They’re having a whale of a time over at a popular HK expat forum…here’s some highlights…you know you’re turning into a HK local when…
…when this looks delicious
- you see a long queue and instinctively join it in case you are missing out on something.
- you find yourself repeating ‘Take a rest’ and ‘eat’ pills when sick.
- you hit door close in the elevator before I am in the elevator myself.
- you use la on the end of sentences
- you walk your songbird to the park in your PJs.
- you stare at people, laugh, and use racial slurs
- you eat weak soup with macaroni, ham and peas for breakfast
- you spit bones onto tables
- you avoid sitting with ‘brown’ people.
- you burp loudly in public and think nothing of it.
- you spend half an hour squeezing and inspecting every orange in the supermarket while blocking everyone else from being able to get any
You enjoy queues
- you get the family to walk 4 across in the mall at turtle speed, making sure to spread out just enough to stop anyone getting past
- you say ‘black colour’
- your weekends are spent looking at a 40 ft plastic duck!
- you bring tempo packets with you for lunch and spend the entire time on your iPhone/galaxy instead of chatting with your coworkers. Only to pause to take a photo of your meal to upload on Facebook or instagram..
- you say “salmon fish” instead of “salmon”
- you love sucking your teeth, especially after a meal while you clean your teeth with a pick
- you (if you are a male) start rolling up your t shirt into a crop top when it gets too hot
- you pretend you are still a little girl acting all cute flashing a “V” sign in front of a camera…despite being an utter bitch the rest of the time
You’ve never given so much as a dollar to a beggar because they are dirty
- the first thing you do is to take pictures when the food arrives
- you still have cute hello Kitty phone straps even though you are over 40
- you queue up for 10 hours just to see the first or last of something
- you stop suddenly at the top or bottom of escalators pondering the meaning of life
- you think fish in restaurant display tanks look delicious as opposed to beaten and suffering in misery
- you stab people in the eyeballs with your umbrella without a care in the world
- you clean cutlery or plates in restaurants like a murderer trying to remove fingerprints from the scene of a crime
- you cover your mouth in shame with one hand while the other digs food out of your rotten teeth with a toothpick
This looks delicious
- you admit to being afraid of black people
- you realize you are consumed with hate for mainlanders and jealousy of westerners
- you can feel your mind closing in on itself tighter and tighter every day
- you think severed fish heads look like just the ticket for dinner
- you think you work hard play hard
- nature frightens you
You eat like you’re being timed
- you wear snow jackets in the middle of summer
- you yell as loud as you can on the phone everywhere and anywhere
- you start wearing your stressful life circumstances and the stress of the city as a badge of honour
- you line up for an hour to throw a ball through a hoop to win a promotional sized packet of chips
- you become completely oblivious
- you love Manchester United but couldn’t say what sport they played
- you charge people to come to your wedding
- you think Maxims cakes taste delicious
You have no idea why you’re in the queue
- you clap your hands, jump up and down and can’t control your excitement at the sight of a bowl of soup
- you drink your beer through a straw
- you’ve stopped giggling at the ‘cum’ in official HK government wording
- you wipe every single drip of water off you after a rain cause wet and AC equals catching a cold for sure. Letting water dry naturally is also known to absorb into the skin and haunt you in your elder years with bone and joint aches.
- you’re super mentally strong and willing to work/sit at your desk in front of the computer for 15 hours straight while being unwilling to take any physical stress such as walking up a flight of stairs
- your only talent involves either using a DSLR, joystick, keyboard, mouse or phone.
- you’re a single woman who gathers with other single woman and post your weekly gatherings and dinners on Facebook to let others know you’re living a full and happy life despite being single in your 30’s
- you go to Mcdonald’s and leave the tray on the table after eating
- the check comes at a restaurant and you and your 5 friends dive for your mobile phone calculators to split the bill to the nearest cent
- you’re playing Candy Crush in public with sound turned up as loud as your phone will go!
- you go to Ocean Park on the weekends to see the pandas and buy fried octopus as delicious snack.
- you’re knocking down women, children, elderly and disabled to get onto MTR / or MTR platform lift.
- you’ve developed muscle atrophy from complete lack of physical activity to the point that you can’t possibly open a door.
- you enjoy your pizza topped with smoked salmon ‘fish’ and sweet corn with thousand island dressing
You get married at McDonald’s
- you go to ‘yum cha’ and it doesn’t make you shit through a straw half an hour later
- you call talentless local singers or actors ‘artists’
- you buy 14 packets of jumbo toilet paper and 65 boxes of tissues every three days
- you leave your shopping trolley wherever you damn well like
- you think the room is stuffy if a window is not open…in the middle of winter
- you think it’s normal to have to get a doctor’s note when you take a day off
- you list hiking and badminton as your hobbies but never go hiking and don’t own a badminton racket
You just go to the shops for toilet paper
- you routinely ignore armless, legless or burn victim beggars on the ground
- you wear a tracksuit that says ‘just do it’ but haven’t run since you were 12
- you enjoy having ‘gatherings’ with friends
- you stare like a vulture into other people’s shopping trolleys
- you cock your leg and fart in the presence of women mid conversation…and neither you or any of the women bat an eyelid
- you eat Cafe de Coral every morning and manage to even slurp on the bun
- you describe food that you don’t like as being ‘not delicious’
- you have 848 sachets of ketchup in your fridge, from McDonald’s. IT’S FREE!!!
You drink your beer through a straw
- you have a nice comfortable seat on the bus or train!? Poor weak old lady enters!? Gawd, you’re suddenly soooooooooo tired, let’s close those eyes and take a nap!!! QUICK!!!
- the only descriptive word in your vocabulary is ‘interesting’
- When you’re almost at your bus stop and you see your bus about to take off without you, you just start running on the road in front of it while waving your arms. Who cares you might get run over!? You would have to wait a whole 5 more minutes if you can’t be on this bus!!!
- you are absolutely germophobic. It’s ironic though cause most of the places you see locals live in are constantly dripping with AC water and reek of a constant odor.
You really, really don’t like mainlanders
- you used to say Bye
then started saying B’ bye
but have now moved onto a fully fledged B’ baaii
- you can’t leave home without your packet of knock-off tempos and can only buy newspaper pre-packed in a plastic bag with the knock-off tempo.
- you call for the waitress by waiving your hand and screaming “mgooooi”
- you never tip anybody and quickly collect all the change (coins included)
- you check 40 cards per visit at the ATM
- you have signs or coffee mugs on your desk that say ‘Relax, God’s in control’
- you hang out naked in the gym change room for hours on end with other decrepit old men smearing your balls over all the chairs
- you haven’t cooked anything in 10 years
- you love sugar on and in everything
- you love corn and always want more corn
- when the parties over you stand up in unison and leave
- you believe in group think
- you walk down to you local clubhouse in your slippers and with a bag of soap for your daily shower
- you dry your balls with a blow dryer at the gym locker room before dusting them with baby powder
- you go on holiday somewhere because ‘there have many delicious food’
- your favourite animals are pork, fish, chicken and beef
- you spit into rubbish bins
- you casually stroll to the toilet while the plane is taxiing
- you can’t detect the disgusting stench at the Hung Hom waterfront
- you beat your helper
- you think flip flops are strictly beach wear and are completely and utterly gobsmacked if you see them worn outside that setting
- you go all the way back home to get your shopping bag because money is too tight to pay for a 50 cent plastic bag…and just like every other person in HK you love the environment with all your heart
- you bow your head before lunch to pray to jesus after which you dig into some kind of sorry animal carcass
- you’re completely and utterly hoodwinked by Jesus
- you dive bomb corners at warp speed when driving without indicating
- you beam like a fool and keep repeating ‘new look! new look!’ when a colleague of yours wears a tie you haven’t seen before
- you wear every single fashion trend together in one outfit…
- you think the food in Cafe de Coral is western food…
- you think nobody notices that your carefully arranged hairstyle is a combover…
- you think it’s perfectly normal to constantly speak at 100 decibel (insert location) but complain when mainlanders speak loudly in public…
- McDonald’s is a crucial part of your diet
- you treat people like crap and chalk it up to culture
– you treat your mobile phone better than your helper/children
– you have no sympathy or empathy for anyone or anything
– the only type of sausage you know of is a hotdog
– you feel the need to have the latest gadgets no matter the cost
– you freak out if you hear the work ‘FUCK’
– the ringtone to your mobile phone is a fucking Eminem song
– you read a blog like this and get upset …because you have YOUR HEAD IN YOUR FUCKING ASS
- you wander in to take your seat at the movies 25 minutes after the movie’s started
- you’re a stupid dumb cunt
- you rush into the elevator before I have had a chance to get out…because you’re a stupid dumb inconsiderate selfish cunt
You blow dry your balls
Don’t eat me