.
Elevator ride. I think they thought they had the lift to themselves. Didn’t seem to show any small spacial awareness. Why would they? Not their problem if you’re being effected is it?