Hong Kong: The Fast the Slow and the Fucked in the Head

Go on talking about Hong Kong

Go on talking about Hong Kong

Evening Hong Kong lovers.

Thought we might take a look at just how fast Hong Kong is…because wow…the pace of life is just so fucking fast in Hong Kong I just can’t believe it. But that’s not all…as a bonus I’ve included…just how fucking slow Hong Kong is and as an extra bonus…just how fucked in the head Hong Kong is. Let’s take a squizz…

The FAST

1. The super fast local who snags a seat on the MTR against all odds and at any cost. It’s quite something to watch the precision, the single-mindedness, the drive, the purpose and the determination locals muster when bagging that all important seat. Their slick nimbleness belies their pasty translucent pallor and drink of water posture.

Seat snaggin'

Seat snaggin’

2. The speed at which locals speak is so damn fast, with so few pauses for breath they’d give a group of Filipino maids a run for their money.

3. Feeling hungry? Hong Kong people are always hungry and enjoy nothing more than satisfying that hunger by gorging at break-neck speed. Chopsticks blur like pistons as they attack their feed and stab it into their greedy mouths until it’s all gone.

Chopstick pistons

Chopstick pistons start your engines

Go go go

Go go go

It's dinner time again...again.

It’s dinner time again…again.

4. Everyone’s a racing car driver in Hong Kong..and you crossing the road enrages them. They won’t allow it. If you try, they will accelerate from as far away as 100 meters just to head you off at the pass. They dive bomb corners like Chinese Kamikaze, roar down narrow crowded roads and gun their car in 10 meter bursts when it’s bumper to bumper.  They recklessly speed to make traffic lights even if it means just missing the green and having to sit moronically idle in the middle of a pedestrian crossing engulfed by people.

Street looked ideal for high speed...don't know how I went wrong

Street looked ideal for high speed…don’t know how I went wrong

There's a car in the middle somewhere...the dickhead driver thought he could make the light

There’s a car in the middle somewhere…the driver thought he could make the light…now he’s a public spectacle and hopefully having his car keyed

5. They are quick to judge. Westerners are shockingly loose and open minded hedonists out to get what they can, ‘black people’ are scary monsters, Indians stink and can’t be trusted…Filipinos are all psychopathic bus murderers. Hong Kongers are the masters of preconceived notions, gaping generalizations, stereotypes, cliche, group think, suspicion and no questions asked stigmatization. They are staggeringly ignorant and they’ll prove it to you in a second.

Not to be trusted

Not to be trusted

6. Hong Kong people are the fastest people I’ve ever seen (and the only people I’ve ever seen) to whip out their calculator to painstakingly and fastidiously split their Yum Cha bill after a gathering with friends to try many delicious food.

As soon as this bowl's done the calculators are coming out. Gonna split that bill right up fair and square.

Trying many delicious food

The SLOW

1. After whipping out their calculator, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bigger cluster fuck than watching 5 or 6 Hong Kongers struggle to work out who pays what. Bills are checked in triplicate by each individual all to the tune of some of the most horrendously disturbing Cantonese cackling you’ll ever want to hear. You’ll wish you never came and swear on your mother’s grave you won’t make the same mistake again.

2. Asshats at the ATM? Some of the most clueless individuals in HK can be found staring and tapping away at ATM machines completely oblivious to the concept of other people.

Dear god

Dear god

3. Footpath fools. For a fast paced city shit there’s a lot of clueless ambling clowns who excel in going slow, wandering all over the place, stopping abruptly, standing in groups in the middle of the sidewalk or walking zombie-like right at you.

4. Very slow to take a hint. Ever make the mistake of browsing a shop in Hong Kong only to have staff begin to shadow your every move and lurk distrustfully right behind you? Should you turn to give them an I’m ok thanks look, they just won’t get it. They’ll move again into your blind spot hovering like the annoying prick they’ve been trained to be.

5. Work in Hong Kong? If you have, then no doubt you’ve endured a workplace meeting where decisions are finalized and issues are covered only after as much hair pulling and tedium as can possibly be imagined has come to pass. I think it’s called circular decision making or something. Outcomes can only be reached after the discussion has gone around and around and around and around and around…again and again and again and again and again…

Can we just go over that again?

Can we just go over that again?

6. Slow to grow up…which could be a good thing I suppose…but…

...come ON!

…come on now…

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…and The FUCKED IN THE HEAD

Mr Wong takes a 'pre' shot...

Mr Wong takes a ‘pre’ shot…

...and the matching 'post'.

…and the matching ‘post’.

Posted in Hong Kong | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

There’s Something Fishy Around Here!

You could say the secret ingredient is the suffering :)

You could say the secret ingredient is the suffering :)

Evening FOOD lovers!

You know there’s a lot that spells DELICIOUS in Hong Kong…Ox tongue on a cold winter’s night can’t be beat…limp bread drenched in a whole can of condensed milk oozes class and sophistication…the bigger and more horrendous the pork knuckle the happier I get…everyone knows Hong Kong is a great place to eat FOOD.

But if there’s one thing that spells DELICIOUS more than anything else here its fish dying a painful and humiliating death in the bottom of a restaurant tank. There’s nothing more mouth-watering than seeing a once majestic Red Emperor cowering for its life in the corner of a bare glass death tank…eyes so cloudy, beaten and deformed it looks radioactive…skin so torn and mutilated it looks like it’s been hit by a truck.

FUCK KING D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S

I'll have that dead one

I’ll have that dead one

From time to time you see such fish trying to hide behind the tank filter, behind other frightened doomed fish or amongst schools of ever paddling but going nowhere prawns. Sometimes the cagiest ones even try to float upside down and play dead. Idiots! The ones praying for a swift end to life aren’t even guaranteed that. Chances are they’ll wind up sliced in half on display with their mouths sucking the wrong kind of oxygen and their hearts beating a slow and sorry death.

But none of that shit crosses my mind when I get near a death tank. It’s all I can do to stop myself from diving in holus-bolus so I can start ripping scales off with my bare teeth, sucking eyeballs out of their crushed sockets and tearing fins off left right and center. A fucking fish feeding frenzy.  What a delicious spectacle that would be.

But I control myself and point out my victim so the guy who’s well practiced at shooting fish in a barrel can chase my meaty brain food all around the tank while the kids delight in watching every fish go collectively absolutely and utterly bat shit crazy, churning the water, smashing their skulls on every possible glass panel many times over…scales everywhere…bloodcurdling clouds of urine and afterbirth.

It comes to me cooked well and riddled with cysts and sores. Just how I like it.

Just how everyone in Hong Kong likes it.

Rusty the now dead rock cod

Rusty the now dead rock cod

Get in my belly

Bucket of chum

It’s all I can do to stop myself from diving in holus-bolus so I can start ripping scales off with my bare teeth

It’s all I can do to stop myself from diving in holus-bolus so I can start ripping scales off with my bare teeth

I see food and I eat it

Stacked in like…sardines…ha ha ha…I see food and I eat it…ROFL

There's a party in my mouth and you're all gonna die

There’s a party in my mouth and you’re all gonna die

Posted in Hong Kong | 58 Comments

Human Mules

Why carry your own bag to school when you can stride out confidently and unfettered in front of your very own human mule?

A solid grounding in arrogance, superiority and self importance. Just the ticket for the youth of HK.

A solid grounding in arrogance, superiority and self importance. Cornerstones for a great start to life in HK.

I bark orders at my slave without even turning around or breaking my stride. Just like mummy does.

I bark orders at my human mule without even turning around or breaking stride. Just like mummy does.

This post brought to you by…

The 'cum' in official HK Government wording

The ‘cum’ in official HK Government wording…

...taking your suitcase for a spin through department stores...

…taking your suitcase for a spin through department stores…

...lining up for 4 hours to get free cotton candy...

…lining up for 4 hours to get free cotton candy…

...lining up at the bank with brow furrowing button pushers...

…lining up at the bank with brow furrowing button pushers…

...and Gladys the Groovy Mule.

…and Gladys the Groovy Mule.

Posted in Hong Kong | 23 Comments

The Real Hong Kong??

Absolutely…

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Hong Kong…it’s one big happy hippie commune.

Peace Hong Kong brothers. I love you all.

Peace and love my Hong Kong brothers. Peace and love.

Peace & Love, Tolerance & Understanding

Peace & Love, Tolerance & Understanding

Football hooliganism in Hong Kong? Filipino fans claim racial abuse

Football match at Mong Kok Stadium turns not-so-friendly
Wednesday, 05 June, 2013, 4:43pm
Noel Prentice
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Hong Kong football fans were accused of racial abuse, including yelling “you’re all just slaves”, as an international friendly turned not-so-friendly at Mong Kok Stadium on Tuesday night.

Social media sites were alive on Wednesday morning with Philippines fans accusing a section of the Hong Kong supporters of “calling us a slave nation”, throwing bottles at mostly women and children and booing the Philippine national anthem.

One Filipino called it a “traumatic experience”, while another said she was reduced to tears.

One expatriate fan said he was disgusted by the Hong Kong supporters, who were further incensed as Hong Kong went on to lose the game 1-0.

“At the end of the game there were ugly scenes when the Philippines side tried to celebrate with their fans and were subjected to such abuse – verbal, gestures and physical – as they were pelted with bottles and other objects,” the Englishman told the South China Morning Post on Wednesday morning.

“Then I was even more disgusted to hear some local guys shouting to the group of Philippine men, women and children, who were happily celebrating, that they were ‘all just slaves’…and making obscene gestures to them.”

He said they also booed loudly throughout the playing of the national anthem and it was not reciprocated by the many Filipinos during the Chinese anthem, as they stood with reasonable respect.

The expat said he would normally cheer his “home” team Hong Kong, but after “the pathetic and boorish behaviour of the locals during the anthem, and then jeering every time the Filipinos started to cheer their team, I very quickly switched to supporting the underdogs”.

Another fan said security staff tried their best to bring order.

One fan suggested there was still a lot of ill-feeling between Hong Kong and the Philippines after eight Hongkongers died in the Manila hostage crisis in 2010 when sacked policeman Rolando Mendoza hijacked a tour bus and opened fire.

The incident also comes amid debate about racism in Hong Kong after a map created by The Washington Post based on data from the World Values Survey last month revealed that 26.8 per cent of Hongkongers did not want a neighbour of a different race.

Misinterpreted data in an earlier version of the map put the figure at 71.8 per cent, which suggested that Hong Kong was one of the least racially tolerant cities in the world.

While the revised results were less startling, they were still high by comparison with much of the world, alongside Malaysia, the Philippines and France.

Hong Kong soccer fans show their appreciation by hurling missiles and insults at their guests.

Hong Kong soccer fans show their appreciation by hurling missiles and insults at their guests. “You’re all just slaves!” they warmly cheered.

Posted in Hong Kong | 81 Comments

Taking the Piss out of Starbucks

…might be a good idea to take the fecal matter out too…

Piss

You know, I don’t know what it is about Hong Kong, but the locals don’t really seem to mind hanging out in toilets. They’ll happily take their lunch box in there and rinse it out from the same tap where Mr Fong and 10 other dim sum defecating demons just washed their shit smeared digits. They’ll stand for minutes at a time splashing dubious amounts of potentially deadly water all over their face to freshen up. They’ll stand side by side with Mr Fang, washing their lunch box, while Fang splashes the contaminated water from his hands all over the walls, floor, mirror, sink, tap, soap dispenser and hard to locate paper towel holder. I have no idea what goes on in the ladies…but Hong Kong males seem to favour the public toilet as a place to spend 30 to 40 minutes preening themselves, primping themselves…just hanging out…nostrils full of shit.

The scene of thousands of crimes

The scene of thousands of crimes

There’s always someone shitting in Hong Kong…and the small, skanky Starbucks shitter in the Bank of China Tower is no exception. While it is alarming that Starbucks source their coffee water from this fecal harbouring filth hole…it’s not surprising. If Starbucks does it, you can bet there’s few other food and drink establishments in Hong Kong that don’t. Can you imagine what they do at Fairwood, Cafe De Coral or the Spaghetti House? The word ‘horrific’ comes to mind. I don’t even want to think about what goes on at your average yum cha restaurant.

The process: Step 1...make sure the coast is clear...Step 2: fill her up...Step 3: get back to base...Step 4: make delicious coffee

The process: Step 1…make sure the coast is clear…Step 2: fill her up…Step 3: get back to base…Step 4: make delicious coffee

You always get the feeling at Hong Kong food and drink businesses that the line between health and savage stomach crippling diarrhea induced death is paper thin. Hong Kong’s only about half a step ahead when it comes to sanitation and hygiene. Behind every shop front, around every corner…there’s a whole world of urine, shit and disease waiting for its chance to fuck…you…up.

Deelish

Deelish

Posted in Hong Kong | 4 Comments

You know you’re turning local when…

They’re having a whale of a time over at a popular HK expat forum…here’s some highlights…you know you’re turning into a HK local when…

IMG_1203

…when this looks delicious

- you see a long queue and instinctively join it in case you are missing out on something.

- you find yourself repeating ‘Take a rest’ and ‘eat’ pills when sick.

- you hit door close in the elevator before I am in the elevator myself.

- you use la on the end of sentences

- you walk your songbird to the park in your PJs.

- you stare at people, laugh, and use racial slurs

- you eat weak soup with macaroni, ham and peas for breakfast

- you spit bones onto tables

- you avoid sitting with ‘brown’ people.

- you burp loudly in public and think nothing of it.

- you spend half an hour squeezing and inspecting every orange in the supermarket while blocking everyone else from being able to get any

You enjoy queues

You enjoy queues

- you get the family to walk 4 across in the mall at turtle speed, making sure to spread out just enough to stop anyone getting past

- you say ‘black colour’

- your weekends are spent looking at a 40 ft plastic duck!

- you bring tempo packets with you for lunch and spend the entire time on your iPhone/galaxy instead of chatting with your coworkers. Only to pause to take a photo of your meal to upload on Facebook or instagram..

- you say “salmon fish” instead of “salmon”

- you love sucking your teeth, especially after a meal while you clean your teeth with a pick

- you (if you are a male) start rolling up your t shirt into a crop top when it gets too hot

- you pretend you are still a little girl acting all cute flashing a “V” sign in front of a camera…despite being an utter bitch the rest of the time

You've never given so much as a dollar to a beggar because they are dirty scum

You’ve never given so much as a dollar to a beggar because they are dirty

- the first thing you do is to take pictures when the food arrives

- you still have cute hello Kitty phone straps even though you are over 40

- you queue up for 10 hours just to see the first or last of something

- you stop suddenly at the top or bottom of escalators pondering the meaning of life

-  you think fish in restaurant display tanks look delicious as opposed to beaten and suffering in misery

- you stab people in the eyeballs with your umbrella without a care in the world

- you clean cutlery or plates in restaurants like a murderer trying to remove fingerprints from the scene of a crime

-  you cover your mouth in shame with one hand while the other digs food out of your rotten teeth with a toothpick

This looks delicious

This looks delicious

- you admit to being afraid of black people

- you realize you are consumed with hate for mainlanders and jealousy of westerners

- you can feel your mind closing in on itself tighter and tighter every day

- you think severed fish heads look like just the ticket for dinner

- you think you work hard play hard

- nature frightens you

You eat like you're being timed

You eat like you’re being timed

- you wear snow jackets in the middle of summer

- you yell as loud as you can on the phone everywhere and anywhere

- you start wearing your stressful life circumstances and the stress of the city as a badge of honour

- you line up for an hour to throw a ball through a hoop to win a promotional sized packet of chips

- you become completely oblivious

- you love Manchester United but couldn’t say what sport they played

-  you charge people to come to your wedding

-  you think Maxims cakes taste delicious

You have no idea why you're in the queue

You have no idea why you’re in the queue

- you clap your hands, jump up and down and can’t control your excitement at the sight of a bowl of soup

- you drink your beer through a straw

- you’ve stopped giggling at the ‘cum’ in official HK government wording

- you wipe every single drip of water off you after a rain cause wet and AC equals catching a cold for sure. Letting water dry naturally is also known to absorb into the skin and haunt you in your elder years with bone and joint aches.

- you’re super mentally strong and willing to work/sit at your desk in front of the computer for 15 hours straight while being unwilling to take any physical stress such as walking up a flight of stairs

- your only talent involves either using a DSLR, joystick, keyboard, mouse or phone.

- you’re a single woman who gathers with other single woman and post your weekly gatherings and dinners on Facebook to let others know you’re living a full and happy life despite being single in your 30’s

- you go to Mcdonald’s and leave the tray on the table after eating

-  the check comes at a restaurant and you and your 5 friends dive for your mobile phone calculators to split the bill to the nearest cent

- you’re playing Candy Crush in public with sound turned up as loud as your phone will go!

-  you go to Ocean Park on the weekends to see the pandas and buy fried octopus as delicious snack.

- you’re knocking down women, children, elderly and disabled to get onto MTR / or MTR platform lift.

- you’ve developed muscle atrophy from complete lack of physical activity to the point that you can’t possibly open a door.

- you enjoy your pizza topped with smoked salmon ‘fish’ and sweet corn with thousand island dressing

You get married at McDonald's

You get married at McDonald’s

- you go to ‘yum cha’ and it doesn’t make you shit through a straw half an hour later

- you call talentless local singers or actors ‘artists’

- you buy 14 packets of jumbo toilet paper and 65 boxes of tissues every three days

- you leave your shopping trolley wherever you damn well like

- you think the room is stuffy if a window is not open…in the middle of winter

- you think it’s normal to have to get a doctor’s note when you take a day off

- you list hiking and badminton as your hobbies but never go hiking and don’t own a badminton racket

You just go to the shops for toilet paper

You just go to the shops for toilet paper

- you routinely ignore armless, legless or burn victim beggars on the ground

- you wear a tracksuit that says ‘just do it’ but haven’t run since you were 12

- you enjoy having ‘gatherings’ with friends

- you stare like a vulture into other people’s shopping trolleys

- you cock your leg and fart in the presence of women mid conversation…and neither you or any of the women bat an eyelid

- you eat Cafe de Coral every morning and manage to even slurp on the bun

- you describe food that you don’t like as being ‘not delicious’

- you have 848 sachets of ketchup in your fridge, from McDonald’s. IT’S FREE!!!

You drink your beer through a straw

You drink your beer through a straw

- you have a nice comfortable seat on the bus or train!? Poor weak old lady enters!? Gawd, you’re suddenly soooooooooo tired, let’s close those eyes and take a nap!!! QUICK!!!

- the only descriptive word in your vocabulary is ‘interesting’

- When you’re almost at your bus stop and you see your bus about to take off without you, you just start running on the road in front of it while waving your arms. Who cares you might get run over!? You would have to wait a whole 5 more minutes if you can’t be on this bus!!!

-  you are absolutely germophobic. It’s ironic though cause most of the places you see locals live in are constantly dripping with AC water and reek of a constant odor.

You like crowds

You really, really don’t like mainlanders

- you used to say Bye
then started saying B’ bye
but have now moved onto a fully fledged B’ baaii

- you can’t leave home without your packet of knock-off tempos and can only buy newspaper pre-packed in a plastic bag with the knock-off tempo.

- you call for the waitress by waiving your hand and screaming “mgooooi”

- you never tip anybody and quickly collect all the change (coins included)

- you check 40 cards per visit at the ATM

- you have signs or coffee mugs on your desk that say ‘Relax, God’s in control’

- you hang out naked in the gym change room for hours on end with other decrepit old men smearing your balls over all the chairs

- you haven’t cooked anything in 10 years

- you love sugar on and in everything

- you love corn and always want more corn

- when the parties over you stand up in unison and leave

- you believe in group think

- you walk down to you local clubhouse in your slippers and with a bag of soap for your daily shower

- you dry your balls with a blow dryer at the gym locker room before dusting them with baby powder

- you go on holiday somewhere because ‘there have many delicious food’

- your favourite animals are pork, fish, chicken and beef

- you spit into rubbish bins

- you casually stroll to the toilet while the plane is taxiing

- you can’t detect the disgusting stench at the Hung Hom waterfront

- you beat your helper

- you think flip flops are strictly beach wear and are completely and utterly gobsmacked if you see them worn outside that setting

- you go all the way back home to get your shopping bag because money is too tight to pay for a 50 cent plastic bag…and just like every other person in HK you love the environment with all your heart

- you bow your head before lunch to pray to jesus after which you dig into some kind of sorry animal carcass

- you’re completely and utterly hoodwinked by Jesus

- you dive bomb corners at warp speed when driving without indicating

- you beam like a fool and keep repeating ‘new look! new look!’ when a colleague of yours wears a tie you haven’t seen before

- you wear every single fashion trend together in one outfit…

- you think the food in Cafe de Coral is western food…

- you think nobody notices that your carefully arranged hairstyle is a combover…

- you think it’s perfectly normal to constantly speak at 100 decibel (insert location) but complain when mainlanders speak loudly in public…

- McDonald’s is a crucial part of your diet

- you treat people like crap and chalk it up to culture
– you treat your mobile phone better than your helper/children
– you have no sympathy or empathy for anyone or anything
– the only type of sausage you know of is a hotdog
– you feel the need to have the latest gadgets no matter the cost
– you freak out if you hear the work ‘FUCK’
– the ringtone to your mobile phone is a fucking Eminem song
– you read a blog like this and get upset …because you have YOUR HEAD IN YOUR FUCKING ASS

- you wander in to take your seat at the movies 25 minutes after the movie’s started

- you’re a stupid dumb cunt

- you rush into the elevator before I have had a chance to get out…because you’re a stupid dumb inconsiderate selfish cunt

You blow dry your balls

You blow dry your balls

Instant cool

Instant cool

See ya

Don’t eat me

Posted in Hong Kong | 77 Comments

Got Milk…powder??

If you’re a responsible Chinese mainlander, Hong Kong is where you come to buy stuff that won’t poison you to death quicker than you can say this milk tastes funny or this egg looks strange.

My trip to Hong Kong

My trip to Hong Kong

IMG_1412

Sightseeing at Watsons

If you do come to Hong Kong for supplies that won’t kill you, a word of warning…be careful if you pass through Sheung Shui…

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Anyway, it’s all a bit much for me. What’s wrong with a bit of the old au naturel?

Just as nature intended

Just as nature intended

This post brought to you by fire retardant food additives.

This post brought to you by fire retardant food additives…

...and growing popularity

…and growing popularity

Posted in Hong Kong | 1 Comment