Hong Kong Obsession with Superficiality & Bullshit

When you reach the age of 15 months in Hong Kong it’s time for a sit down and a serious talk with your parents. Son. This is it. The rest of your life will be dictated by your actions today. Everything rides on this. Don’t disgrace us.

And with those tender reminders it’s off to your $4000, 1.5 hour Pre…Pre-Nursery interview and attainment test. Can you identify more than 20 kinds of fruit? Are you able to calculate simple equations to 2 decimal places by hand? Can you follow simple instructions? Can you ‘give me the ball’? How do you react when taken to a seperate room from your mother?

Now it’s time for some questions for mummy and daddy. What colour is your skin? What is your status…job, wealth, education? Is your child developmentally challenged? Club foot? Cleft lip?

YOU MUST STUDY HARD

YOU MUST STUDY HARD

This obsession with education in Hong Kong is as insane as the very society these 15 month old kids will eventually find themselves in. God knows when Hong Kong stopped being a community or ever was…but it’s a shopping mall now where most school leavers end up in the service industry.

And all this fervour…this delusion…this mania…this frothing at the mouth and fixation on education just chums the water for the kinds of two-bit slinking sharks who you can see loftily beaming down at you from billboards accross town in their totally fake roles as expert tutors. Check out these drinks of water…

Nothing but flim flams and shams

Nothing but flim flams and shams

We've turned education into a popularity contest and fashion show. Our goal? To see which tutor can appear the most vacuous.

We’ve turned education into a popularity contest and fashion show. Our goal? To see which tutor can appear the most vacuous.

Bullshit artists

Bullshit artists

Of course, Hong Kong people believe in this bullshit and lap these slimey turds up like ice-cream…because in Hong Kong what’s on the surface is all that counts.

Hangingh

I’m going to get a job in the service industry at a reasonably good hotel all because of you celebrity tutor! I like Korean drama!

Idiots

Posted in Hong Kong | 11 Comments

29° Celsius Cold Snap

Brrrrr

Brrrrr

This outfit will keep out the chill

This outfit will keep out the chill

A dollar each way...flannel top for the obvious chill factor..giant golf umbrella for the hot sun

A dollar each way…flannel top for the obvious chill factor…HUGE golf umbrella for the hot sun…

Rug up

Rug up

Wind breaker makes sense

Wind breaker makes sense because 29 degrees celsius is cold

Jack Frost's teeth are cold

Fuck you Jack Frost

Expecting snow

Expecting snow

This post brought to you by a refusal to walk

This post brought to you by a refusal to walk

This post brought to you by a refusal to move and failure to be aware

This post brought to you by a refusal to move, walk or demonstrate awareness for other people

God damn that looks tasty

God damn that looks tasty…

...but I think I'll go for the goose liver.

…but I think I’ll go for the goose liver…

...right after I get through this line...

…in about 45 minutes…

Posted in Hong Kong | 19 Comments

Let’s Have a Disgusting Selfish Picnic on the Bus!

Let's have a picnic on the bus. Good idea. I have cooked food and hot tea.

Let’s have a picnic on the bus. Good idea. I have cooked food and hot tea. But won’t the powerful smell of our cooked food, the sight of us eating on the bus and the sound of our slurping and smacking mouths annoy other passengers? Hahahahaha. No way. Let’s go!
Mummy I'm hungry and thirsty...oh darling mummy has brought some cooked food and a hot drink for your bus ride home let me rummage around in my bag and get it all ready for you darling...thanks mummy.

Mummy are you sure it’s ok to have a picnic on the bus? Oh darling mummy has brought some cooked food and a hot drink for your bus ride home. Mummy’s Indonesian slave…you know…the brown woman who sleeps under the sofa…helped to make it. Don’t worry. Let mummy rummage around in her bag and get it all ready for you…Ok thanks mummy.

Don't you mind a thing darling...clink and clank and scrape and slurp it all down. Dig that spoon right into every corner of that noisy metallic bowl. The louder you smack your gums together the happier mummy is.

Don’t you mind a thing my little fishball…clink and clank and scrape and slurp it all down. Dig that spoon right into every corner of that noisy metallic bowl. The louder you smack your gums together and the more often you stab that metal bowl with your metal spoon the happier mummy is. Make some noise my son!

Don't worry about those people holding their nose as the stench of your strange food wafts into their nostrils. They're just jealous. Smack your gums louder darling. Scrap and tap and clink and ting that metallic spoon all over that metallic bowl with a little more urgency darling.

Don’t worry about those people holding their nose at the stench of your bus picnic. Their stinging nostrils are just jealous. Smack your gums louder my little pig knuckle. Scrape and tap and clink and ting that metallic spoon all over that metallic bowl. There’s absolutely no reason at all not to.

Slurp it up. See how far you can get your head inside that bowl. Don't miss any. I won't mummy.

Slurp it up. See how far you can get your head inside that bowl. Don’t miss any. I won’t mummy. Tink tink clink clank tink slurp slap.

Time for some hot tea precious. Let mummy get it all ready for you.

Time for some hot tea my little dim sum. Here…let mummy get it all ready for you. Mummy why does that Indonesian sleep under our sofa? Hahaha. You don’t want her sharing your room do you? Hahaha no mummy. No way!

Mummy will pour some tea for you. You just keep eating. Keep shoveling food down your throat.

Mummy will pour some tea for you. You just keep eating. Keep shoveling food down your throat. I will mummy. Slap slap slurp burp chomp smack smack.

Let me feed you like a 10yo baby.

Let me feed you like an infant…even though you’re 10 years old.

There's my little milksop. Slurp it down. Noisily.

There’s my little milksop. Slurp it down. Noisily. I will mummy. Slurp slurp slurp.

I'll thank you all to mind your own business while I spoil and pamper my song with this delicious bus picnic.

I’ll thank you all to mind your own business while I spoil and pamper my son with this delicious bus picnic. Recoil from my lofty self important gaze.

And off we go. Enjoying our picnic in the bus safe from the choking smog.

And off we go. Enjoying our picnic on the bus safe from the choking smog.

This post brought to you by Hong Kong neighbours with the power of PROJECTION! Voices so ridiculously loud they barge out their closed door and right in through yours! It’s almost like having them in your own living room :) and no…the wailing voice doesn’t belong to someone waiting outside the lifts or in the corridor…she’s in her home…with her door shut

Posted in Hong Kong | 25 Comments

Hong Kong Psycho

Minibus pyscho's early works were a little new wave for my tastes...but when he flipped out majestically and kung fu kicked and punched a minibus driver...while that minibus driver was driving...I think he really came into his own commercially and artistically. The whole attack had a clear, crisp sound of consummate 'Hong Kong' that really gives the image of Hong Kong a big boost. He's been compared to Norman Bates...but I think Minibus Psycho has a far more bitter, oblivious sense of 'other people'.

Minibus Pyscho’s early tantrums were a little new wave for my tastes…but when he majestically flipped out and kung fu kicked and punched a minibus driver…while that minibus driver was driving…I think he really came into his own commercially and artistically. The whole attack had a clear, crisp sound of consummate ‘Hong Kong’ that really gives the image of Hong Kong a big boost. He’s been compared to Bus Uncle…but I think Minibus Psycho has a far more bitter, oblivious sense of ‘other people’.

Minibus drivers in Hong Kong don’t get the best of press…and rightly so because the overwhelming majority are boorish morons. But here’s one of the greatest videos of all time showing that even when minibus drivers do get something right and behave in a reasonable fashion there’s always some other boorish moron ready to step in and fulfill the Hong Kong creed of selfishness, obliviousness, ignorance, anger, spite, thoughtlessness and good old fashioned wild lashing out.

Watch…

Early reports state that the driver refused to let the passenger off in a restricted zone…makes sense…but then all hell broke loose. The passenger…or Minibus Psycho as I like to call him…just flipped out…completely lost his shit. A fantastic display showcasing what Hong Kong is all about…your narcissistic right to do whatever you damn well like up to and including putting human lives at risk because you might have to walk 10 extra steps or because somebody you probably consider your subordinate (a term shamelessly used in the HK workplace, by the way…along with ‘minor staff’) didn’t obey your command. This is what happens in Hong Kong when adults don’t get their lollipop.

We've seen these kinds of tantrums before

We’ve seen these kinds of tantrums before

Minibus Pyscho in action. Heyyyyyy ya!!!

Minibus Pyscho in action right before he launches into a flurry of kicks, punches and the always amusing ‘straight arm finger point’. You don’t stop where I want? We ALL die!!

The scene of the crime

The scene of the crime

Anyway…awesome stuff! I’d like to think that when the van came to a stop Minibus Psycho was dragged off by his fellow passengers and beaten to an unrecognizable bloody pulp…each stinging blow reinforced by stern teachings….you BANG stupid SMASH stupid BANG fucking SMASH dumb SMASH fuck faced RIB KICK cunt SNAP who the SMASH fucking BANG hell TEETH SMASH do you CRUNCH think BANG you SMASH are? SMASHBANGCRUNCHSNAP…but that’s just me…

Keep on truckin’ everyone

Posted in Hong Kong | Tagged | 18 Comments

Hong Kong Hiking Horror

Hong Kong Hiking

Scenic Hong Kong hiking

How’s it going nature lovers?

Tired of trundling through the same old HK shopping malls? Had it up here with your neighbour’s favourite hobby: drilling? Want to maim meandering Aunty Ma as she obliviously stymies your best efforts to get around her on the footpath? Sick of the smog, scum, filth, noise, stink, skank, rank, crowd, loud, rude, crude food, grey, drab, choke of the city? Need some fresh air, the happy snap of twigs under your feet and the sun on your back?

The smog views are some of the best in the world

The smog views are some of the best in the world

Well in Hong Kong, you’re fuck out of luck because the hiking trails and country parks here are abominations.

You can’t really knock a person, I suppose, who likes to get outside and do something a bit active. But in Hong Kong…you can…and I will.

Treacherous cement paths

Treacherous cement paths

Chances are in HK, anyone you’re going to see out on one of the hiking trails, whether they be walking, running, flying a model plane or chasing butterflies…is an absolute hands down annoying prick.

Trekking poles are a must if you want to navigate such terrain

Trekking poles are a must if you want to safely navigate such terrain

Hong Kong hikers like to fan out shoulder to shoulder on trails perfectly oblivious to everything but their fear of insects, their sun paranoia and their own raucous conversations about food. Nature is something to be hated and defeated to these people. They blot out the sun because they don’t want people to think they’re ditch squatting farmers, they mock nature’s harmonious frequency with objectionable B-Grade Cantonese radio music blaring from their heavily laden specialty hiking utility belts…they litter like it’s a sport, they laugh at cattle, fear dirt, run away from flies and generally combat any semblance of peace and tranquility by clapping and squealing and yelling about the latest Cafe de Coral discount vouchers they got with their recent herculean toilet paper purchase.

You might as well be walking down Nathan Road

You might as well be walking down Nathan Road

Marine life on the trail

The ocean is teeming with life

Hong Kong people are so puzzled and intimidated by nature that an hours bush walk, often on fully paved paths, requires store bought, titanium trekking poles, deluxe backpacks, heavy duty hiking boots, skin tight lycra suits emblazoned with corporate slogans and logos, mosquito patches, thousands of tissues, heart rate beepers, loud radios, enough food & drink to sink a battleship, surgical face masks to fight dust and full scale walkie talkie communications systems. Basically, the idea is to dress like you’re about to tackle K2.

Hillarity

Hilarity

Double hillarity

…almost mauled by a cow…double hilarity

When it’s not too hot the paths are choked with scores of these nuts making their way like lemmings either to a seedy BBQ pit where they can give new meaning to the problem of disposable utensil waste or to some restaurant at the end of the trail where they will wail and cry and jump up and down and clap and squeal ecstatically when they are served a warm cup of water with a flower in it.

Nature's harmony

Very Hong Kong

Come for the fresh air...stay for the trash

Come for the fresh air…stay for the refuse

An ecstasy of trash!

An ecstasy of trash!

The perfect end to a Hong Kong hike...I'm not sure it gets any better than this!

The perfect end to a Hong Kong hike…I’m not sure it gets any better than this. Look at those giblets!

Seedy BBQ pit

Many delicious food

The head's the best part

The head’s the best part

Sometimes the best thing you can do in HK to get away from it all is just to stay at home with your fingers in your ears and pray that Mr Chan next door hasn’t bought a new set of drill bits he wants to try out for a few hours or so.

If you do bite the old bullet and decide to have a crack…here’s the HK Country Parks complaint hotline number:

lol

lol

Mr Chan inspects the latest in drills

Mr Chan inspects the latest in drills

This post brought to you by fish semen sandwiches...

This post brought to you by fish semen sandwiches…

...Hong Kong smog...

…Hong Kong smog…

...hiking hijinks...

…hiking hijinks…

...suitcase shopping bags...

…suitcase shopping bags…

...baby shark bargains...

…baby shark bargains…

...massive organized hiking groups...

…highly annoying ,very loud organized hiking groups…

...the Disrespectful to Dirt Authority of HK...

…the Disrespectful to Dirt Authority of HK…

...the 'sport is so corporate these days'...Tour de MTR...

…the ‘sport is so corporate these days’…Tour de MTR…

...making yourself right at home...

…making yourself right at home…

...and impossibly delicious decisions.

…and impossibly delicious decisions.

Happy hiking!

Posted in Hong Kong | 24 Comments

Hong Kong: The Fast the Slow and the Fucked in the Head

Go on talking about Hong Kong

Go on talking about Hong Kong

Evening Hong Kong lovers.

Thought we might take a look at just how fast Hong Kong is…because wow…the pace of life is just so fucking fast in Hong Kong I just can’t believe it. But that’s not all…as a bonus I’ve included…just how fucking slow Hong Kong is and as an extra bonus…just how fucked in the head Hong Kong is. Let’s take a squizz…

The FAST

1. The super fast local who snags a seat on the MTR against all odds and at any cost. It’s quite something to watch the precision, the single-mindedness, the drive, the purpose and the determination locals muster when bagging that all important seat. Their slick nimbleness belies their pasty translucent pallor and drink of water posture.

Seat snaggin'

Seat snaggin’

2. The speed at which locals speak is so damn fast, with so few pauses for breath they’d give a group of Filipino maids a run for their money.

3. Feeling hungry? Hong Kong people are always hungry and enjoy nothing more than satisfying that hunger by gorging at break-neck speed. Chopsticks blur like pistons as they attack their feed and stab it into their greedy mouths until it’s all gone.

Chopstick pistons

Chopstick pistons start your engines

Go go go

Go go go

It's dinner time again...again.

It’s dinner time again…again.

4. Everyone’s a racing car driver in Hong Kong..and you crossing the road enrages them. They won’t allow it. If you try, they will accelerate from as far away as 100 meters just to head you off at the pass. They dive bomb corners like Chinese Kamikaze, roar down narrow crowded roads and gun their car in 10 meter bursts when it’s bumper to bumper.  They recklessly speed to make traffic lights even if it means just missing the green and having to sit moronically idle in the middle of a pedestrian crossing engulfed by people.

Street looked ideal for high speed...don't know how I went wrong

Street looked ideal for high speed…don’t know how I went wrong

There's a car in the middle somewhere...the dickhead driver thought he could make the light

There’s a car in the middle somewhere…the driver thought he could make the light…now he’s a public spectacle and hopefully having his car keyed

5. They are quick to judge. Westerners are shockingly loose and open minded hedonists out to get what they can, ‘black people’ are scary monsters, Indians stink and can’t be trusted…Filipinos are all psychopathic bus murderers. Hong Kongers are the masters of preconceived notions, gaping generalizations, stereotypes, cliche, group think, suspicion and no questions asked stigmatization. They are staggeringly ignorant and they’ll prove it to you in a second.

Not to be trusted

Not to be trusted

6. Hong Kong people are the fastest people I’ve ever seen (and the only people I’ve ever seen) to whip out their calculator to painstakingly and fastidiously split their Yum Cha bill after a gathering with friends to try many delicious food.

As soon as this bowl's done the calculators are coming out. Gonna split that bill right up fair and square.

Trying many delicious food

The SLOW

1. After whipping out their calculator, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bigger cluster fuck than watching 5 or 6 Hong Kongers struggle to work out who pays what. Bills are checked in triplicate by each individual all to the tune of some of the most horrendously disturbing Cantonese cackling you’ll ever want to hear. You’ll wish you never came and swear on your mother’s grave you won’t make the same mistake again.

2. Asshats at the ATM? Some of the most clueless individuals in HK can be found staring and tapping away at ATM machines completely oblivious to the concept of other people.

Dear god

Dear god

3. Footpath fools. For a fast paced city shit there’s a lot of clueless ambling clowns who excel in going slow, wandering all over the place, stopping abruptly, standing in groups in the middle of the sidewalk or walking zombie-like right at you.

4. Very slow to take a hint. Ever make the mistake of browsing a shop in Hong Kong only to have staff begin to shadow your every move and lurk distrustfully right behind you? Should you turn to give them an I’m ok thanks look, they just won’t get it. They’ll move again into your blind spot hovering like the annoying prick they’ve been trained to be.

5. Work in Hong Kong? If you have, then no doubt you’ve endured a workplace meeting where decisions are finalized and issues are covered only after as much hair pulling and tedium as can possibly be imagined has come to pass. I think it’s called circular decision making or something. Outcomes can only be reached after the discussion has gone around and around and around and around and around…again and again and again and again and again…

Can we just go over that again?

Can we just go over that again?

6. Slow to grow up…which could be a good thing I suppose…but…

...come ON!

…come on now…

.

…and The FUCKED IN THE HEAD

Mr Wong takes a 'pre' shot...

Mr Wong takes a ‘pre’ shot…

...and the matching 'post'.

…and the matching ‘post’.

Posted in Hong Kong | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

There’s Something Fishy Around Here!

You could say the secret ingredient is the suffering :)

You could say the secret ingredient is the suffering :)

Evening FOOD lovers!

You know there’s a lot that spells DELICIOUS in Hong Kong…Ox tongue on a cold winter’s night can’t be beat…limp bread drenched in a whole can of condensed milk oozes class and sophistication…the bigger and more horrendous the pork knuckle the happier I get…everyone knows Hong Kong is a great place to eat FOOD.

But if there’s one thing that spells DELICIOUS more than anything else here its fish dying a painful and humiliating death in the bottom of a restaurant tank. There’s nothing more mouth-watering than seeing a once majestic Red Emperor cowering for its life in the corner of a bare glass death tank…eyes so cloudy, beaten and deformed it looks radioactive…skin so torn and mutilated it looks like it’s been hit by a truck.

FUCK KING D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S

I'll have that dead one

I’ll have that dead one

From time to time you see such fish trying to hide behind the tank filter, behind other frightened doomed fish or amongst schools of ever paddling but going nowhere prawns. Sometimes the cagiest ones even try to float upside down and play dead. Idiots! The ones praying for a swift end to life aren’t even guaranteed that. Chances are they’ll wind up sliced in half on display with their mouths sucking the wrong kind of oxygen and their hearts beating a slow and sorry death.

But none of that shit crosses my mind when I get near a death tank. It’s all I can do to stop myself from diving in holus-bolus so I can start ripping scales off with my bare teeth, sucking eyeballs out of their crushed sockets and tearing fins off left right and center. A fucking fish feeding frenzy.  What a delicious spectacle that would be.

But I control myself and point out my victim so the guy who’s well practiced at shooting fish in a barrel can chase my meaty brain food all around the tank while the kids delight in watching every fish go collectively absolutely and utterly bat shit crazy, churning the water, smashing their skulls on every possible glass panel many times over…scales everywhere…bloodcurdling clouds of urine and afterbirth.

It comes to me cooked well and riddled with cysts and sores. Just how I like it.

Just how everyone in Hong Kong likes it.

Rusty the now dead rock cod

Rusty the now dead rock cod

Get in my belly

Bucket of chum

It’s all I can do to stop myself from diving in holus-bolus so I can start ripping scales off with my bare teeth

It’s all I can do to stop myself from diving in holus-bolus so I can start ripping scales off with my bare teeth

I see food and I eat it

Stacked in like…sardines…ha ha ha…I see food and I eat it…ROFL

There's a party in my mouth and you're all gonna die

There’s a party in my mouth and you’re all gonna die

Posted in Hong Kong | 58 Comments