Shit I’m deaf

Everybody knows Hong Kong’s a great big dirty polluted shopping mall slash bistro…the waters of Victoria Harbour are lethal, the beaches are riddled with puss filled bandaids, discarded eye patches, apple cores, plastic bags, dead animals, brown floaters and lengths of dental floss…the air is a dead zone, a scary smorgasboard of smog…and the land and streets are covered in a grimy film of filth and scum. No arguments there whatsoever.

One of those street cleaners with the home made broom'll be along soon to take care of this mess

A trash and grime bonanza. Minibus driver kicks it out with his foot...home made broom woman does the rest

Home made broom - gets the job done.

1. This vomit will turn to grime, no worries. 2. Homemade broom base

Assorted rubbish...but actually, the 1.6 billion street sweepers do a pretty good job

But there’s another kind of pollution in Hong Kong that makes swimming with floaters, choking on smog and living with grime seem trivial in comparison. Yeah:


It’s a serious, serious problem and one that Hong Kong people seem oblivious to. They even revel in it. Here’s the areas of concern as I see them:

5. drivers & car horns
4. an obsession with microphones
3. restaurant ambience
2. mobile phone ringtones

and maybe the most innocuous, yet deadly of all…

1. default speaking volume

I’ve already kind of ranked them…now I’m going to rate them and decide which ones might be excusable and which ones are inexcusable.

Ratings will be out of 10. 1/10 is not very annoying etc.

5. Drivers and car horns
Not much you can really say about this one. Traffic moves three meters, traffic stops, people behind slam on their horns. Traffic moves three meters, traffic stops, people behind slam on their horns. The horn work is as dumb as it is repetitive. Driving in traffic isn’t that fun, so I suppose it’s almost excusable…sitting on the horn for 60 second stints though isn’t…unless you factor in the stress associated with living in a place like Hong Kong and then anything goes.
Rating: 5/10
4. An obsession with microphones
Well, well, well…don’t get me started about microphone city here! Holy shitballs…these people play a huge vocal game…but they aren’t happy with that are they, they want more. It’s not enough to make my ears bleed through sheer natural talent alone, they want microphones and speaker racks and megaphones and amplifiers. What’s up with having a work meeting in a 10×10 room….and using a microphone and 2x 50 watt amp combo?
Rating: 8/10

3. Restaurant ambience
Brutal. Usually scraping leftover food is done behind the scenes. In Hong Kong, some gumboot wearing unskilled laborer does it next to your table if you happen to be sitting near the open air soiled plate return part of the restaurant, crashing plates as loud as she can. You get to see all kinds of stuff too – mainly stuff that used to be in someone’s mouth. No point just talking either. You have to talk over the top of the other customers. And they’re all busy trying to talk over the top of you, other yelling customers, mobile phone ring tones, idiots yelling on mobile phones and the gumboot wearing plate scraper. It’s…not a good cycle.
Rating: 8/10
Excusable…only because it can easily be avoided

2. Mobile phone ringtones
No comment. Fuck it…a few comments. Hey shit for brains, hows about you put your mobile phone…the one with the little toy cartoon characters hanging off it…how about you put that on silent chief? Engage the vibrating alert. You know it’s gonna ring. It rings every 2 to 3 minutes doesn’t it? You’re sitting there on the train with nothing to do. Monitor your phone you fool. Watch it…when you see it light up…jump in there and answer the fucker…and if the busy, busy pace of Hong Kong life has you sleeping like a coma patient and you just can’t keep your eyes open to watch that screen, put your phone on vibrate…you’ll feel it ring and I wont have to listen to it…or even better, just forget about the fucking phone while you’re on the train you ignoramus. You look like nobody who needs to be fielding 10 calls a train trip. And another thing dummy…if your phone does start to ring how about you answer it promptly? Don’t let it blaze away polluting the public train you’re on – the one you’re sharing with other people,  with your loud, loud, loud, shit eatingly inane ring tone. Thanks for your cooperation dickhead. Video examples to come.
Rating: 9/10

1. Default speaking volume
The undisputed pollution champion. This one goes to 11 and I think I’ll opt for video proof instead of laboured descriptions. Well maybe some laboured descriptions while I compile footage. Hey, Mr Hong Kong man…how about you ease back on the volume? I’m just trying to ride this cramped bus/ train that we are all sharing together and I could really do without your prodigiously boomingly loud rib cage rattling ‘I want to smash you so hard in the face’ voice. That’s right you moron. You insensitive selfish bore. Your loud voice almost sucks even more than that nasty sounding language you’re yelling. Next time I see you Mr Hong Kong man, I’m going to put my video camera in your face and film your selfish antics so I can show other people just what a shit place you make Hong Kong. Fuck you.
Rating 11/10
Inexcusable….or…is it…(more analysis needed…I’ll do a fair and impartial survey) Survey results are in: Inexcusable.
mobile phone + the voice of a Hong Kong local = horror show
.Pictures & video evidence to come…it’s harder than I thought to get evidence on tape. It’s not that the evidence isn’t out there…you just have to be in the right spot at the right time with a camera ready. It’s like sitting around during a storm waiting for lightening to strike maybe.

Elevator ride. I think they thought they had the lift to themselves. Didn’t seem to show any small spacial awareness. Why would they? Not their problem if you’re being effected is it?

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9 Responses to Shit I’m deaf

  1. Joelle says:

    I must say: i couldn’t formulate it better!

  2. Iago says:

    Great pics – they all reminded me of something closely related to the grime; the smell. It is beyond repugnant. I’d rather park my nose in a fat man’s armpit than walk through the streets here…

  3. K-man says:

    Noise??? what noise…. actually I can’t hear anything after 5 years of blasting my tunes to drown out Hong Kong…. Next thing you know I will be telling the locals to get off my lawn…. if there was a lawn here… and I happened to own it.

  4. I have savage tinnitus because of this skanky, loud, ugly city.

  5. gowron says:

    Although I’m on your side here Dudley, I have to disagree. The only thing I like about Hong Kong and their driving, is the quietness. I get off the Shitchen train, I notice that the China side has all this really strange grime, and litter, then the Hong Kong side has clean. That the Shitchen side has mainlanders who sound like a gaggle of chickens, but oddly the Hong Kong side of the crossing is relatively quiet. But…. I agree also, here on Lamma, you have the frequent-occasional argument of couples, or friends or what not, bleating out their whatnots. (rant about goat like bleating later). But in Shanghai, and the mainland, in Shitchen actually Shitchen is kinda quiet, if you compare it to other rural or metropolises on the mainland. Well Rongxin, is a noisy ghetto city. Anyways, drivers as you know tend to drive like Deathrace 2000, (a movie about, futuristic race car drivers who get points for running over people, or crashing into each other). I love how they dont’ stop for you even though they have a red, and you have a green animated walk man, you point your hand up to get them to stop they don’t. I usually just clothes line them as they tend to wobble slowly they get man. I yell at them, they get frightened. But I didn’t have to resort to road rage here in Hong Kong. Like drivers tend to follow the rules, not drive on side walks like they do in China. Tapping their horns like morse code. or by passing traffic by driving on the pedestrian bridge. (I only saw that once in Calgary, this redneck decided he wanted to go to burger king so he drives over the grass median).

    Like walking in Shanghai is a psychotropic experience, with literally Billions of conversations going on at once. Loudly, softly, murmerly, clearly, angrily, happily, then it really does sound like voices in your head. Then say rural villages like Rongxin, then it sound like a fiestia carnival for chainsaw killers.

  6. Don’t compare mainlanders to HK people. It’s grossly unfair.

  7. Frankie says:

    I’d like to add one more thing to the list of noise pollution in Hong Kong. The unnecessary fucking annoying announcements on public transit. I do not need recorded announcements in 3 languages after every single stop to tell me what the next station is. We can all read can’t we? I’m pretty sure most people can figure out what the next stop is without hearing it in Cantonese, then Mandarin, then English. Of course, that’s then followed by which side the doors will open on “please stand back from the doors” in 3 languages and beep beep beep beep beep beep. Argh! Of course then some dipshit DIDN’T stand back from the doors, so the whole thing gets repeated again. Just when you’re about to start jabbing your own eye out to dull the pain, you get the announcement (in 3 languages of course) that eating or drinking is not allowed on the trains. It’s enough to make you want to jump in front of the next train that comes along. But they thought about that already. Stupid anti-suicide platform doors

  8. Sarah McCoy says:

    Sociopath in Culture.

    Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others.

  9. Today I forgot to charge my iPod. It was like suicide.

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